First Venting Session
Disclaimer: I am mainly writing this to vent, but any suggestions or words of wisdom are certainly appreciated!
Edit: I see a lot of you thinking he moved in with me, and I am supporting him and the girls. I'm sorry for not elaborating! I actually moved in with him and the girls, and I insisted on paying half the bills! I couldn't bear having him pay for my living expenses. Sorry for that confusion. He definitely isn't a moocher! Ahha
I am a new and learning step-parent to my boyfriend's two girls, ages 6 and 10. My boyfriend and I have a 12 year age gap (23 & 35), but his kids and their mom are the primary cause of my dissatisfaction with the relationship.
The 6 year old is selfish, dishonest, and lazy. She has to be told to flush the toilet (every single time); she has broken/damaged my things and lied about doing so; she will say she's cleaned her mess up, when really, she's just swept it under the rug (literally). Now, maybe this is normal for 6 year olds, but as a new and learning parent, I find it absolutely unbearable. I pride myself on a clean and organized home, but she has gotten away with so much living with a single dad for so long, that I can't seem to change her habits. She drives me insane with her tantrums and whining, but there is an upside: what you see is what you get with her. She acts the same with me and her dad as she does when it's just me. And I can tell she actually likes me. She hugs me and talks to me on her own accord.
The 10 year old, on the other hand, is a little more complicated. She never throws fits; she does what you tell her to; she is very kind-hearted. However, she somehow gets on my nerves even more. She is NOT the same with me and her dad as when it's just me and her and her sister. I have to ask something of her (like brushing her teeth) several times before it's done. She doesn't care to talk to me or be affectionate at all. She talks in a baby voice constantly, especially with her dad. She is the first-born and so, naturally, she is his ultimate baby girl. But damn, I can't stand it. She demands his attention and babying every time she's here. But he's so blinded by her kindheartedness, that he can't see the baby talking as an issue. Not to mention, he never sees the side of her that I do when it's just me and the two girls. So while she is genuinely a sweet girl, she paints herself in a little bit of a better light for him so that he can treat her as the baby she wants to be. Ultimate daddy's girl.
I also want to say, I know I am the main issue. I am the adult. I can either deal with these feelings myself, or leave the situation. I should not be aiming to change the children, as they are their own person (and I am not their bio parent). Still, they are in my house, eating my food, and using my utilities. That makes me feel like I have a little excuse to vent as I please! Haha. If you read this far, you must be bored!
- bitterandbashful's blog
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Vent away!
I say vent away! I try not to spend too much time thinking about the specific things my skids do that I don't like because it eats away at you and you can't really change any of it. I have two of my own sons and I don't focus all the time on their shortcomings. However it takes 100 times more self discipline to train yourself out of this mode with skids.
I've been in skids life for 7 years and I can honestly say that no matter how much work I put in to teaching, helping and disciplining neither of them has changed fundamentally. So maybe try to let go of wishing they were tidy or less babyish and just swiftly correct the behavior you can't live with.
My sd(10) struggled with baby voice for about 2 years. Every time she spoke we said 'normal voice' and now it's gone!
Most importantly please don't start calling yourself 'the issue' at this early stage. You're a human, a stepmother, a partner with great qualities. Many of the stepmoms on here struggle with guilt and shame but it serves nobody. Nobody in your life is likely to give you much of a break (SO, skids, BM) so at least give yourself one!
this was really refreshing to
this was really refreshing to read, and I love your point about giving myself a break because Lord knows no one else will! Haha, that's something I will have to remember. Thank you.
If they're in your home, why
If they're in your home, why isn't their father paying their share of food, bills, and rent? What does the visitation order look like?
Sorry, I should elaborate! We
Sorry, I should elaborate! We half everything! All the bills, I mean. And we have them exactly half of the week! 3 1/2 days with us, and 3 1/2 with their bio mom!
You're only 23. You should be
You're only 23. You should be doing fun things and enjoying your freedom, not having to deal with someone else's kids! If you were my daughter, I would highly advise you to leave and find a childless man. There should be loads in your age group and even in their 30s. Why tie yourself to this mess for at least the next 12-15 years??
A-fricking-men! Seriously OP.
