Update - Tough Time
Per my last blog, I've been struggling with the fact that we're not in a place to have a baby (and everyone around me is pregnant) and also DH being unemployed for 2.5 years.
I read all of your responses Friday night and really appreciate them. The more I read, the more "right" I knew you all were, and I started to get pissed. I said to DH "Not tonight, since I'm tired, but sometime tomorrow I'd like to sit down and have a talk about money, jobs, and our future"
The next day when I was folding laundry, he asked if now was a good time, and I said yes. I told him about how I made a care.com account and was looking for side jobs to bring in extra income, and that it was unacceptable that I am getting a second job while he has zero job. I told him it is time to get a part time job; I don't care if it is at Home Depot, Homegoods, whatever, he just has to do something. I told him if I got laid off, I would be at restaurants or stores THE NEXT DAY looking for part time work while I looked for full time.
I told him I'm starting to get resentful that he spends most of the day on youtube and photo sites watching tutorial. Granted, he is practicing his skills, but he can do that part time. I told him it seems like he likes the IDEA of being a professional photographer, but not the work of building book. I told him that all of the photographers he admires started somewhere, making a lot less than they are now, and that no one started at the top. Expecting top dollar gigs to just fall into your lap is not going to happen.
He agreed it wasn't fair, and that he would get a part time job. He had applied to the Apple Store a bunch of times (he is a techie) but never heard anything. He spent Saturday doing research on what it takes to get hired there and rewriting his resume to be more retail driven. He also applied to a part-time shift at UPS from 11pm-4am which pays $20+ per hour, so that would be nice.
Thank you all for the insight. We really can't have a baby right now and "figure it out". We are both financial people (actuary/underwriter and banker) and know our limits. DH pays $4,000 total in child support (Will go down to $3,500 in June). Yes, that is after we went to court to get it lowered while he is unemployed (see previous blogs, they lowered BM2's from $2,900 to $2,000). If he wasn't paying that out of savings, nearly my entire salary of taxes, insurance etc would go to paying that.
Right now I cover mortgage/taxes, insurance + extras(SD18 has diabetes so $$$$$), gas bill, electric bill, car insurance, my credit card, my XS life insurance, dog food/costs, extras.
DH covers child support, water bill, cable/internet, and car payment (almost done, we could pay it off but the interest rate is so insanely low we'd rather have the $ in the bank for a rainy day). Our outgoings are about $4,500 more than I make including the child support so we start every month -$4,500. No room for a baby cost in there
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hang in there CB... it will
:jawdrop: hang in there CB... it will get better but yes DH needs to lift his ass and find a job, who knows, maybe he will enjoy retail way more then tech work...
He can work 8 hours a day and keep his dream as a hobby, I would not have put up with this for 2 years, belief me I would've kicked his ass long time ago
as for a new baby, it will never be the right time, thus I think, close your eyes and do it, cut the cable and wifi if you have to
His ability to dream came
His ability to dream came when unemployment or his severance ended. Once you started dipping into savings, he needed to make his dream part-time while he worked.
I'm glad that he is saying he will look for a job. Just make sure he KEEPS it. He has enough professional background that any of these part-time jobs could open the door for him to get full-time management.
Two years was plenty of time for him to learn about photography, get a business starter kit going, and at least start taking pictures part-time. He can still do all that, even if he works full-time elsewhere. I don't know many photographers that make photography their full-time work at the start unless they start working for a company taking photos. He's not at that point, and he needs to cut his teeth before he can even think about making it big.
I hope this improves for you. You shouldn't have to work two jobs so he can have a hobby that he may or may not turn into a career. No one right now should be 2 years unemployed. Employment may not be in the same field or the same pay level, but long-term unemployment would be unacceptable to me in the current economic climate, especially if you are able to find/keep two jobs. He is capable. Hold his feet to the fire.
Glad you have been able to
Glad you have been able to broach the subject with him. I went back and read the prior blog and have a couple of ideas about your situation.
1. If you want a baby... based on your medical situation, I wouldn't put that off. As others have mentioned, you will find a way and "figure" out the financial aspect of things. Maybe it would even kick your DH into a higher gear on looking for work and earning money... if the NEED were there.
2. Which brings me to your finances.. I would tell him that it is time for you to have a baby... so he will need to pick up his "full share" of household expenses. Yes, honey, his savings will deplete more quickly, but then again.. another kick in the tail to get back into the workforce.
3. Which brings us to his employment status. 2.5 years... that is long enough to pine around about his hobby/job photography dreams. If he hasn't been able to drum up a more steady income stream from this.. perhaps he is not suited to do this for a living? Many people do photography on the side in addition to their full time jobs (including my DH's EX). He should in this amount of time have a portfolio, a business site and be actively marketing himself. If he is a more beginner in skill, then he is not at a point that he should be trying to support himself in this way. If he is good, but not a self starter/entrepreneur.. maybe he should keep this a hobby and occasional side job? While it is demoralizing to be laid off, it is not necessarily a scarlet letter indicating you were lacking. I know many people who have been through the process and you can recover from it.
