Jen, as usual, I love your blog!

I too have to admit that I used to have big issues with the skids. Or so I thought. It turns out my issues were really with DH and BM. There were times when I unnecessarily took my feelings out on my SDs. I've apologized to them for that. I learned to direct my anger at DH and BM. Once I did that, my relationships with the SDs got soooo much better. I also learned to take some responsibility, because, while I didn't know how bad the situation would be, I did know that DH had kids and a difficult ex-wife. I also knew that, as an adult, I had the choice of leaving if things got really bad. Skids did not have that choice.

The turning point for when things got better was when DH and I sat the kids down for a family meeting. This was when we were going for custody. The meeting began by me apologizing to skids for my taking my stuff out on them and promising not to do that again. We also let them voice their feelings about me, my actions, and the situation. We also told them that we were getting them individual counseling and that the whole family would be getting counseling, too. It took a lot of work on everybody's part, especially mine, but things have gotten much better for everyone.

As far as BM, I don't care for her, but I respect her place in the lives of my skids. I had to learn to stop letting her take up so much of my precious brain space. Now, I focus on supporting my SDs every time she lets them down. I focus on being there for them. I don't get angry at her for the limited CS she pays or for the cleanliness (or lack thereof) of her home. I just have to focus on SDs.

If my DH and I were to get divorced and I heard that the kids' new SM was treating them the way I was treated and the way it seems a lot of stepkids on here are treated, I would be doing everything within my power to help the skids. Kids can sense when they are not liked, no matter how nice the other person is to their face. The same goes for stepkids.

The greatest thing we can do for ourselves is to look inside our souls and see what we have the power to change. We cannot control how anyone else acts or how anyone else feels, but we can control how we act and feel. Instead of focusing on what everyone else is doing wrong, we can look at what we're contributing to the situation and try to change it.

I can agree with you blog on lot of your points. I think some of the SM's here are frazzled with the situations they are in. It is not easy to maintain positive when you continue to get negative each and every day.

I consider myself lucky right now. My SD is a great little girl and gets along great with everyone she comes in contact with. I expect her to do normal kids things and to have bad days. What i didn't expect was the attacks from her mother against myself and my husband just because we got married.

However, I have come to the realization that me and my husband have to concentrate on our marriage - kick BM out of our marriage - and concentrate on our children. It has made things so much easier for us. BM still pulls her attacks - like the foolish one I blogged about earlier with the too small clothing coming and trying to block his weekend visits. BUT we expect that from her - and no longer try to figure her out. She is what and who she is. So be it.

We as moms can not control how other people act and react to us. But we can control ourselves and our actions. I actually make sure I greet BM and her family each and every time with a smile and happiness. I know they hate me - but i will not be a shallow and ignorant acting as they are. It is so not necessary. I put my concentration on my BD and SD. They know they are loved and we all have a great time each time SD comes. Now if that angers BM then so be it. I make sure I put the focus where it should be - my home, my husband, my family, my step-daughter and our collective well-being. If she doesn't like that - it is her problem and her stress to deal with.

That attitude and way of life has made things so much more easier for us - and takes away BM's perceived (by herself of course) power over "us".

********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************

i am one of those members.

and slowly i am beginning to realize that in order to be a good mom to my bd3, i have to take care of myself, physically and mentally. i say slowly because healing is a process, not an overnight thing.

i realize sd11 will never accept me and i may never accept her. theres no rule saying i have to love her right? but i know i have to be civil. and my way of being civil is to stay out of it and let bf do everything, even if i dont agree. its been almost a week and i feel lighter from giving up being an active part of sd11's life, as she requested.

its a slow process. and bf and i may not make it, but until that final decision is made we all have to be civil. so far, its ok.

thank you ST members for everything.

Excellent Blog StepmomJen...Kudos to you for being honest and gutsy enough to tell it like it is. I know that while alot of us on here have very similar stories and situations, being a SD is definitely different from being a SM. I have the fortunate situation of actually loving SD as one of my own, with the unfortunate situation of not being able to treat her as one of my own. This is a feeling quite common to stepparents as they are told in many cases to mind their business, or that is not your place, or he/she has a father, or I will handle it, etc etc. I find it ironic too because when SD wants to go to the movies, shopping, bowling, rollerskating, blah blah blah it's ok for me to ACT like her dad and take her, and her friends and pay for everything, yet when she does something she needs to be reprimanded for then all of a sudden i'm "not her dad". True...I'm not and that is something I have known since day one. And this is also something i've known since day one, I made it very clear to my wife that I will love her child as my own and treat her as if she were mine, but that means respecting me and the rules and regulations I've set forward in our house. That is a respect that EVERYONE deserves be it step or bio parent and I wouldn't expect anything less. Sadly, that has not been the case here as SD has been able to disable BM ability to enforce rules and punishment by guilting her...which I also blame my wife for. You hit the nail on the head SMJ, parents are to blame as well...but a child her age is also old enough to be held accountable for her actions. I truly feel sorry for my SD because she is one very confused child. She is in therapy, however her BD is telling her that she should tell her mom she's fine and doesn't need it. Of course he doesn't know that she's going because he is making her life a living hell by bad mouthing her mother to her, punishing her when she sticks up for her mom and telling her that her moms new family is not hers (that my kids are not even related to her). He tells her that it's not a lie if you believe it to be true and that she should know that he is always around her when she talks and will know what she says to her mom, therapist, counselor, law guardian or judge and that she doesn't see him because hes invisible. And after what I've seen her do to her MOTHER in court, with the lies and deceit I can only imagine what she would be able to do to ME and MY children. I feel that for everyones best interest I have to keep a firm grip on this family and how we go forward with this child because she is showing me that she only knows one way to be and that is to do whatever she has to to get what she wants...very dangerous when combined with BD and his influence. I thank you for taking time to post this blog because it seems to tackle the major subjects we as stepparents face. And I can say this honestly, my relationship with my SD has not gone south because of lack of trying or even the fact that I love her to pieces, but because she has shown me that she will do WHATEVER is necessary to get what she wants and that includes hurting the ones she loves and THAT is not something I will subject myself, my wife or my children to.

