Am I wrong on this???? DH almost obsessed with skids.....
DH feels that we need to attend ALL of the skids activities (even when they are with BM and it conflicts with other family plans). From his perspective the skids need either him or I or both there at every activity so that they have a parent there to support them. I, on the other hand, think that the skids DO have a parent there to support them (BM and stepdad) while they are with BM for placement. I get that if you don't have anything going on, showing up to the kids activity is a nice gesture, or if there is a special event such as a school play, you make every effort to attend regardless of who's placement time it is. DH however thinks that ALL of SS9 or SD12's events (soccer games every sat, 4H, flag football practice etc). This past weekend for example, SS had a football game while SD had some girls over for a birthday party at our house. The skids were with BM for placement, and SD was going to spend just a few hours with us to celebrate before going with her friends to BM's for a sleepover. So BM and stepdad were going to SS's game. DH looks at me and says, "well do you want to go watch SS's football game or stay here for SD's party?"
HUH??? I ask him why can't we both stay here with SD for her party. Keep in mind BD1 is also planning on hanging out at home with SD and her friends too.
He says "well we need a parent to support SS at his game."
ME: "He HAS a parent at his game...BM will be there!"
He says he doesn't care and that one of us needs to attend. So off I go...(mainly to get out of the house away from DH) and sure enough....there's BM and stepdad....uggggghh.
DH also has this thing that he HAS to call the skids every night. No exceptions. He will literally be in the middle of dinner with my parents and get up because he "HAS to go call the kids" Again...we have the skids 50/50 with them with us every other day. I mean I could understand if he was going a week w/o seeing them....but folks we're talking less than 24 hrs here. In 3 years, he has only gone two days w/o talking to the skids (and only because we were on a cruise in international waters!
He thinks I'm being insensitive. I find this to just be a bit over the top. What do you think?
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Yes, Sometimes I think he's
Yes, Sometimes I think he's more into trying to "one-up" BM. They are very competitive over skids. If DH gets SS something, BM gets him two etc. It's sad that it truly isn't about the kids in my perspective.....
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"
Catlover - do you have any
Catlover - do you have any kids of your own? I think your DH is just looking at this from a perspective of you guys as a family unit, which does not include BM. So even if BM is there at a practice or activity, one of you guys from your family unit isn't there supporting the child, and that seems to be important to him. He sounds like a very family oriented guy, which would go along with him calling the kids everynight. On the other hand, getting up from dinner to call them is a bit much and rude if you ask me, he should schedule a specific time to call them that doesn't interfere with dinner.
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“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”
Yes, DH and I have a BD who
Yes, DH and I have a BD who is 18 months. That is a good point about the family unit...I hadn't looked at it that way.
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"
I don't think one phone call
I don't think one phone call a day is too much, BUT I think it could be made BEFORE or AFTER dinner!
I also think wanting to be at every activity is normal for most parents, but I would think HE would want to be at every one. I don't understand the "one us needs to be there". Also, if he does feel that way, SD's B-day should have been scheduled AROUND SS's game.
"I will not take responsibility, where I do not have authority." ~ MeanOleMe
Sorry - I disagree with you
Sorry - I disagree with you about attending their functions on your off time. We have 50/50 as well. My DH and I attend every game or school function for all the kids. Regardless whether BM is going as well. I don't think he needs to go to practices unless he is the coach if it is not his day. But there are a lot of dads who go to all the practices. Me - I use the time to go to the gym while my son is at soccer practice.
As for the phone calls - I think it is great that he calls them regularly. However, he should do it when dinner is over - that is just rude. My DH doesn't do that, because the kids are over here most afternoons on their mom's week to do homework while she works late. So he sees them almost every day. Personally that is one of my pet peeves.
He had those kids before you came along and he has a responsibility to them. You have to understand that. I think that is great that he is so involved. Just accept it and it will be easier for you. You don't have to go to SKid's stuff if you don't want to. I go if I have nothing else to do and things are going well with the Skids. He goes to my son's stuff for me. Their is no obligation for you to go - just him.
I think my issue was more
I think my issue was more that it was SD's birthday party, and that I felt that DH and I both should have participated (since in my opinion SS already had BM and Step dad going to his game). I agree that when we don't have other things going on, we attend all skids activities, but when both the skids have activities at the same time, I feel that BM and SD could attend one, while DH and I attend the other; not that DH and I have to split and each go to one. KWIM? I guess I just didn't understand the need for DH and I to "divide and conquer" when SS already had support at his game.
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"
Why was the party scheduled
Why was the party scheduled at the same time?
Because BM had placement
Because BM had placement that day, and DH wanted to have part of SD's party at his house so he could participate. BM agreed to do the sleepover portion and gave DH the option to have the girls over for the afternoon. SS's game was already scheduled at that time.
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"
Its sounds like a contest
Its sounds like a contest between him and BM. How long have you guys been together?
FH calls his kids everyday. But he won't walk away from the dinner table to call them. That's just rude regardless.
Have you expressed to him how fustrated you are? Is there a compromise that can be reached?
We've been together for 3
We've been together for 3 years, married for 2. I've tried talking to him about this and he just stares blankly at me. The entire time of our relationship, the skids have been the top of his priority list. When they call he will stop whatever he is doing to answer his phone. I've told him that I think it's great he talks to them, but leaving a restaurant to go outside in the middle of my parents anniversary dinner, or running out of my company christmas party is just plain rude. I've asked him to try to schedule the calls a different time...maybe before dinner...if he knows he has plans. Doesn't do it...just waits for the phone to ring...and BLAM! up he jumps. My parents have told me how rude they find it and it's just plain embarrassing.
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"
I can understand this. My BF
I can understand this. My BF use to be that way before he got temp custody in April. He would call me and his kids every night (before I moved in with him) and he still calls me from work every day
He is very in touch. HOWEVER... if he could not answer my call or his kids call (ie. dinner) he would call us back. In fact, my BF does not believe in answering the phone at all during dinner and even gets on his daughter for trying to get up from the table to do so.
I also thought it was over kill calling them every day he did not have them... but then again, I looked forward to his calls and I am not his kid. And seeing his kids now... crying... because she WON'T call them and WON'T answer their calls.
Sometimes it is perspective.
Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm
I agree with MeanOleMe and
I agree with MeanOleMe and Jsmom. With an intact 'family' both the mom and dad speak to the child on a daily basis. Why should this change just because you are not living together? When my son stays at his dad's, I call him every day (just once a day). And the same when he is with me... his dad calls him every day. But, ANY phone calls during dinner is just rude and I would say something to your DH about that.
I expect both bio mom and dad would attend all child activities.. maybe not all practices (at least one parent should go) but definately both parents should go to all games for the most part. None of this should necessarily change just because you are no longer 'intact'. I think the SP attending the practices/games is optional although, unless my DH has something more important that can't wait, I do appreciate him attending my BS's games with me. It shows support for me and my son... plus, I enjoy his company (when we aren't fighting!)
Generally, any other activities are planned AROUND scheduled games. Why was a birthday party planned at the same time as a scheduled game for the other skid? I don't think I would have done that.
I don't understand why the
I don't understand why the party couldn't have been scheduled around the game. Or after. You get the schedule for these things way in advance. It also sounds like you have to do to much for the Skids. That is probably why this frustrates you. Try disengaging a little more and it may help.
As for the calls. He is rude. He should arrange the calls for a more convenient time. Why can't he call them when it is convenient. Or tell them he will call them back at a more convenient time. That shows disrespect for you and who you are with at the time. But, I do think it is great that he talks to them everyday. He has to stay connected with them. It is so important. The teenage years are hard and if you don't have a connection with them, you can't catch things before they are a problem.
CL, my DH does this to, I
CL, my DH does this to, I blogged about it not to long ago. When that phone rings it's getting answered.
But I did think of something else. If he's not with me and I call he drops everything to talk to me, no matter what it is.
Maybe he's just that way...........but they sure need to tone it down!