At a minimum, he needs to get out and meet with the head-hunters that service his field of expertise. There may well be contract/temporary work he would be able to do. This can be at his former level or below. There is less worry of hiring someone overqualified for contract work since you aren't planning on having them full time, so you don't worry about them cutting out for a better job as much. That kind of work can also be an entry to a full time job. He should also be networking with his prior coworkers and counterparts.
Honestly, "retooling his resume" for the apple store is a pretty half hearted attempt. He isn't really putting himself out there. Has he also investigated their remote AppleCare program. That can even be done from home. It sounds like a fairly narrow niche... what about Bestbuy (or whatever local electronics store is near you)?
I do feel that contract work would be the better paying work. If he does get photo work...he can work that in. I imagine most of that is weekend work anyway.
My next door neighbor is a
My next door neighbor is a professional photographer of some renown (he was selected to photograph the dalai lama when he visited), his wife is a teacher. He makes as much or more than his wife, and that is enough working parttime for him to be a SAHD. The local entertainment DJ company recommends him for weddings. He sends freelance photos in for the local newspaper. Basically, he works weekends.
He could easily also hold another PT or FT job if he wanted to, but they have two young children at home, and they live a comfortable life.
I wouldn't feel comfortable having a baby with a man who is content being unemployed for that long, sorry. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that he needed at least a parttime job after getting laid off. To tinker for so long screams to me of avoidance of responsibility.
So being money people there
So being money people there is a plan for when the savings run out, right?
Two options, we either sell
Two options, we either sell our house and move to a cheaper area, or he goes into arrears. I would let him go into arrears personally.
What a mess. I would be
What a mess. I would be putting selling my house as the final resort too to pay for his mess.
Hopefully a kick up the backside is what he needs and if you start expressing your worries and concerns and how you are holding back on your life goals he will find ways to make them happen for you. I am long term unemployed too and it is easy to get into a rut, feel depressed and feel totally ill equipped to get back out there. So I do sympathize some with your husband. We though live comfortably on one salary and I have no kids of my own to support.
I might also consider some therapy for yourself, if you are not already going. You have a lot going on and a lot of big life decisions to make. Make sure you invest in yourself and do what you need to take care of yourself.
Did you guys buy a house? I
Did you guys buy a house? I just remember you we’re in a 1bedroom apartment and it sounded terrible.
Has he looked on indeed.com
Has he looked on indeed.com for jobs? I did a search for IT jobs in your city (Philly, right?) and there were a lot of jobs that came up. Jobs better then part time work at Home Depot.
Good luck... at least you have the ball rolling for some kind of steps being taken for your future.
Ummm My son has made a couple
Ummm My son has made a couple hundred bucks since the fall, raking leaves, shoveling snow... cleaning garage doors... whatever off "relatively easy man jobs" that need to be done around the house... he's really only been doing it on weekends, and not every weekend...
I understand how difficult being jobless must be for your DH, his manhood must have taken a real hit.
You'd think his manhood was taking a bigger hit by not rectifying the situation.
In any event... worst case... DH can be the stay at home dad. Babies really aren't that expensive if you breastfeed. Most clothes you can get at showers / used, cheap ... same with a stroller and car seat... as for furniture... you don't NEED a magazine worthy nursery - heck a laundry basket with a few folded towels at the bottom will do for a bed for the first few months. Start stocking up on diapers now... and register for Enfamil/similac etc websites, get your friends/family to do the same, they send you free formula to try as well as mega coupons.
Also, amazon has a great subscription service where you can get regular deliveries of diapers etc, with a 20% "family savings plan" - everything is cheaper. At least it does in Canada.
It IS possible, you just need to prioritize whether it's more important for you to save up for a baby, or whether it's more important for you to have all the creature comforts you currently enjoy.
Trust me - I floated a family of 5 on next to nothing for a while. Where there's a will, there's a way.
He cannot be a stay at home
He cannot be a stay at home dad when he has $4000.00 a month in child support to pay.
I don't disagree on
I don't disagree on principle.... what I'm saying is.... he's paying it NOW and he's not working. Worse case nothing changes... he STILL has to pay it...he's STILL not working... with him being a SAHD, they'd be saving on childcare, at least.
And like now, he could work evenings and weekends, part time.
You could stretch it to say he's a SAHD right now, except without kids to supervise.
He's paying it NOW out of his
He's paying it NOW out of his savings. Something WILL change, his savings will run out. Then, he will not be able to pay his financial obligations AND they will have no savings.
