Newbie at venting..
So where to begin.. Guess I'm more venting than looking for answers.. I've been essentially a SM for almost 10 yrs.. Always had issues with their mom over how children lacked the essentials. Was told it wasn't my place to teach SD hygiene so to this day she lacks basic teenageage good hygiene. Long story short I've come to a cross road. SS 20 has lived with us for the last 5 years. SD17 is now wanting to move In. I have a bio due in Nov and afraid that if I express my concerns it will lead to stress and arguments. SS has 0 responsibilities takes out garbage nothing more! He does have two jobs and earns a good income. doesnt contribute to house nor do i expect him to But dad pays for car insurance, cell phone , gym membership and part of his car payment... My income is substantially more that his but I've recently asked that we each place $500 in a joint account for the expense of the bio.. The response I recieved was where do I get extra money ?? REALLY !! Am I wrong to expect him to stop paying for the things he does? If his son didn't work I'd understand but he does at times his bank account has more $ than dads does...
Your DH and your SS are
Your DH and your SS are disgusting men who are BOTH using you.
So much easier said than done
So much easier said than done but I've decided to write out and split all house bils in half stop food shopping and hope that will open his eyes to just how little his income will hold him.. I hate to play the money game because besides that we have a great relationship/ marriage but think I've been feeling everything you have written here .
What is ss20 doing with all
What is ss20 doing with all of his money? If he's saving it then great, he has money he can withdraw to contribute to the household. If he's just blowing it on a gf, junk food, his car or crap each month then DH needs to step up and help him become responsible. There are 3 stages to child rearing: Dependence, preparation for independence and independence. Your ss20 is demonstrating that he is prepared for independence. He needs to fly the coop and be free.
"if I express my concerns it will lead to stress and arguments." Just wanted to point out that you are saying nothing and you have stress now. You and DH are already arguing about putting money into an acct for bio. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. The worst that can happen is that you will be blamed as an uncaring SM who wants to throw ss20 out. Oh well, it's time for him to go anyway.
I'd say ss17 should stay where he's at and finish high school but if you must concede then only allow him to move in on the condition that there is a solid plan for him after high school. That he's in college, preferably in the dorms or working and living with roommates. It's good for kids to get out of the house and gain independence. Besides you're going to have your hands full with a new baby and don't need to be taking care of grown men and dealing with their drama.
If you feel like you cannot get through to Dh on this issue then search out a good LMFT counselor and you can talk as a group. That way it won't be you alone against dh and the ss's. Most of all though take care of yourself and the little bun in the oven.
Why are you putting up with
Why are you putting up with this?
I'd rather live alone.
It's our home with only Dh
It's our home with only Dh name on it due to a rental I owned prior to buying this.. Conversation doesn't go smoothly .. I know he does a lot of what he does cause he's riddled with guilt over the divorce 10 yrs ago can't seem to get over leaving the home and the kids. Also his parents did it for him till he was way into his 20's so it's normal .. I moved out and payed my own way since I was 18 succeeded I life didn't end up being a teen mom or drop out so I don't know what it's like to live off my parents... I think only way to get thru may be thru a counselor. We own a small buisness which he feels he can use that as extra income am I wrong to say that should be its own and not used for us to live on because the little extra he does have goes to his son. The buisness is successful but by no means is it profiting thousands a month. It makes enough to cover supplies,rent his one employee a car payment and some left over for buisness meeting dinners. I don't collect a pay cause I don't need to but if he's taking from there than I will too of course.... Talking doesn't work I've tried it so many times but with bio on way if he's not supporting him cause he's busy still supporting his grown son than why do I need him I hate to even think that because I do love my H but I'm seeing a whole new side to him
Start taking a pay cheque!
Start taking a pay cheque! Get a good accountant and make sure everything is documented and filed properly. The last thing you need is a tax problem and if he's spending company funds as his own you will have a problem.
this child is not your
this child is not your responsibility. you may love him/her but the money upkeep is all on the birth parent.
its unfair for your husband to expect you to upkeep his skid. its not your problem. you may love the child but dont let yourself be used. when the child grows up he wont even realise all the money you gave to raise him. this will especially painful when he grows up and ignores you or worse treats you like crap. it sounds like the skids is spoiled and entitled already.