SMJ, you said this in a much more understanding manner than the other blog I read. You understand what a lot of the step-parents on here have faced, and you also understand that this is a place to vent. Just because we may say something on this site, does not mean we act it out in real life.

Very well said and thank you!!!

______________________________________

Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

This is a great post! Very eloquent, understanding and intelligent. I think you make a lot of great points! As usual though, I am the one who has the slightly opposing viewpoint on all this. I am not disagreeing with the majority of what you say, but I thought i'd add a slightly different take. First of all, I hope that all the step-parents on here (including myself) get to the point that you are at. You have a very mature and caring attitude and obviously have put a lot of thought into what you express. The point where I differ from your POV is that most of the people on this site are here specifically to vent. The blogs tend to be repetitive and often negative because we are struggling with the same issues day after day and venting by nature is usually negative. In my case, this is my outlet for my frustrations and worries in regards to step-parenting and in my daily life I am usually a pretty upbeat and happy person, wife and step-mom. I just don't want anyone to feel guilty, ashamed or inferior if they are still struggling with the difficulties of step-parenting and haven't reached the emotional place that you have. You made it very clear that you aren't judging anyone and I think that's rad! Even so, I think a lot of people might feel like they are failures because they are still filled with hate, anger, frustration etc.. towards their skids and/or BMs/BDs. It is inspiring to read stories like yours, but each persons situation is different and sometimes it isn't possible or even desirable to be on great terms with skids or bio-parents. I don't think anyone on here is ever attacking or criticizing bio-parents in general. I think it's usually a specific BM or BD in their life and since most of the people on here are blogging because they have BM/BD trauma a common bond of anger towards bio-parents is expressed and may make it seem like ALL bio-parents are psycho. This is about as true as saying that ALL step-parents are evil. People come here to vent and to give and take advice. The step-moms who are getting massages for two and having playful pillow fights and slumber parties with their BMs are busy doing that, not blogging on this site! Luckily there are SMs/BMs like you who show that we can eventually reach a place of emotional peace, compassion and understanding, but I think that venting is healthy and normal and I hope no one feels like they shouldn't express negativity on here. Expressing anger in a blog is way better than expressing it in real life or taking it out on husbands, wives and skids! Everyone is at a different place when it comes to feelings about their blended families and I don't think one perspective is superior to another just because there is less or more anger.

In regards to the respect issue, I agree that basic respect is vitally important in all relationships. That said, I think that personal respect is something that should be earned and not given freely. Basic respect for human life (and animal life!) is essential always, but I am talking about the kind of personal respect that is reserved for people who merit it. In my opinion, the approach taken for skids and BMs should be totally different because skids are in the kid (learning) role and BMs/BDs are in the adult (teaching/role model) role. When skids are children they should be automatically given a certain amount of understanding and leniency because they are still developing as people and are learning how to be adults and still need understanding and guidance. Adults on the other hand, including adult skids and bio-parents, need to earn personal respect with their choices and behavior. Other than the basic respect given to all living things, earned personal respect has value because it is earned, not given away for free. If there was a big bin of respect for sale at the dollar store, almost no one would be interested in buying it and they would be down at Gucci plopping down thousands of dollars for small bundles of hatred. Personal respect has value because it is earned and things of value (even abstract concepts) are not free, they cost something. If it is given to everyone regardless of how they treat others it has absolutely zero value, in my opinion. I want to be clear and explain that the kind of basic respect I think SBSteve is talking about should be given to everyone regardless of how they behave. I am talking about a different kind of respect. For example, I do not think that adults that emotionally harm the people around them (their children, their exes and the step-parents of their children) should be treated the same way that people who do not harm the people around them do. When a person acts in a morally reprehensible fashion there are natural social consequences for their behavior and I think this is necessary so that they can learn what is and is not okay. Certain behaviors are just not okay and if we give out "respect" carte blanche, unacceptable behaviors will be accepted, allowed and/or reinforced. Even the psycho BMs mentioned in a lot of the blogs deserve basic human respect, I am not arguing that, but I do not think it is healthy or helpful to step back and allow destructive actions. In my world, respect is earned, not freely given. For example, the BM in my life absolutely qualifies as one of the psycho BMs. She physically neglects her children, emotionally abuses them, uses and abuses almost everyone she comes into contact with and treats the father of her children and her children's step-mother with verbal and emotional abuse. I do have compassion and pity for her, but I absolutely do not respect her. She is not worthy of my personal respect. If she changed and grew as a person and put her children first, she might slowly earn my respect. That does not appear to be happening anytime soon and all efforts to help her have been thrown back in people's faces. She has a mental illness (Borderline Personality Disorder) that influences her behavior in a very negative way and I think allowances should be made for psychologically ill people, but in addition to this, my BM uses, abuses, and disrespects herself, her children, my husband and I and pretty much everyone she comes into contact with and these actions are choices she consciously and actively makes on a daily basis. I have a close friend with BPD and although it makes her difficult to deal with, she is a good person and shows respect to the people around her.

