Feel like our lives are ruled by SD and BM
Anyone else feel like this? I feel like we can never enjoy time as a family, because SD is here destroying what little family time we have, or DH is lamenting that his daughter isn't here, but at the same time preferring it. I'm sick of us never being able to do anything spontaneous or make plans (unless they're months in advance) because we always find out at the last minute whether brat SD is coming over or not. We've just got a text from BM after being told that the brat isn't coming this weekend, telling us to pick her up from school tomorrow. So that's another weekend ruined, and another awful day added on top. We can't even go to visit my family, who also can't stand her, without DH insisting she tag along. Last time she made my 4 year old niece cry, was nasty to my 1 year old nephew and smashed one of my son's toys (which was brand new and he hadn't even played with yet). It's like we have to plan everything around her, and have to constantly sacrifice everyone else's happiness for her sake. Why should my son's life be planned around her? Why should he have to lose out because she's being an insufferable little brat as usual? Even DH, although he feels guilty for it, prefers when she's not here. She's a copy of her mother, only even worse. We just can't stand the drama any more. I wish we could just move away.
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He needs to follow the court
He needs to follow the court order and tell them no if its not scheduled. It is the ONLY way to get your life back. He's afraid that BM will teach SD that Daddy has replaced her and doesn't care about her. The time spent with SD might be of higher quality if he didn't feel stuck with her because of BM's games.
This issue is really between you and DH and his inability to make them respect your marriage and boundaries. Its not to late to start this and it will save your sanity and marriage. Sit him down and give him your new boundaries.
Yes... this for sure.
Yes... this for sure.
Look, you can sympathize with him for the fact due to his split with her mother.. he doesn't have his daughter there all the time. But, it is unfair to the other people in your home.. children.. you that your schedules are constantly on the chopping block due to last minute changes from his EX. If he has a CO with set visitation, he needs to stick with THAT. If he doesn't have that.. he needs to get it set up ASAP. No, that doesn't mean that there will "never" be a time when he might agree to extra time... but it will only be when it won't interfere with existing plans for the family.
On another subject, he needs to do a better job of parenting his daughter because her behavior when she is with the other kids and your family has made it so that they are not thrilled when she does come. It is on HIM for not expecting a better standard... and his lack of parenting is causing his child to become unpopular with other people. Yes.. kids will be kids.. but kids can also learn to behave and develop manners. You are not blaming HER.. but his parenting is what needs to be stepped up. It's his responsibility to raise his child as one that people want to be around.
Unfortunately we don't have a
Unfortunately we don't have a court order. It was originally a written agreement between DH and BM so both could have flexibility when needed. But BM has just taken advantage the whole time. And now we have our own child, she's even more bitter and controlling, using SD as a weapon.
Unless you put your foot down
Unless YOU put your foot down and demand that he make changes due to his guilty dad syndrome NOTHING will change. BM & SD don't run and dictate your life or home. If your H lacks the b@lls to create boundaries and follow the court order than you have to do it. No SD doesn't get to go with you to see your family and you tell him why. No she cannot come over this weekend because its her mothers time. If he can't deal with it, tell him to go see a therapist and figure that sh!t out but you and yours will not be impacted by his lack of b@lls and parenting.
Own your life darlin'! If you wait for H to do it, you'll be in for a rude awakening and a miserable life.
Follow the CO, stop catering
Follow the CO, stop catering to the kid! If you have plans and suddenly skid won't be there, oh well too bad. You want to go see your family sans skid, go! Why is she dictating all your lives, you do know she's a kid right?
I told my husband last year that since his kids
With ex were not active members of our household because they refuse to communicate or maintain a relationship with him that meant i and my kids or our household would not be revolving our lives around them.
Thing is so many times they plan outings etc with us only for things to always change last minute every friggin time...
so if there is a long weekend or i plan a mini getaway with hubby and our toddlers for the weekend and ss21 decides the day before he will come home from university, thats fine but hubby tells him the next day we are away for a mini holiday.
