Yes, you can - I have for the last 10 years. I have a small amount of trivial chat with my SD18 when she arrives EOW. With my SD16, whom I loathe, I have none whatsoever. I do nothing for them, I never go out with DH when he takes them to stuff. I have been the same for a decade. They have put my gifts in the bin, so I rarely buy them these days, and only occasionally for SD18, like on her 18th birthday, never for SD16. I give DH a little money and tell him to put it towards her gift.

If you want to message me about particular issues to do with disengagement, feel free. But it is certainly possible.

In response to your questions, Echo is right, you can do as little or as much as you want down the continuum of disengagement. It is best to start gradually. Back when I disengaged, I did not know there was a term for it - and no internet support group, so I just started backing off as it felt the natural response to the madness of EOW.

My younger SD, who was then 5 or 6, would sabotage every "family" outing we went on - so I stopped going on them - as I figured it was better for 3 people to have a good time than 4 people to have a crap one - and this is how I explained it to DH - he saw the logic, though was sad I was not coming out with them. I felt it was actually quite a generous move on my part to back away and let the SDs have one on one time with their Dad.

But as time went on and NPD BM continued to PAS the SDs, things if anything, got worse - particularly with YSD and my verbal input when they were around became less and less - I am a non confrontational person, and I back away if I feel uncomfortable. I think my DH realised this - but he didn't do much to help the situation - I think he was scared that NPD BM would withdraw visitation, which she did a number of times, but in the end he got wise to this and started to tell her to get on with it. It never lasted more than one weekend.

I didn't like (and still don't) mealtime with the SDs as they are such motor mouths and spout such rubbish and BRAG all the time, which I hate. I am an understated Brit and I loathe grandstanding. I generally cook one meal for all, while they are here, but wherever possible I eat mine separately. DH cooks the others.

He is aware that I don't care for his daughters, but until a few years ago, I didn't feel I could show the full extent of my negative feelings as I was in fear for my marriage. However, I got to the point of "what the hell" these girls are disrespectful and obnoxious - why should I have to pretend to like them? Or maybe that it's that I'm just getting older (55). I have 2 of my own daughters who are 31 and 29 and they have always got on fine with DH.
I think its a tricky thing - disengaging - you have to judge how much of it your marriage can stand. But mine has had to stand a lot - because otherwise I would have either left or lost it, mentally.