Yep... and then what? They
Yep... and then what? They move? Arrears? That wouldn't change, with or without a baby.
What do you mean, then what?
What do you mean, then what? My point is, he needs to get a job, that's what. He has financial responsibilities.
So, you think that CB should pick up his child support tab and pay all of their bills when the savings runs out, and he can just be a stay at home dad? That won't be stressful at all, considering she can't cover all of that.
Or, you think he should just go into arrears, have another child, and not work.
I agree with you. He needs to
I agree with you. He needs to get a job. I never said otherwise.
I'm saying the financial responsibilities of his current CS would not change because of a baby - he'd STILL have to pay it.
I don't think CB should pick up his CS tab at all. I'm saying that in the event of worse case scenario, and that he doesn't find a job, at least he'd already be home and they would save on childcare.
CB herself said her options at this time are - sell the house, or go into arrears. Those options don't change just because a baby is now included. She said, she'd rather he go into arrears. She's not responsible, but she's affected.
I said if she wants a child, to use her current situation to her advantage. DH is currently unemployed, though trying to work. worse case, if he's still unemployed by the time baby comes, well, savings on daycare until he DOES find a job. No worse off. And if he DOES find a job, well hey good on him for finding one that pays over 6K a month so that he can pay the 4k a month plus his share of bills etc.
In the meantime, a minimum wage crap job won't come close to cover the CS, so whether he's working part time for crap pay or not doesn't REALLY change his situation in terms of paying CS... so IF he's gonig to end up working part time for minimum wage, might as well be evenings and weekends SO THAT he CAN watch baby while CB is at work, then she takes over while he is at work.
It's up to CB to take it or leave it, despite your strong objections.
I understand where he’s
I understand where he’s coming from. I lost a job making a huge salary in the 80s. I was very high up and flew on private planes when I traveled. My industry collapsed. There were NO jobs. After a year I BEGGED a company to hire me at an entry level job at a salary a fraction of what I’d made before. I’ll admit it was a huge hit to the ego.
But I worked my ass off. Got a small promotion a couple of years later and then another a couple of more years. Left that company to take a moderate promotion. Before I retired early I made it back to the top of my game. But it all started with eating crow and starting at the bottom.
I’m about to turn 72 and I am convinced I could go be a greater at Walmart and I’d be able to work my way up.
If your backup plan when the
If your backup plan when the savings runs out is to sell the house and move to a cheaper area or let your husband go into arrears, why not put that plan into effect NOW so you can have the baby you want. Stop paying most of the bills with your paycheck and put what you don't use into YOUR savings. Sell the house and move to a less expensive area. Let DH use his savings to pay his share of the bills and when it runs out, he'll have to go into arrears on CS. It is ridiculous that he's paying so much when he has no income, and it's not fair to you and your dreams. Babies don't need houses in expensive areas. Decide if it's more important to have a nicer house and nice things in a nicer area or to have a baby. If you have a limited window to have a baby and it's a now or never situation, you really should pull out the stops to try to do it now. Otherwise I suspect you will have a ton of resentment for your husband, since it was his unemployment and his child support obligations that kept you from doing it.
I can't say I have a solution
I can't say I have a solution for everything... But one thing I will say from reading stuff on this site... There are SO many people who have kids just to use them, or who honestly should have been born sterile because they just want to use the kids as pawns or are abusive or don't care about them anymore than the money they give them... You GENUINELY want a baby, and you know that takes responsibility and are willing to put in the work. With all the people in this world that shouldn't have kids, you definitely aren't one of them. You're someone who should have one. Based on the time clock, I think you and your DH should VERY seriously go for it! Because someone who's going to bring a kid in and actually love and care for that kid, shouldn't have to live with the regret of never having one. You're doing awesome with everything going on.![Smile](https://prod-cdn-1.ststatic.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/smiley/packs/kolobok/smile.gif)
Really happy for you that you
Really happy for you that you had a heart to heart with your husband. The time had come. I hope he lands a job very, very soon.
Still in shock about the CS...just blows my mind that they will let him deplete his savings.![Sad](https://prod-cdn-1.ststatic.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/smiley/packs/kolobok/sad.gif)
I remember you writing that
I remember you writing that you guys sold your very large, very expensive home in your old town and because you had all of that money in savings CS was not able to be reduced. So I assume that your new house in Philly is also somewhere in the 600k-1M range.
Lady, CS is not going to be lowered if this is the case. No judge will agree that DH is too poor to pay his CS when he is living in this kind of house and it sounds like not making a real attempt to find a job.
From everything you said in past posts, on your salary alone you can probably afford a 200 - 300k home AND raise a baby, especially if DH is the one watching the baby all day while you work. So sell your expensive home, pay CS and DHs portion of expenses from the house proceeds and go have a baby!