Ss21 had the nerve to demand hubby come home the 2nd day of our trip to drive him to university meaning hubby would be away for 3 hours. When hubby is hoping like most sexually active men that he’s gonna get lucky, being told by your adult son who has and is perfectly capable of arranging an uber but just doesn’t want to, that you need to drive 1 hours away to home to pick him up and another 1.5hrs to his university and another 40-50 mins to the hotel is a major sex demotivator. Hubby said no and ss actually thought he could negotiate (i mean bully and coax hubby) into agreeing to ss demands.
hubby said he had 2 options, either get an uber on sunday to university from home or he could come with us to the hotel for lunch and get an uber ride from there to university, ss had no choice but to agree to the latter.
since skids do not try to maintain an active line of communication to hubby while our 2 toddlers are very active with hubby, any plans we have or say if i have university exams that weekend sd’s try to suggest a meet, hubby says no that it’ll need to be another week as he’ll be busy with our toddlers. Since bio mum has banned them from coming to our home just because she controls them, they miss out on time with their dad but skids are incapable of growing up it seems from hubby. This means hubby won’t always throw everything aside to cowtow to their lazy manipulative arses.
me going to university benefits hubby financially in the future. Skids milk him like an atm and provide no financial benefits and will not care for him in old age like my kids would. So hubby knows the smart thing is to make sure he supports me finishing my degree and if it means for a few days of exam week or weekend he can’t do activities, no biggie he can plan another week with skids because they should make themselves available for him every once in a while.
these bio mums have managed to bully their way with thei exhusbands that they thrive on that power control
You need to put your foot
You need to put your foot down with DH, and get a little independence from him as well. Your life doesn’t need to revolve around him. Tell your DH that SD is no longer welcome around your family due to past behavior. Tell DH until her behavior improves she is no longer welcome on outings. Then leave SD at home with DH while you go out with your son.
I agree
The only way to change this is to follow the CO visitation. NO last minute changes to the CO. You have to put your foot down on that. Then you make your plans on weekend you do not have SD. You have to tell your DH, your Family does not want un parented SD until she behaves like a person.
Make plans for fun thing to do with DS on weekends with out SD. Tell DH your SD not behaving is not going to make everything miserable with your DS. That you are going to disengage from SD until she starts to behave like a normal kid.
Oh I get it
My weekend life has now been determined by SD and BM. I can’t plan much unless I make sure we don’t have her that weekend. I’m sorry but I didn’t marry SD and BM, I married DH but yet here we are, they determine what we do on weekends and where we can eat as SD is EXTREMELY picky about food. I can’t even plan a vacation a year out! It’s such a hassle!
As the other posters have said
make plans and if SD is suddenly dumped on you without you being consulted, be sure to continue with plans with a friend.
Also appeal to his ego something like "I would like to have you all to myself. " Others have done a "no bedroom favours as long as skid is there", especially unscheduled.
Be prepared for SD to up the mini-wife routine should you make progress with DuH not caving.
Thanks everyone.
Thanks everyone. Unfortunately we don't have a CO. It was kept that way so we could all have flexibility, but BM has more than taken advantage of this, and has really upped her game now DH and I have our bio son. I wouldn't mind if SD was a vaguely pleasant child, but she's so awful I have to mentally prepare myself for her arrival, and even DH has to a little. This last minute shit just gets on my nerves. BM just thinks so much of herself that she thinks we have nothing better to do than be at her beckon call and be waiting around for her texts and calls. And now because I won't drag my baby in the car for 3 hours a day taking her to and from school, I'm being unreasonable, even though none of her partners have ever contributed to travel. I did school runs exclusively for 2.5 years. It's about time BM contributed to carting her brat around. Anyway I'm going on another rant, sorry *mail1*
Time to lawyer up and get a
Time to lawyer up and get a CO to beat BM with. Like an unruly puppy, a quick wack with the CO will keep a BM in line.
Until she understands that she doesn't control everyone, your life will suck. Until DH understands that you are done being BM's pawn, your life won't change. Make it clear.