O/T- My DD has killed my spirit
Not step-related, but whatever.
I have a 6 year old daughter that I love to the ends of the earth, but right at this moment, she has almost caused me to lose my will to live.
Backstory: I stupidly got involved with an abusive, manipulative man, and had a child with him. Throughout our relationship he was EXREMELY violent, injured me, took everything I had, cheated countless times, even getting another girl pregnant, and kidnapped my child, to name only a few. When I ended the relationship, he had his mother take me to court to prove I was "unfit" and take my child away. I got a psych eval, had my child's doctor's and care providers interviewed and strangers in my home poking around. I still won sole legal and physical custody.
He and his mother refuse to follow the court order and we have been to court over this numerous times.
Fast forward to now.
I am the parent of an angry, abusive, manipulative, defiant child, who is disturbed well beyond her years. I take her to therapy consistently and make sure she takes the meds for her ADHD daily, yet she continues to get worse. She steals almost daily, lies, is violent, and doesn't seems to care about punishments. I try to be very consistent in parenting her and do my best to follow-up her actions promptly, but she still acts terrible. I will get down and speak to her very seriously in a stern tone, and she hides her face in her hands, giggling uncontrollably. I took everything from her room besides her bed, clothes, and books, due to the latest incident, and she doesn't really care. She stole an entire BAG of things from her step-sister's room and took them to school. She got caught and a staff member told me when I went to pick her up that day. I went to collect the bag from the coat hook and she went into a full raging melt-down, and the principal, Special Ed director, Student Liason, the childcare director, me and the staff member were all trying to restrain her and get her into my car, and she didn't seem to care one lick. Then after that, today she was supposed to visit grandma/dad and she fought me over eating, dressing, and anything else she possibly could, then on the way out she told me her dad hates me and so she doesn't want to live with me anymore. At this point I was on the floor bawling and my SO had to wrangle her into a jacket and get her out the door. I am overwhelmed, sad, broken, defeated. I am out of ideas. I have tried so hard and fought so hard for her and none of it matters, it seems. 
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She's only 6 and doing all
She's only 6 and doing all this? I'm so sorry...
As a nurse, and mother of 13 yr old boy who was also diagnosed with adhd, my heart goes out to you. My son can be defiant, and lie, and be full on devil, but never the stealing, and nothing to the extent of these outbursts.
Have you considered a mis diagnosis? Being that the adhd meds are the equilivent to speed, these could easily be the behaviors of a speed freak, or meth head (i know a few, and its sounds just like them)
If being on these meds, and she is getting worse, then it may be time to consider different meds. When they put my son on some of the 'real' adhd meds, he went ballistic, agitated, defiant, twitchy, screaming at people. I was afraid he was going to hurt someone. HE was afraid and was asking me whats wrong with him, and got upset because he couldn't stop. And he only took one dose. They put him on a mood stabilizer, and I gave him no more adhd meds, period. He was like a different child. He didnt get upset, and have emotional outbursts, or anger , or tantrums. But he was good. Eventually he got old enough, to where we tried no meds. And he can still be a butt, but he knows he has to learn to control himself, or he goes back on meds, or at least to therapy. And he hated taking the medicine, and going to a psychiatrist. He is doing much better now, and even has an A in advanced science. He still can be a little defiant, but we generally have very few problems, and he hasn't had any behavior problems at school in years. We occasionally have skid issues, but that's a whole other ball game.
I thinly for you and your child's sake, you should discuss this with your doctor. And if the doctor is not willing, you should consider a second opinion. I assume she is being mediated and treated by a psychiatrist, and not her pediatrician. If not, you should start. Psychiatrist are way more equipped in this dept.
Do not give up hope. I know you feel beaten down right now, but that is just your signal that something isnt working. And the first place I would start, is with the medicine. Not all adhd kids have to take meds. They learn to cope as they get older. And not all diagnosis are perfect. At her age, it is prob pretty hard to clearly diagnose anything. And with her being on meds, you have no way of telling her baseline. Kids can mature quickly.