An average bio-mom that doesn't like her ex or his new wife might have a lot of anger and hatred and she might or might not be justified in this. This kind of bio-mom might or might not deserve respect, it completely depends on the individual person and situation. Not all BMs deserve respect and I don't think giving them automatic respect helps them or anyone else. In the cases of BMs that I don't think deserve respect, I do not mean that they deserve to be disrespected. In my opinion, there is a huge difference between having respect for someone and disrespecting them. If a BM does not deserve respect that does not mean she should be disrespected. I have made mistakes and due to my anger, I have definitely disrespected my BM. I still feel like she deserved it, but my actions were not right because of that. I do not disrespect her anymore, but I do not respect her either. She has done nothing to earn my respect and a lot to earn my contempt. Despite my imperfect reactions to BMs psychotic and horrifying behavior, I have always treated her with basic human respect. I began our tumultuous relationship by giving her a large amount of leeway, benefit of the doubt and blind trust. She completely betrayed my trust, used my kindness and understanding and earned my contempt and hatred. She still deserves basic human respect, but I think serial killers deserve basic human respect and therefore this does not mean that because I show someone basic decency that I think they are worthy of my personal respect. My BM is like a wounded Tiger and while I can have compassion and pity for her and her emotional deficiencies and wounds, she is not to be trusted and will consistently abuse and attack those who try to help her and show her kindness. In addition, it doesn't help her at all to let her hurt people without social consequences. If she is allowed to be a horrible, abusive person and she has no consequences, she will not learn and be pushed by social pressure into growing as a person. In order to get respect, I think you must first show respect to others and yourself. People earn my respect when they treat others with respect. My personal policy is to begin relationships by giving people the benefit of the doubt. I have high standards and I expect people to respect themselves and others. If they do not, they will not earn my respect (and usually earn my contempt and dislike). If they do, they earn my respect. It's very simple. I expect my skids to respect me and they do. I respect them and I haven't been disappointed; they have respected me from day one and I have shown them respect because I am their role model and a parental figure for them. Whatever people say or argue against what i've said, I think that people instinctively do this without thinking about it. For example, I respect myself and give people basic respect and optimistically hope that they are respectful in return. In general, people in my life tend to respect me and in general I tend to respect them right back.

BM is a different story. She doesn't respect herself or other people and I have yet to meet a single person that respects her. Her own children are already starting to dislike her, as she has been lashing out at them like she does to most people. They already don't respect her and a big part of that has to do with the fact that she doesn't respect them as individual people. She has been given every opportunity to grow and change and she consistently makes horrible choices and is abusive. Most people's reactions to her vary from mild dislike to open hatred. There have been many compassionate people who have shown her great understanding and kindness and she ALWAYS rejects them and hurts the people who are showing her the most love. She is just one example of the kind of person that I think should not be automatically respected. She is an unusually messed up person and a fairly dramatic example. Most of the people I encounter wind up earning my respect and in general it is a rare nasty person that fails to earn my respect. I don't know if I have been clear enough about the distinction between basic human respect that all people deserve and the kind of personal respect that I think can only be earned. I don't mean any of this to be offensive and I understand if people disagree with me on this one. I'm used to waving my little lonely flag. Basically, in a nutshell, I think that all people should be shown basic respect, but personal respect must be earned.

I mean all of this positively and I hope it is clear that I am respectfully disagreeing on some aspects of this topic, but not all. I think the goal of compassion, peace, kindness and personal respect towards everyone, including skids and BMs/BDs is ideal and I am slowly doing my best to travel in that direction. In the meantime, venting is keeping me sane and happy and I would be a lot more frustrated and angry in my every day life if I didn't have an outlet like this site for my anger and frustration. In the time I have been on this site, I have already improved dramatically as far as my coping with step-drama goes and the advice and support I have received has been invaluable to me. I hope some day to get to the point where I don't need to vent and let out my bitchy and petty thoughts, but for the moment, cheers to all my venty pals and also those of you who set a more enlightened example for us and give hope for a less angry future.

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde