Unless YOU put your foot down and demand that he make changes due to his guilty dad syndrome NOTHING will change. BM & SD don't run and dictate your life or home. If your H lacks the b@lls to create boundaries and follow the court order than you have to do it. No SD doesn't get to go with you to see your family and you tell him why. No she cannot come over this weekend because its her mothers time. If he can't deal with it, tell him to go see a therapist and figure that sh!t out but you and yours will not be impacted by his lack of b@lls and parenting.

Own your life darlin'! If you wait for H to do it, you'll be in for a rude awakening and a miserable life.

Follow the CO, stop catering to the kid! If you have plans and suddenly skid won't be there, oh well too bad. You want to go see your family sans skid, go! Why is she dictating all your lives, you do know she's a kid right?

With ex were not active members of our household because they refuse to communicate or maintain a relationship with him that meant i and my kids or our household would not be revolving our lives around them. 

Thing is so many times they plan outings etc with us only for things to always change last minute every friggin time...

so if there is a long weekend or i plan a mini getaway with hubby and our toddlers for the weekend and ss21 decides the day before he will come home from university, thats fine but hubby tells him the next day we are away for a mini holiday. 

Ss21 had the nerve to demand hubby come home the 2nd day of our trip to drive him to university meaning hubby would be away for 3 hours. When hubby is hoping like most sexually active men that he’s gonna get lucky, being told by your adult son who has and is perfectly capable of arranging an uber but just doesn’t want to, that you need to drive 1 hours away to home to pick him up and another 1.5hrs to his university and another 40-50 mins to the hotel is a major sex demotivator. Hubby said no and ss actually thought he could negotiate (i mean bully and coax hubby) into agreeing to ss demands.

hubby said he had 2 options, either get an uber on sunday to university from home or he could come with us to the hotel for lunch and get an uber ride from there to university, ss had no choice but to agree to the latter.

since skids do not try to maintain an active line of communication to hubby while our 2 toddlers are very active with hubby, any plans we have or say if i have university exams that weekend sd’s try to suggest a meet, hubby says no that it’ll need to be another week as he’ll be busy with our toddlers. Since bio mum has banned them from coming to our home just because she controls them, they miss out on time with their dad but skids are incapable of growing up it seems from hubby. This means hubby won’t always throw everything aside to cowtow to their lazy manipulative arses.

me going to university benefits hubby financially in the future. Skids milk him like an atm and provide no financial benefits and will not care for him in old age like my kids would. So hubby knows the smart thing is to make sure he supports me finishing my degree and if it means for a few days of exam week or weekend he can’t do activities, no biggie he can plan another week with skids because they should make themselves available for him every once in a while.

these bio mums have managed to bully their way with thei exhusbands that they thrive on that power control

You need to put your foot down with DH, and get a little independence from him as well.  Your life doesn’t need to revolve around him.  Tell your DH that SD is no longer welcome around your family due to past behavior.  Tell DH until her behavior improves she is no longer welcome on outings.  Then leave SD at home with DH while you go out with your son.

The only way to change this is to follow the CO visitation. NO last minute changes to the CO.  You have to put your foot down on that.  Then you make your plans on weekend you do not have SD.  You have to tell your DH, your Family does not want un parented SD until she behaves like a person. 

Make plans for fun thing to do with DS on weekends with out SD.  Tell DH your SD not behaving is not going to make everything miserable with your DS.  That you are going to disengage from SD until she starts to behave like a normal kid. 

My weekend life has now been determined by SD and BM. I can’t plan much unless I make sure we don’t have her that weekend. I’m sorry but I didn’t marry SD and BM, I married DH but yet here we are, they determine what we do on weekends and where we can eat as SD is EXTREMELY picky about food. I can’t even plan a vacation a year out! It’s such a hassle!