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I can't stand how angry I am

c-mom's picture

Submitted by c-mom on Sun, 11/04/2012 - 4:30pm

Today in church I sat in the third row. In the first row was a couple with a baby about two months old. They were both loving on the baby and holding each other. In the second row right in front of me was a couple who had a toddler and she was probably about 8 months pregnant. He was holding the little boy loving on him and kept reaching over and rubbing her belly. I was sitting next to SD (who we recently realized is a sexual predator and thus we are forced to stop trying to concieve) and my skin was crawling with jealousy toward the couples and hatred toward SD. Grrrr!!! Sad Then when I try to talk to DH about how I am feeling he started reminiscing about memories he had of when she was a baby! Like feeding her in the hospital when BM was passed out, taking her in a backpack hiking, and her scooting across the floor when he would walk in from work with her arms out saying "Da-y". I had to stop him. I told him that hearing this was not helping me. He got angry and quit talking to me. Now he is sitting on the other side of the living room cuddling with his son watching TV (which he never does) when I just tried talking to him (to no avail) about how I am so angry that his daughter is robbing me of the one dream I had in life, to be a mother. How can he be so insensitive?

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c-mom's picture

Submitted by c-mom on Sun, 11/04/2012 - 5:31pm

I wrote a blog about it but the short version... she has been sexually abused and has mental disabilities. It all started a year and a half ago when she molested her great grandma. She was punished and talked to about what is right and wrong. What she had done. We thought it was a one-time thing but my nephew has recently moved here and she has been displaying behaviors toward him that are of a sexual nature.

c-mom's picture

Submitted by c-mom on Sun, 11/04/2012 - 5:41pm

Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention. It seems as though what she is striving for is power over them. She only chooses to act this way toward a)paralyzed gg b) more severely retarded children at school and c) my nephew who is only 4 and doesn't know any better

c-mom's picture

Submitted by c-mom on Tue, 11/06/2012 - 9:09pm

13

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Sun, 11/04/2012 - 4:44pm

Your SD isn't necessarily a sexual predator...she's DISABLED. She has a very low IQ. Labeling her as a sexual deviant will help no one, including yourself.
IF, big IF, she is able to get help (which I understand has been frustrating thus far) she *may* find ways to control her behavior.

I am very sorry you have chosen not to have children as a result. However, keep in mind that she's 13, and will be "out" in a matter of a few years. You could choose to wait to have children until she becomes of age, if that's a possibility for you.

c-mom's picture

Submitted by c-mom on Sun, 11/04/2012 - 5:06pm

She won't ever be out though. She will never be competent enough to care for herself. I get her for the rest of my life. And she is a sexual predator (at least for now) because she knows it is wrong and acts on it anyway. How can I bring a baby into a house where I know that if I turn my head for a second too long she could hurt it? I didn't decide not to. Her presence and behavior decided for me. DH will not give his daughter up and I don't expect him to. The only control I have over the situation is to not give her a baby to prey on. And if she will do things like this to unrelated children, I know she would do worse to a baby who she will undoubtedly be jealous of.

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Sun, 11/04/2012 - 5:30pm

I wouldn't give her a baby to prey on, either.

I'm just thinking that there are adult homes for developmentally disabled people. They can collect disability, or whatever aid there is for people in this position, and they can typically live pretty cheaply.

I don't think it's the same as DH 'giving her up' if she moves out as an adult into a home that can accomodate and help her.

I understand your frustration, though. Sometimes life just deals us hands that are SO unfair.

I'll throw this out there, simply because you said you were at church this morning.
When I get upset with things in my life, I think of a sweet friend from high school.
She is 36. Two years ago, she got remarried, and was SUPER happy. Like, gag you kinda happy. Wink
Six months later, she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.
Two months later, her brother in law was diagnosed with brain cancer.
It's been a year and a half.
He just died.
She is still fighting.
Her DH was just diagnosed with cancer. Not sure how serious yet.
She has THREE little children she'll leave behind if she loses her battle.

It can always be worse. Therefore, by the grace of God go I...

c-mom's picture

Submitted by c-mom on Sun, 11/04/2012 - 5:47pm

DH won't put her in one and I do not blame him for that because I was a nurse assistant for 6 years. Do you know how many sexual deviants who actually have normal IQ's target nursing homes and group homes for the mentally retarded? He can't protect her if she is in a home. Thank you for trying to point out options. I am normally really good at seeing the silver lining. I just am so hurt by all of this. Especially because I feel like there are people who could have prevented it from getting this far (and that includes DH in a small part) and everybody just tried, and in the case of the officials who should now be helping her, are trying, to just sweep it under the rug and it took away my only dream in life.

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Sun, 11/04/2012 - 6:13pm

I haven't got any answers about your very difficult situation, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you have such a difficult choice, and that your SO has been so stupidly insensitive to your feelings. You would think he would see the big neon sign saying 'do not parade your baby reminiscences in front of the person who can't have a baby', but it seems that he took your reaction as a sign that you were rejecting his happy memories and squashing him, when in fact you were rightly pointing out that he was inadvertently rubbing your nose in the fact that you may not get to create those happy memories with him and your own child. Maybe you could say to him 'I'm glad you got to have those happy memories with SD, I'm just sad that I'm not going to get to create those memories with our own baby. I need you to understand that, and be a bit more tactful.' Although obviously it would be more satisfying and well deserved to hit him over the head with the neon sign.

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Sun, 11/04/2012 - 7:52pm

Agree...I think you really need to figure out if this is worth it. This is YOUR life. Sorry, but it is one thing for us to have issues with our DHs because of CS, crazy ex, even somewhat crazy and needy skid for a few years, knowing thing will improve somewhat...but to know you won't have kids and you will always have to live with someone like that? Sorry, NO MAN is worth me giving up my entire life...and I think you need to get some counseling because stress DOES KILL...and NOBODY should be expected to give up their life for someone else's kid at all...especially, not a few years, but your ENTIRE life...no way.

c-mom's picture

Submitted by c-mom on Tue, 11/06/2012 - 9:17pm

Her mom is a crackhead who signed her off at a UPS store. She calls from time to time when she has some drama to tell the kids about, or when she wants to find out info about DH or I. She never sees them. Never asks to. She is the biggest POS ever. The time that SD was sexually abused and the other suspected sexual abuse were both on BM's watch. I'm having a very hard time dealing with those thoughts. I honestly do love my DH, and know that even though he is quite inconsiderate of other peoples' feelings sometimes, he truly loves me. I also do not believe in divorce except in cases of abuse or infidelity, but I am considering a two-home marriage since he cannot hold up his side of the commitment.

Annanymous's picture

Submitted by Annanymous on Sun, 11/04/2012 - 11:07pm

I just happened by your thread and wanted to say contact your state's Division of Developmental Disabilities (that's the current name in my state, it was previously "Division of Mental Retardation and Developmental Disabilities".

There is a Federal Waiver Program that provides services to persons and families of persons that meet the criteria. Depending on the status of the individual/family it could be weeks to years, but its there and there are even some services available while on the waiting list. You don't have to go to a "group home" or nursing home either. There are apartments where 2 or 3 people live together with a full-time staff on hand and family home programs as well. There are work training programs to varying degrees depending on the person's abilities and capacities, day programs and community involvement programs.

I worked for a non-profit that provided those residential services as well as all the other services and it was truly a wonderful place and it was not "group-home-like" at all. There were some houses were three clients would live together with a full-time staff member in the home at all times, but never more than 2 or 3 people in a home. Now there are some crappy places, but you just have to be aware and choose the right places.

They live to the best of their abilities independently (like staff taking them grocery shopping and helping them make choices).

There are people that still lived at home and receive services that improve their quality of life and their behaviors, as well.

The earlier you get on the waiting list, the better, too, since it is so long. Also, you can always decline services, decline services while on the waiting list, decline acceptance if eligibility comes up, or can pick and choose what services you're willing to accept and there is no forced residential.

It sounds like SD could really use the therapy and the behavior specialist at the very least with the future option of "independent living" with a roommate and a full-time staff to assist as an adult. It doesn't hurt or cost anything to learn about it.

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Mon, 11/05/2012 - 10:45am

That last I read your blog all this with your nephew was some what recent. I think you are moving at lightening speed. the other day you were asking for opinions on her odd behavior and today she is a sexual preditor?

I think your giving up your dream alittle faster then I would like to see, and I think that maybe you need to follow some of the directions and leads given on your post prior.

First and foremost there is going to have to be a division between you and your husband. It is obvious your husband doesnt have the same "sexual predator" about your SD that you do which is sad.

However someone must take steps to try to get this child help. It was suggested a million times on one of your previous posts that at the time that happened with your nephew that the authorities need to be called. I know that must be so hard because you will be going against your DH. But what about his DD who needs help and what about her victims who need protection. If you want your life back CLAIM it by handling the situation as you would if this was a total stranger who had sexually approached a minor or elderly person in your family that you love and care about. Im betting the call would have been made already.

You cant point fingers and label people, but a doctor can, and the authorities can.

Help yourself, help that little girl, help her victims, and most of all help your DH, he will thank you later!

c-mom's picture

Submitted by c-mom on Tue, 11/06/2012 - 9:29pm

You and everybody else on my other post about it either missed the fact that we have called ALL of the authorities and are getting no help, or just don't believe that we have. BUT! God has answered my prayers. I happened across a local parenting magazine and the cover said "Coping with your child's mental disability diagnosis" and "Resources for parents of mentally disabled children" so I immediately turned to the resources page and RIGHT THERE IT WAS!! Six counselors in the area who specialize in mentally disabled children. So I have been being lied to by the County Mental Health Dept. all along. We have contacted a counselor and we now have an appointment to get her, and ourselves, some help with this issue. But, please tell me how you would be comfortable with bringing an infant into a house where one of the inhabitants continues to act out sexually to people she deems to be inferior to her? She will not only see an infant as a weak target, but she is extremely jealous and will be even more extremely jealous if her daddy has another baby which will be one more reason for her to target my child. That is why I don't see any way that it will be possible for me to have children in this home.