SS11 Visit Update
SS11 arrived last Saturday for his two week stint of visitation. On the 4 hour drive down to BM's house, BM texts DH to let him know that she is at the emergency vet with SS' elderly pet who she wasn't sure was going to make it. BM said that SS was really upset about it. DH was concerned about this elderly pet derailing pick-up or devastating SS and ruining the visit, since we were leaving same day to travel to Florida. DH arrived to BM's house; she was home and the pet was fine. SS said that pet had an abscess and had to have a tooth pulled. DH said it definitely didn't seem life threatening as BM originally claimed, but SS was happy and pick-up was on schedule so DH didn't care.
SS has done well this visit. He is very concerned about DD and enjoys playing with her. He is constantly playing peek a boo with her, trying to help her walk, singing to her, etc. We took the kids to Disney for three days, which was hectic. It is hard to find shared activities for a 16-month-old DD and 11-year-old SS at Disney. SS wants fast and thrill and DD is more on the Dumbo and Winnie the Pooh stage. It led to a lot of dividing and conquering with DH taking SS and me taking DD. My parents helped mitigate and ensure that DH could also experience firsts with DD. Both kids really enjoyed the waterpark and that allowed us to have some family time, since they both liked the lazy river and swimming in the wave pool. Both DH and DD have developed strep during this vacation, so that has also been challenging. We have 4 more days in Florida and are trying to make the most of them.
The only thing that has been annoying this visit is SS is overly concerned about when he is talking to BM and GF for their twice weekly Facetime calls. On Tuesday, SS asked DH if he was calling BM and GF that day. DH responded that he hadn't heard from them and we left it at that. BM ended up reaching out to DH to schedule a call later that day and talked to SS for 30 minutes Tuesday night. Tonight, SS expressed boredom so DH suggested going to see a movie. SS said he couldn't because it is Saturday and he wasn't sure if BM and GF were going to call. SS made it clear that he didn't want to miss their call. DH told SS that BM and GF texted on Friday and they are camping in an area with no cell service. DH told SS he hadn't heard from them, so they wouldn't be calling today. DH also reminded SS that plans do not stop for phone calls; both DH and BM text the other to schedule a call based around plans, not interfering with plans. DH said if he hears from BM this weekend, he will schedule the call based around what we are doing. SS seemed bummed but understood. SS also saw a souvenir in a local shop and wanted to buy it for BM and GF. DH told SS "No" since SS ran out of his own souvenir money at Disney and we aren't buying random gifts for BM and GF. DH is frustrated because SS is never concerned with calling us and doesn't ever think about buying/making gifts for us, but he is for BM and GF all the time. We can't go a single visit without SS wanting to buy or make something for them. This is the first visit SS has been obsessing over phone calls though. It's just frustrating because we are literally irrelevant to SS, even on important days like birthdays or Father's Day.
We have another week left of visit and then BM and DH go week-on/week-off for 4 weeks, so I'm definitely dreading that and DH's 8-hour car ride twice in June. Luckily, after the first week of July, we will be skid free for the remainder of summer and won't see SS again until Christmas, unless we go to BM's state for a weekend visit this Fall which is TBD.
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Comments
The obsession with the calls,
The obsession with the calls, I would wager that stems from BM making a huge fuss about how important it is that they speak to SS frequently. She probably reminds him about it all the time leading up to visits. I know that was happening when my SDs were young and it caused them a HUGE amount of stress always worrying about missing a call. It was so weird and frustrating to deal with. I can't imagine why you would place that kind of anxiety on your kid.
SS has never been obsessed or
SS has never been obsessed or worried about calling BM and GF before. DH wonders if he wants to tell BM and GF about the vacation and that's why he is asking about calls. Either way, its definitely annoying and goes in line with BM's other PAS behavior.
It sounds like SS has been
It sounds like SS has been programmed...
UGH!
I remember those days of obsession with calling the mothership. "ET phone home!"
The strep thing is out of
The strep thing is out of control. SS18 brought it home two weeks ago and I am pretty sure I had on vacation (it didn't stop me) and SD16 and SO had one day symptoms.
DH was diagnosed with strep a
DH was diagnosed with strep a few days ago. He accidentally fed DD off his spoon at lunch the other day, so I knew it was only a matter of time. We got through the whole meal and I looked at DH and said "Did you feed DD off your spoon?" and DH said "uhhh oops."
Sounds like it's going around
Sounds like it's going around everywhere. I'm in New England.
You have to keep BM on a schedule
Do not let her take you in the weeds. She calls on X day at Y time. That it. If she can't do that then it's rolls to the next calling time. Don't let her play her games. She good at it . .
BM is entitled to 2 phone
BM is entitled to 2 phone calls per week. We hold her to that. Same goes for us when SS is with BM. DH tends to call on Sundays and Wednesdays or Thursdays (depending on SS' athletics schedule). DH texts BM the day of and asks for a time and then calls at that time.
We don't want scheduled calls because we aren't always available at that time and I don't want our life scheduled around a call. I prefer that we text BM day of and get a time that works for everyone and go from there.
BM follows the same expectation and does the same thing. She texts DH and they set up a time and she calls at that time. She hasn't abused phone calls in several years.
Is it possible that SS
Is it possible that SS actually does think of getting gifts or making gifts for you but that he gets told not to because you don't need them (or other such nonsense, " not like WE do")? Similar with phonecalls, ' I'm sure they are very busy right now."
It's hard to say because we
It's hard to say because we aren't at BM's house to see how he is. I know when I take SS out yearly to buy DH's Father's Day gift, he seems to care less and doesn't put much energy or thought into it. DH will remind him of his birthday or my birthday, even if only days before and SS will forget to say anything. It just seems like the effort isn't there with us compared to with them.
This is obvious PAS
He has been brainwashed to think that you and your husband are not real parents. He has been told that his father is a mere sperm donor and not a real family member--Soon he will be programed into thinking that his sister is some sort of distant cousin as she gets older.
Therefore no need to buy a stranger any gifts for their birthday et cetera.
Before Chef's ferals PASed out altogether, the gifts were at first incredibly lame even for children before becoming non existent. It was as though the Girhippo went out of her way to find "presents" with a humiliation factor. The greeting cards were preachy, judgmental and a mockery.
They were also extremely condescending as though the Girhippo and the ferals were on at sainthood level and Chef was the most heinous of criminals that needed redemption from the almighty Girhippo.
We all know that Father's Day has morphed into Mother's day Part II/ Stepfather's Day. Sadly even for many intact families. I'm sure you know that Fathers in western society are not valued whatsoever. And especially not step mom.
Good grief, in Castle's case
Good grief, in Castle's case the JUDGE ruled as if her DH was just a sperm donor and fathers aren't important. He thought sports were more important than fathers. With idiots like that making custody decisions you barely need to PAS the kid.
That's FACTS 100%, ndc.
That's FACTS 100%, ndc.
Exactly my point
Western society and the "family court" system do not punish but rather encourage the BM to PAS out the kid. Where there is no accountability/consequence for a behavior, that behavior flourishes.
Did DH actually say this to SS? If not, why not?
DH is frustrated because SS is never concerned with calling us and doesn't ever think about buying/making gifts for us, but he is for BM and GF all the time.
Time for daddy to grow some testicular fortitude and start to give SS a grasp of reality and the facts.
Time for DH to give SS the absolute demand that SS calls twice a week when he is with his mother and her mate. DH needs to set the boundaries, enforce the boundaries, and put clarity and accountability on SS in an increasingly age appropriate manner. DH must enforce his authority and position in SS's life and continually keep SS aligned on reality. Coddling and trying to cushion CODs from a toxic and shallow end of their gene pool does not prepare them for reality and life. Attempting to protect a child from those realities results in a child incapable of navigating life as an adult.
IMHO of course.
As for the 8hr pick up and drop off drive.... BM needs to get off of her ass and pick the SKid up to return him to her home. Why is DH doing all of the beck-and-call visitation schlepping in both directions? I would recommend that he goes to pick up. And if BM wants SS back, she can come get him at the end of the visitation.
I know that COs are unique. However, during the clarification cycle following the issuance of the CO we lived under for 16+ years, each party was COd the responsibility of transporting the SKid to their location at the beginning and end of visitation. The SpermClan was responsible for transporting him to SpermLand for visitation, we were responsible for transporting him home.
We never lived nearer than ~1200miles to SpermLand. So we had our version of what you have to deal with regarding transport of a SKid. We made damned sure he was returned on time. SpermGrandHag periodically tried to not return him per the schedule. We had him collected from the SpermClan with LEO escort. SpermGrandHag loved that. Being humiliated in front of her neighbors, at her Church, at family reunions and other SpermClan family events. It took some years, but they learned to not F with the return of the Skid per the CO visitation schedule.
Time for BM, GF, and the SS to learn the same lesson. Repeatedly.
IMHO of course.
Rags, I dont know where you
Rags, I dont know where you are getting some of your information. DH calls SS twice a week when he is at BM's and BM calls SS twice per week when he is with us, nothing more, nothing less. DH has never missed a call in the 5 years since calls were established in the CO. What I meant by that comment is that SS seems concerned about when he is calling BM and asks when he is calling, where I don't think SS cares whether DH calls or not. SS doesn't seem to value his relationship with DH like he does with BM and GF, which makes sense given BM's PAS tactics and attempts to minimize DH's role in SS' life. We try to correct SS on some of it, but as of late, especially since SS is a spitting image of BM and her narcissism, SS becomes defensive and argumentative.
As far as transportation goes, DH and BM both do transportation per our CO. DH does not do all of it. DH drives 4 hours one-way/8 hours roundtrip at the start of our visit to pick-up SS and BM does the same at the end of the visit. If BM isn't willing/able to pick SS up, she sends either GF or her parents to pick SS up, which is also allowed per the CO.
Our CO is pretty well laid out but does leave some flexibility which isn't ideal, but it was what the judge ordered. The flexibility doesn't pertain to process, more just grants flexibility for summer visitation dates, which BM likes to abuse since it isn't cut and dry. At this point, we aren't willing to fight with BM over the grey area. It isnt worth it. The abuse we face from BM when we do attempt to fight her is nuclear and it isn't worth it for the miniscule change it would make. We stick to the CO as it's written and let the rest go and if SS becomes like his polluted gene pool, then so be it. We won't be responsible for his bad behavior as a kid or an adult, since we weren't involved much in his life.
Sorry for reading far too much into the comment.
DH is frustrated because SS is never concerned with calling us and doesn't ever think about buying/making gifts for us, but he is for BM and GF all the time.
Assumptions are the parents of error. I made both.
That DH is so dedicated in his calls to SS and enforces his visitation is a great thing. For both of them.
Excuse my lapsed memory of the deeper details of the situation.
You're all good, Rags!
You're all good, Rags!