I have been waiting
I have been waiting to get up enough nerve to post my story on here. But today, something good happened and it prompted me to write my first blog. So lets see if I can give my story in a short version. I have been in a Long distance Relationship with my BF for over 3 years now. I live in CA, he lives in CO. I knew he had a son when I met him, but it did not seem to be an issue in the beginning. BF & the BM were never married and never even together as a couple, it was a one night stand. But she for some reason, always thought he was "her's" He hid me from her in the beginning (we fought about this constantly) and then she sobbed and freaked out when she found out about me. Well, over the past 3 years, we have had our ups and downs. She is manic depressive and an alcoholic. About 2 years ago, she went off the deep end, was committed for a short time. BF took over custody of SS 9yrs. Last year he went to court and won primary custody, and she gets weekend visits and every other Holiday. Well, since the court date, she has been a nightmare. Constantly trying to brainwash poor SS. BM's mother, is worse than her. Every time SS goes to stay with them, he comes back a mess. Well, prior to the court date, BF was paying BM (also known as the Manbeast!) $500 in CS. Now she has been ordered to pay him a whopping $80 and she can't seem to pay that!! BF & I have huge fights over the SS, BM, and the whole situation. I have a lot of resentment towards the situation and the people involved. I try really hard not to, but it seems like everytime BF & I start to move forward, and possibly come to an agreement to live in the same city (more than likely in CO due to SS) something happens to put a hold on our relationship moving forward. I try to be rational and mature about things, BUT ITS HARD!!! What's the saying 2 steps forward, 2 steps back?
Now for the good news, BF is like a lot of other H/FH/BF's on here and does not want to "rock the boat" with BM for fear of making his life more miserable. Therefore, BM gets everything she wants and walks all over him. Obviously, there is a lot more to the story, but way too complicated to write. Anyway, today he informed me he is going to do something about getting CS on time. She is about 3 months behind right now, but he didn't want to "start a war" before. But he said he has given her more than enough time to straighten it out, so he's going to call. All this and I did not even nag him about it. I stopped asking months ago, because it always caused a fight. I am very proud of him. This is a small step, but a big victory in my case.
I am really happy to have found this site. I have been reading everyone's blogs for a while and they have truly helped me reconcile some of my feelings about this situation in my life. Everyone's advice is great and truly appreciated!
- CACowgrl's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Welcome!
If you move to CO, you'll have at least one friend.
I would seriously consider your options though. BMs don't get better in time, they just become more manageable.
If you do move in with him, I promise she will get worse before she ever gets better.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
This may be a little late,
but I do agree with CG. We both have BP BM's and they DO NOT get better...just managable!
I agree BMs are crazy they
I agree BMs are crazy they think we want to take their kids away but we just want to love the man we fell in love with and they happen to have kids. my friend warned me about dating a guy with a kid well it is not the kid that has been my problem it have been BM she thinks I should not be around her son at all, she went to court and tried to make it that I cant be around him. I am a special eduacation teacher for preschool students, the courts just laughed at her , but she has not stopped. I am married to a wonderful man and one huge thing I learned is to not nag, he loves you but it does such for them having two women nagging at him. Be supportive, love him and his son, it takes 7 years for a step family to come together.
Good Luck
Thanks!!
Thanks Colorado Girl & Rosedeer! I appreciate the advice. And I am pretty positive I will be moving that direction within the next year or so, so I could definately use a friend!!
We travel back and forth to see each other. It used to be every two weeks, but with the economy the way it is, we have gone to every 3-4 weeks. Makes it tough!! Anyway, I appreciate your advice and believe me, there is a reason I have not moved out there after 3 years. I have really put a lot of thought into this (and I mean A LOT!!) Right before I found this site (about a month ago), I was about to throw in the towel. I was very frustrated and and fed up. But this site actually helped me put things in perspective and take a deep look at our relationship and all that entails. Believe it or not, it made me realize that our BM situation could be a lot worse. It could be better of course, but it could be worse for sure. I came to the realization that I really love him. He has his faults for sure, but so do I. He is a wonderful man and a great father and I know I want to have children with him. But you are all right, the BM will be the big problem. But I think at this point in my life, I can handle it...well at least I have hope for it!! I guess time will tell.
Most states mandate payroll withholding for CS after 1994.
It is great. Nothing is late, everything gets paid and we don't have to interface with Bio-Dad at all. Every once in a while instead of a single check for the entire amount the state will send two or three checks the total of which matches the CS award. We have asked the state several times the reason for this but the the clerk always replies "Did you get the total amount?" and brushes us off. One of those little mysteries that never seem to be explained by our sterling family law system.
If direct payroll withholding is not in place you should be able to ask the court to order it without having to go for a hearing. Once there is an arrearage on CS the court should implement direct withholding pretty readily. Once it starts I do not believe it can be stopped until the child ages out from under the CS order so the sooner the better IMHO.
Go for it ASAP IMHO.
Best regards,
It is supposed to be withheld from her check
But for some reason, he is not recieving it. He said he is going to call the Family Support Registry, in CO to check on it. At first we suspected she might have lost her job (It happens every time and she is about due. She is bipolar.)But it looks like she is still employed. He might receive a check this month for half of the total support, then the following two months not receive anything, then receive a check the next month for a months CS, plus half. It is really strange and spotty. Mainly, what I know is what he complains to me about. When I mention anything to him, its like he shuts down and does not listen. I live in CA & he lives in CO, so I don't really get to see the paperwork, etc. I have tried to keep my nose out of it as much as I can lately, because it always seems like I am nagging him. But it gets to a point where he is finanacially struggling and could use that $80 a month, and it makes me soo angry with her and then with him for ignoring it. He suspects that the company that she is working for is not withholding it from her check properly.
I did not ask him if he actually called the FSR. I just did not want to be disappointed if he didn't. I guess I should ask him, huh? LOL!!!
CSE...
Child Support Enforcement. FSR is the processing center, have him file for enforcement. It'll cost him $20.
Get a case worker and if the employer is to blame, they'll get them in check.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Thanks!
I will mention that to him tonight.
Are all BM's Bi-Polar
I seriously wonder if "our BM" is. She is wonderful(used loosely) and somewhat decent for a time. And then KA_WHAM!! It is back down the tubes. God forbid my husband & I don't work out. But I swear I will never behave like these women do. Why is it so hard to see what is best for the children?
Not sure if all are
But it sounds like a lot act like it. "Our BM" was actually diagnosed as being bipolar 2 years ago. I kept telling my BF that she was, and then the diagnosis came. I had a sister in law that was, so I had experienced it before. But to be honest, I don't think all her antics are due to that. I think she is generally just a crappy person. Like you said, "why is it so hard to see what is best for the children." She only looks out for her best interests, and then tries to disguise them as her son's.
As for the CSE, he did call the FSR on Friday and found out that he had to go through CSE. He's really angry. He said last night that he is going to call her first to make her aware of it, then go to CSE. He also said he is going to stop doing all the extra things he does for her, that she doesn't appreciate and feels entitled to. I won't hold my breath though, I've heard it before.