Two years ago I went through a divorce which ended a very unhealthy relationship. I am very thankful that I didn't have children to tie me to him. Now, I am remarried to the man of my dreams. He is wonderful and everything I have hoped for! Of course things aren't absolutely perfect because that would be a fairytale. My new husband has two girls ages 9 and 13. He also has parents that live in the same town and help with the girls a lot. For example, his mom comes over every morning to take the girls to school since we both have to be at work so early. Even when the girls are with their BM, their BM drops them off at her house, and she takes them to school. So, there is a little back ground information to get by blog started.
While we were dating, we waited a couple of months before any introductions were made to his girls. We took our time and as it turned out they were very accepting to our relationship. Currently, we have been married a year. I would say that this first year transition as a SM has been a little difficult for me. I made a lot of changes to come into this family to make things as easy on the kids as possible. I moved into their home, changed religions, and put up with a bi-polar ex wife. The only difference for the girls is me being there and even that was done in baby steps. Now these changes that I made let me make clear that I wanted to do those things.
What about being a step mom is difficult for me? First of all, it's being expected to not discipline but redirect or correct behaviors but then having to take a "back seat" or feel left out by the kids. For example,when a stranger who is checking me out at store for something I have bought the girls responds with "here you go mom" and the older SD13 says, "thats my SM" not only once but twice is hurtful. Even though I do not want or expect my SD to call me mom it does hurt when one of them wants to make it very clear to a stranger that Im not mom instead of just going on with business. We did have a talk about that situation. I told her that it hurt my feelings because I felt put in the "back seat" and it really made me want to take back my money and not pay for them to do something fun since I am just SM.
The other struggle I have is regarding social situations and manners. Apparently their BM doesn't have any friends because she comes across as very cold which explains my SDs ackwardness in these situations. On the other hand, I have a lot of friends and am very out going. There have been a few times when we have been out and about with my SDs and we have came across a friend of mine. My oldest SD13 will get involved in our conversation and has even answered questions for me! I have an issue with kids getting involved in adult converstaions and giving their input. I've used these situations as teaching examples when we could sit down and talk about them. I never embarrass either one of them in front of people. However, when it continues to be a problem as a last resort I have told them that I may have to call them out on it in front of whomever. The manner part is an area that needs some work as well. My SK eat with their mouths open and smack, lick their plates off, and shovel food in their mouths like it's their last meal. I have to tell them how to sit like a lady when either one of them is wearing a dress. I really thought a 9 and 13 year old would know that sitting with legs up in a dress is inappropriate.
On top of all of this, so far this year we have been working with my SD9 with her conduct at school and her grades. She has been diagnosed with ADHD and is now taking the lowest dosage of meds which I hope will help her this next semester in school. I have been coming home and timing her on homework so she has some idea of time management. I even incorporated a behavior buck system with her so she can be rewarded by doing well in school. I also made a homework assignment sheet so she can help herself stay focused and organized with what assignments she needs to do for homework. These issues have been very stressful because she will lie and manipulate. Staying a step ahead of her is a lot of work,and I am praying we will succeed!
My husband and I work well together by backing each other's decisions and talking in private about issues. We never fight because we have an excellent relationship and can talk about things before they become a big issue. I do feel, however, that sometimes when I talk about things that bother me regarding my SDs, he gets a look of defeat on his face. It's almost as if his body language says, "here she goes again complaining about my kids". One of the things that bothered me about this Christmas, that I haven't discussed with him yet, was the girls disregard of me being involved with their christmas presents. They directed their thankfulness to their dad and not me. He did say once that I got that for them too. Also,before Christmas I made a point to take them aside and ask them what they would like to give him for Christmas. I had nothing under the tree from them. This is the reason why I haven't discussed it with him because I feel it may be juvenile. My SDs are just kids and may not have even thought about it. I know it wasn't on purpose. I do a lot to help them and sometimes I don't feel appreciated. I don't want to start feeling resentment. Sometimes I want to disengage to help me not feel frustrated. How do you deal with this SM position and not feel resentment, frustration, and unappreciated??? I think I am really going to enjoy this site even if it's just releasing my thoughts and feelings.