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self checks and working thru the BS

bluehighlighter's picture

Submitted by bluehighlighter on Wed, 04/02/2014 - 9:52am

So in all honesty and humbleness ...lol

I contribute to problems in my relationships greatly through a few things that I was working on alone in counseling before I ever met SO.

I was raised by a mom with Borderline personality while my father was a very heavily medicated bipolar man, who was the sweetest and most kind person on the earth. My mom a crazy back and forth unstable person. SS's mom fits the borderline pattern also. She was raised in a very abusive home as was my mother. While I can relate to SS, feel compassion for BM, and be frustrated with SO

SO can be a hot mess but he is a loving hot mess and I am full of unfortunately the same issues held over from my mom being a crazy person from being raised in a domestic violence household for 16 years. My parents did better for themselves then their parents. I'm proud of my mom for some of what she did NOT do, that was done to her in her life as a child. I'm proud of myself for not being her, for knowing to check myself and seek help and seek to understand.

I've avoided real intimacy with men for a long time. Dating people who really were unavailable but at the same time a companion of sorts. I've finally gotten to the point in my life that I didn't want to continue that cycle, before I even met SO. And here he and I are with our previous baggage. BOTH of us.

I don't know if anyone else grew up in this sort of environment, but it wrecks havock on adult relationships without fully working and digging in the trenches to work and get past stuff. It's not even stuff you can work on outside of relationship b/c the problems that come up are really only INSIDE of relationships.

just thoughts of the day.

I had bought a book of "surviving a borderline parent" that has workbook pages, in my days off I'm going to work on these pages and try very hard to work on myself. That's what I need for me. For any relationship I'm going to be in.

in case this hits home for anyone else... here's some brief info http://bpdresources.net/top_articles/bpd_children.htm

What is crazy is that I probably chose SO b/c the child is a distraction, allowed me to slowly open up to SO and love him and let him love me back b/c of the child as a distraction. And here were are with all of our issues realizing just how many we have.

Comments

askYOURdad's picture

Submitted by askYOURdad on Wed, 04/02/2014 - 9:59am

It is always a work in progress, you can get there. I think the workbook is a good idea. If you have a chance check out a blog I posted some time ago: http://www.steptalk.org/node/180036

You are not alone in this, and there will always be struggles and always be new feelings that resurface. Just the other day I told DH a memory that I don't know if I have ever thought of because something triggered it. It never goes away, it's almost as if we have some sort of PTSD, maybe not to the extent or in the same way as surviving a horrific trauma, but from being exposed daily to a traumatic lifestyle.

Mercury's picture

Submitted by Mercury on Wed, 04/02/2014 - 11:22am

Did you recognize what your mother was doing when you were a child or did it take a while to sink in? I was a fully grown woman, almost 30, when I realized what my mother had done. I may have figured it out sooner if I had kids...or not Sad

bluehighlighter's picture

Submitted by bluehighlighter on Wed, 04/02/2014 - 11:55am

I knew she was "off" and when I had a long term relationship thru college and my then boyfriend's parents were "normal" and treated me like a normal parent then I realized how bad she was. I didn't really realize until counseling in 2012 how much being raised like that has affected my perceptions of life, people, etc. and my reactions. I'll be 31 this year Sad
Better late than never I guess. I will never ever do that to my children, not SS or a future bio kid. I want so badly to be good to people, i apologize, i try to see how i'm contributing. She's unable to do that as most BPD people are, just like SS's BM. She really is an extremely positive person SOMETIMES, then other times she's completely unstable and nuts, just like my mom was. My counselor said i'm not BPD but being raised by one influences and passes on some of their behaviors to the kids until they unlearn it.

I have to unlearn somethings. really UN LEARN somethings. or be aware of when i'm using the wrong "lens"

bluehighlighter's picture

Submitted by bluehighlighter on Wed, 04/02/2014 - 3:36pm

wow thank you so much for sharing this!!!! Good luck to you! How are you guys doing now? Looks like you are still married that's great.