Update from Out-of-State Visit with SS10
We just dropped SS10 off at BM's after spending 24 hours with him in her city. We went to SS' football game yesterday. It was good. They won. When we arrived, DH, DD, and I found a place to sit, far from everyone. We looked like total oddballs. The younger grade game ended and most of the crowd cleared out, leaving probably 20 of us. I told DH that we should walk to sit by SS' leagues' section. So we did. GF saw us and offered for us to sit by them and the other parents. BM looked really irritated by GF's invitation. We sat right next to them for the whole game. GF was nice and created small talk, taking DD into consideration, asking if it was okay to use cowbells or if DD would be bothered. She showed us photos of SS, telling DD "Look that's your brother!" BM kept to herself, not really saying anything. I saw their engagement rings. For everything SS bragged them up to be, they really weren't. I overheard BM bragging to another one of the football Moms over their wedding plans. GF fussed over DD a bit, playing patty-cake and peek-a-boo and that was it. Overall, it was a surprisingly pleasant interaction.
After the game, BM handed us SS' bag and sent us on our way. We checked into our hotel, got dinner and ice cream, came back to the hotel and used the pool and DH and SS watched football on TV while DD and I went to bed. This morning we got up, went to the local aquarium, had lunch, and dropped SS off. GF offered for us to come into their house to use the bathroom or change or feed DD, which we declined. Again BM looked irritated by GF's gesture.
The hardest part about the whole weekend was getting SS to engage. He was quiet the whole time and getting him to talk about anything was like pulling teeth. Whenever we asked him anything, it was "okay," "nothing," "fine." He told me the new Avatar movie is coming out in December. I asked if he saw the first one. He said "No, my parents won't let me watch it." Okay. He was just very socially awkward and spent most time, whenever possible, watching football on restaurant TVs. GF told us that he was likely going to use tons of slang and pull pranks because that's how he has been lately. He never did any of that once. He seemed uncomfortable. Again, we felt like distant relatives with no close relationship to SS, but why would he be close to us when it has been drilled into his brain that BM and GF are his ONLY family.
For me, this trip was the first time I didn't feel insecure. I felt insecure as hell upon arrival, but leaving today, I feel really good and almost detached from it all. I no longer envy the life BM and GF have built with SS. I almost feel bad for them. During the football game, SS was frantically searching his bag for a piece of equipment. BM goes "he gets that from me." GF goes, "yeah he definitely doesnt get that from me." BM then made some other comments about something that would be genetically inherited, making it seem like he would get it from GF. It's kind of sad to see the delusion, trying so hard to seem like a true biological family, like SS would inherit anything at all from GF. At that point, I no longer felt insecure. I just feel bad for GF because she seems like a really nice person who is getting played by a fantasy. Driving back to BM's today to drop off, I got to see for the first time in 3 years where they live. We drove past SS' school which was an older building that definitely needed some work. Their town is rundown, the sub is rundown, and their house is nothing like SS described. It is larger, but again, rundown. All of this really surprised me because when BM lived local to us, she would have never allowed herself to live in such environment. Everything had to be huge and luxurious and new. It always had to be the best - best schools, best amenities, etc. It was always about appearance. I no longer felt bad about the life I have built, about the house we have or the town we live in. It just made me realize that we are living different lives and I finally felt peace. We will see SS again at Thanksgiving and we will see how it goes.
- CastleJJ's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I am so glad that things went so well for you!
I am so glad that things went so well for you! I'm sure SS was feeling a huge loyalty bind when he was with you and DH while "at home." At least he was just distant and not openly hostile.
It is great that the trip actually made you feel better about things and more at peace. Since things went well, if you decide to do this again your stress level will be way down! Thanks for the update.
Glad to hear it went so well!
Glad to hear it went so well!
I can't say I'm surprised that SS was so distant, after all, you belong in *your* world and seeing you in his home world must feel really weird to him. I wouldn't give it too much thought.
Awesome Report
My heart got "big" reading this. Like you, I had serious esteem issues anytime I was in BM or Adult SKs' areas. You should be very proud of the life you and your DH have built. And of course, proud of that beautiful child you have. Hopefully, your SS will "see" the truth of each home and he will pick up much from yours rather than the fantasy life at his mom's.
Congratulations on overcoming!!!
Glad to hear your trip went
Glad to hear your trip went well and it was beneficial in a peace of mind for you..
GF sounds like she is just BMs minion. Very sad situation. SS is trained to feel a particular way with BM/GF vs DH/YOU so you guys all being in the same area at once must have really thrown him off on how he should act... because he can't act normal.
Overall sounds like a success!
Good!