A-fricking-men! Seriously OP. You are so young. It would be one thing if this were a better situation, but you are starting to see that it isn't. I bet there's even more to the story, too. What's BM like? Do they have a smooth, regular custody schedule, or is it chaotic? Is there drama? Does your boyfriend listen to you when you bring up things the skids do that you can't deal with, or does he make excuses or get defensive? Plus the skids - you've already identified the older one as a "daddy's girl" who uses a baby voice to get her way with him. She's what, 10? Imagine dealing with this when she's 17. There are SM's on here dealing with this crap out of stepdaughters in their 50s. The SDs are in their 50s.
Hello, welcome and vent away!
Hello, welcome and vent away!
Presumably you haven't lived together very long and haven't dated very long. There are natural growing pains in those situations without children involved.
Give yourself time to adjust. Don't think that you're an issue. Reach out to a counsellor if you need someone to help you sort out your thoughts, and make sure you commuicate with your bf and are honest with him. What you're feeling is normal.
I'm going to say it, I abhor
I'm going to say it, I abhor men like your boyfriend, there are TONS out there, eventually, they knock you up and trap you into their mess. Why aren't they hanging at HIS place during visitation? Or did he conveniently move in with you, a VERY young woman, easier to manipulate and blind her to take on his incredible baggage in every way.
Get rid of him, you will hate your life, there are thousands of men out there with no kids or exe's in your age bracket that you can love just as much and be 100x times happier. You will regret it, most here do. These leaches always target younger women-they are easy to love bomb and put blinders on to what they should/should not accept because they are just now learning about life. He is using you for financial support, using YOUR place, your time, your mone, next you will be his maid/nanny/chauffer and bed warmer as you grow bitter and angry with yourself and life- then he'll claim how much he loves you and does for YOU and how you 'hate his kids' ....honey, this isn't the life or man for you. Dump him, grieve the relationship and refuse to date any guy with kids/ex.
At your age the world is your oyster, don't let this using bastard steal your life and joy and goals from underneath you, that's exactly what he's doing- he's older, wiser, why do you think he didn't find a woman his age or with kids herself? Seen it too many times. You mean nothing to him outside of how you can serve his needs- what DECENT man would want to saddle a bright, young 23 yrd old w/his bagagge if he really did care about you. Decent and good men would know better.
Edit to add-if you think you are bitter now, you have seen NOTHING yet. Whatever you do, use TRIPLE protection, do not let yourself become tied to this guy in any way.
How much time are you spending with the girls without their Dad
How much time are you spending with the girls without their Dad being around? It sounds like it is more than it should be. When they visit, your boyfriend should be home spending time with them.
The older girl does not need to show you affection if she doesn't feel it. She should treat you with respect, but beyond that she is entitled to her feelings. Is your boyfriend pushing you into a "mom" role with the girls? If so, please resist the urge to "mother" them. They have a Mom. Take on the role of "fun aunt" instead.
How long have you and your boyfriend been together? I take it he moved in with you? At age 35, he should be able to support himself and his girls on his own.
I agree with those above. You
I agree with those above. You are young and childless. Is this really a situation you want to be in at this point in your life?
That being said, you will have little to any influence over these girls and their behavior. Any changes will have to come from SO.. You can and should expect that they are respectful of you as an adult. But again they will not unless your SO is the one supporting you.
Your SKs are going to behave exactly the way Thier BPs are raising them to behave and that's something you have to accept if you plan on staying with SO.
I also like a cleanly house, my SO doesn't like to argue with his kids about such things. The compromise is he ends up being the one to clean up after them.
You need to take a step back
Think of this from the kids point of view. Their bio parent is a slob and doesn't make them clean up. This is great from their point of view as more time for them to do their own stuff. Then along comes dad's new GF who upsets their lifestyle with her new demands. (I'm sure your requirements are perfectly reasonable)
Think about this from a none step family point of view too. As a manager at work, I know one of the hardest things it get people to accept change and at work I'm dealing with grown @ss adults. Don't get me started on a simple desk reshuffle...
Then go back to thinking about it from a child's point of view. You are a new non parental adult in their house who is imposing all this change.
If you want change to happens you need to get your SO on board (and he needs to be 100% committed. again think about it from a work point of view, there is nothing worse than a half @rsed change project. It nearly guarantees that you won't get the next change implemented smoothly either cause the mindset is "if we don't make the change, the management will give up eventually"). The your SO needs to be the one to run the change project in the home. He's the person that the kids see as their authority figure. To switch analogies, you are just the substitute teacher, at best, so no one has to pay you any attention.