Well, I think it's important
Well, I think it's important for your daughter to know that YOU are in control. You need to be loving and firm, but you need to take away the power you've given her.
You allowed her to "work you" into a bawling mess huddled on the floor as the result of her behavior. Can you see now how much power you gave her? You then had your BF "handle" her, because you showed her that you could not.
I think these things are like feeding a monster. It shows her that she is stronger, more determined, and more powerful than you. At 6, that sucks. At 16, it will be... I can't think of a word!
I would suggest a different doctor/therapist. Look for options in the DX. Also, does she behave like this with everyone else? At school? At daycare? In any sports teams she's in? At her grandmother's house?
I'm sorry that you are going
I'm sorry that you are going through this. I went through something similar with my BS10 when he was 6. It was so exhausting. Everyday when I picked him up from school/daycare there was always a complaint. When he was younger I couldn't even bring him to the park with other children because he just couldn't play with other children. He was so aggressive and mean to the other children. I would have to take the public bus to places and he would scream and cry and throw his body on the floor for no reason. I would have to get off way ahead of my stop just to be able to get him to calm down or figure out what was wrong with him. It would take us forever to get to places.
I'm happy to say that it has gotten better. My son no longer takes a pill for his ADHD but rather the patch. And I don't even give it to him everyday. Putting him in sports helped because he uses all of energy and he learns to play with others. He also saw the counselor at school regularly in addition to a family counselor that I took him.
I know it is exhausting. I remember crying because all I wanted was a 'normal' child. And we still have challenges, but you can't give up!!
Have you thought about changing her meds? In the beginning when the doctor was trying to find the right meds for my son we tried Adderall and it made him 1000 times worse.
((((hugs))))
First of all, I know I don't
First of all, I know I don't get a gold star for my performance this morning. I don't usually respond that way, but that last part was the nail in the coffin.
Second, she has been to a psychiatrist once, and has a follow-up in 3 weeks. Getting in is not easy, to say the least. I agree that there may be a misdiagnosis or a medication issue, but I don't truly believe that the meds are causing her behavior. She has only been medicated for a little over a year, and the violence, impulsive behaviors, defiance, stealing, and lying were all present prior to meds. Though, the meds did seem to be working initially, they no longer really make a difference, even after "tweaking" the dosage.
We were just discussing inpatient care for her this morning, and I brought it up in an email I wrote to my lawyer as well, since her behavior has been escalating so much and I don't feel that the "traditional" methods are working for her at this point. I just didn't know if it was one of those things that they gave a referral to based on need, or if you could ask and get in. But those 3 things (compassion, empathy, and a consciece) she lacks to extremes, and she needs to develop them somehow.
And I,too know the feeling of dreading walking in to pick up my child. They corner me about 3 times a week and tell me how disobedient she has been, and they treat me like I just raised a feral child and never discipline her. I have had numerous people tell me to go home and give her a good old-fashioned talking to. I just want to laugh! If talking to's helped my child she would be a model citizen by now. She gets several a day. What's worse is having a panic attack every time I see the school or daycare phone # pop up on my cell while I'm at work.
It's been a very hard week for me, but hopefully we can get some things straightened out in the near future.
is it possible the visits
is it possible the visits with her Dad are causing her angry behaviour? My parents foster and they would spend the month turnihg th unruly children into "good" kids then they would visit with their parents for an hour, come back and for the next week were helliians!
I'm so sorry you are going
I'm so sorry you are going through this all the advice you've been given comes from far more knowledge than I have but here's what I do have. Don't forget to take care of yourself! We can't help others if we don't, so besides working towards all you can for your little girl make sure you get some for yourself too. Build a support network around you for you you'll be stronger and better able to cope, we as parents and step parents sometimes forget this part and it'll wear you down quick. Take a nice hot bath relax and remember your working toward a solution doing what you can with what you have, and hugs to you, great big smooshy hugs.