Sounds like a good trip on several levels. What a nice surprise that GF handled it so well. I'm left feeling sorry for your SS, the loyalty bind and he must feel some embarrassment that his family situation doesmt look like the other kids'. Thanksgiving will probably go better.
It sounds that GF and your DH are having similar BM related
experiences.
As for a Skid getting "inherrited" traits from a SParent, of course that is not possible, at least genetically speaking. However, a kid that is primarily raised by the CP and their mate, absolutely the Skid can and often will pick up behavioral traits, voice inflections, physical mannerisms, etc...
My Skid (SS-30 that I raised as my own from 15mos) and I often get "he looks and acts just like you" when we are out and about together. We just laugh and say thank you.
I am happy for you that it went far better than you immagined. Of course BM is still BM. I actually feel for GF in this situation.
It will be interesting to see if the GF/BM relationship fails how GF and your DH commiserate on the BM nightmare.... in collective hind sight
This toxic shitheads marrying a series of decent people thing regularly makes me go hmmmmm? My XW is on at least DH #3. I was #1. Even her cheat breeding Geriatric Fortune 500 Exedutive sugar/baby daddy DH#2 booted her toxic ass. #3 may have booted her toxic ass as well but it has been a decade and a half or so since I have heard anything about her.
I would not reach out to her DH#2 as I would rather piss on him than look at him. XW was knocked up by him when she moved out prior to our divorce. But.... I am sure we could trade some entertaining "holy shit!" XDH stories if we happened to speak. He polluted his gene pool with the adulterous cavern crotched skank whore, twice. I didn't. Blessedly.
Obviously GF can't pollute her gene pool with BM, but.... if they adopt or go with a spermdonor, GF may experience much of the torment your DH has.
Oh obviously SS can develop
Oh obviously SS can develop certain mannerisms since he is around GF, but BM and GF always talk about inherited traits. At one point, BM told SS that he was blonde because GF is also blonde... No, SS is blonde because of DH, like c'mon!
I think, even if BM and GF did eventually break up, I don't think we would ever hear from GF. She would simply disappear. She still believes DH is the bad guy in a lot of this and I don't even think her experiencing BM's toxicity would change that. Plus, I think GF is intimidated by the biological relationship with SS, so when BM and DH fight, GF always jumps in to "protect" SS and to defend BM. When this happens, GF always uses terms like "our son," or "my child," when speaking to DH.
Luckily, DH never married BM. They dated on and off for two years, only dating for 6 months at most consecutively between their breakups, as teenagers. BM got pregnant with SS at 19 after lying to DH about her birth control. BM never dated anyone after DH and then met GF online when SS was 4.5. Now she is marrying GF after 6 years together. DH thinks BM is taking her sweet time with this relationship to delay BM from having to have kids with GF. When we have heard GF ask BM about building a family, BM always has an excuse - oh when we get a house (bought one 2 years ago), oh when we get married (wedding next Fall), oh when we... DH knows BM doesn't want more kids, so he thinks BM is stringing GF along, making her think she will get what she wants to prevent BM from losing her, but if she delays long enough, GF will be too old to have a healthy pregnancy since she is older than BM. BM doesn't want to lose GF because GF raises SS so BM can focus on her career.
Yep, BM and sadly her GF are trying to write your DH out of as
much as they can of SS's life, etc...
Grrrrrr!
I'm glad it went well and you
I'm glad it went well and you left feeling confident and at peace!
As you described things, I have a theory why SS was awkward. BM and GF are selling a fantasy. They're teaching SS to sell a fantasy. SS sold you all a fantasy that he didn't have to prove was real.
Then you showed up and saw his reality. He doesn't have the super cool and nice school. His town isn't luxury. BM's home isn't anything special. He has an average, middle American kid life. Toss in loyalty binds that he has toward BM and probably some fear that if he has too much fun that someone will tell BM and you get this. He probably also sensed the BM was annoyed, and instead of recognizing that BM was annoyed that GF was being nice, he probably internalized it and thought he was the problem.
I could be completely wrong about all of that. He could just be a BM clone and turning into a stubborn, grumpy teenager. But take solice in knowing that you all didn't do anything wrong or weird.
All of that could be entirely
All of that could be entirely possible!
I am so happy to hear that you left
feeling good about yourself and not feeling insecure! I wonder if GF is feeling a little less insecure or just desiring less drama now that she is about to marry BM. I agree with people on here it probably was a combination of him being a preteen and then being in his home turf that usually is only BM and GF, not including you, DD and DH. You know they question SS about where he has been, what he has done, and all sorts of petty questions that go along with that. He might not of wanted to really enjoy himself because he wants to be able to tell BM and GF it was "okay" or something unethusiastic knowing that is what they want to hear especially on their turf.