I agree!! I wonder if its her
I agree!! I wonder if its her meds? I once, was given a med for depression after a major injury. I was an adult, but omg! That med made me feel totally psycho!! Some meds simply have bad adverse reactions in certain people!! I remember my then spouse taking me to 2 ERs & back to the subscribing Dr. It was pure Hell ! I only took that med 3 times, but it seriously took about a full 2 weeks in misery to get rid of its affects on my body. Not only did I not feel like myself- I was certainly not acting right. I wasnt harmfull to others but I felt crazy!!! Bad experience!!
Is it possible that her meds are affecting her adversely? Id talk closely with her Drs to switch off meds. Please do Not be ashamed of whats going on & also do Not blame yourself!!
Hugs!!!
First and foremost,
First and foremost, ((((hugs))))). I can relate to so much of your post. Notagain is 100% right. The stimulants given should not be making her worse. There are also a couple non stimulants that cause outrageous behavior and mood swings. That aside, have you had counseling? For all you have been through it greatly skews how we handle things in stressful situations. I carry guilt, blame, shame, etc. I worry I'm overdoing or not doing enough always. And behavior that reminds me of a time I'd rather forget,gets me doubting myself. Counseling for myself has helped me deal with my angry/add son in a way that I don't hate myself and can feel good about my choices. It's still hard. If you ever need to talk just vent or rant, send me a message
You are 100% correct, she
You are 100% correct, she does have the Oppositional defiance disorder, and it is by far more debilitating than the ADHD, and is harder to treat!
Her father is also a major stress point. He is a 29 year old little boy who cannot seem to grow up. He is court ordered to have supervised visits in a "CHILD SAFETY CENTER", but the catch is that his c&*t mom also has visits and she is supposed to ensure that my child is taken to the safety center on "dad's day" for visitation. Following the CO would look like this: GM picks child up from my house every 3rd Sat morning @ 8:30 a.m. She spends the day w/child. She takes child @ 9 on Sunday to safety center to visit dad. She returns child to my house @ 5 p.m. Sunday. What happens is more like this: GM picks up child @ 8:30 a.m. and drives to the McDonald's restaurant 6 blocks from my house and hands her off to dad and he drives away (unlicensed by the way) in direct disobedience of the CO. She picks up child about 4:45 Sunday from the McDonald's and drives her back to my house to drop off @ 5.
A few more things about her father: he never has less than 2 or 3 "girlfriends" at any given time whom he feels the need to involve in my daughter's life and have stay over at their houses on the visit wkend, he has incurred multiple domestic violence citations (not including mine) as recently as last year (it is only Jan. after all) one of which was in presence of a minor child, he does not work, he has no DL, and has a substance abuse issue, all of which he has been court ordered to seek treatment for, and he has not. This is putting aside the fact that he is a pure jackass and he and his family try to PAS my child against me on the one day a month they are allowed contact. I know my kid sees things over there that she should not, but I am powerless to stop what's going on without taking away both GM and his rights, since she just enables him to see her unsupervised. (Hence the recent contact with my lawyer)
But, I would like to thank everyone for the input so far, and for the hugs and making me feel like I am not some sort of monster. It is a small guesture of goodwill on this difficult day.
If you think that the
If you think that the grandmother drops her off to her dad at the mcdonalds maybe you can have a police officer there waiting... that's a violation of the court order. Also, no one seems concerned that the child never shows up at the safety center? I would think that the social worker would at least ask you if your daughter's father is choosing not to exercise his visitation...at that point you could say that her grandmother picks up those days, she is supposed to be bringing her to the safety center...If the BF is at his mother's house with your child and he's not supposed to be call the police it's a violation of the CO, he has supervised visitation because he's dangerous. It doesn't take much to get a friend to drive you by her house(in a car they won't recognize)and see if he's there. If so, call the police. It would be good if you could catch them both because then the grandmother's visitation would be terminated for the violation or they may give her supervised visits too.
I don't know anything about oppositional defiance disorder but how do you know she has this disorder and it's not learned behavior from her father? Her saying that her dad hates you and she doesn't want to live with you anymore sounds like he and his family trash you to her.