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In tears after CPS visit

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Fri, 02/04/2022 - 6:03pm

The case worker said she is happy that everything is ok and has a few things to check but will most likely be filing that the case is unfounded. 
 

I'm just exhausted and questing everything and upset that SD would do this. 

Comments

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Fri, 02/04/2022 - 6:28pm

I must have missed something, what happened, BethAnne?

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Fri, 02/04/2022 - 6:55pm

 No, I haven't posted in a while. 

SD spoke to someone at school and told them that they hadn't seen a medical professional in years and don't feel comfortable talking to me or their dad about it. They also claimed various other things of emotional abuse and intimidation from both of us that has gone on their whole life. I thought I heard the case worker say that she claimed physical abuse too, though my husband heard the opposite. 

None of it is true.

I could see sd saying that when we have argued with them about stupid teen stuff...homework, cleaning their room etc that it is emotional abuse. I have lost my temper occasionally and shouted at them, it is by no means a regular occurrence though and I talked to them about it after and apologized.  I know they don't want to be here. I know they don't like me. 

I'm surprised that they would say these things about their dad as well as me. I'm upset that they would say these things and put their younger brother (my son) in potential danger of being taken away when their other younger brother (by their mother) was taken into care. 

I know logically that this is a traumatized teen not thinking of anyone else but themselves. I know they often fail to have accurate memories and concepts of time. But it still hurts emotionally and I just want to tell them that this stuff is serious and can have real and serious consequences but they won't absorb any of that and I don't want them to feel like they can't talk to people about our home, I just wish they'd offer an accurate picture. 

LittleCloud9's picture

Submitted by LittleCloud9 on Fri, 02/04/2022 - 11:30pm

I went through ss making similar claims recently and I know it's traumatic. Fortunately we had documentation to backup our side of things. Just wanted to tell you that I believe you, I believe you are doing your best and that this kids issues are not your fault. Kids don't act like this because they had a conflict or two with you over chores or homework. This is from deeper issues that have nothing to do with you and everything to do with a bio parent who will likely never have to deal with the mess they made. That doesn't excuse your SD lying or doing this. Don't let the doubts and fear overwhelm you. You did not cause this situation. Make sure you protect yourself going forward and don't put yourself last trying to care for everyone else. I'm sorry you had to go through this, it really is awful and hurtful. Hugs - 

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Sat, 02/05/2022 - 11:04am

Thank you. It is kind of you to say these things. I really am questioning every time I made a parenting mistake. Sd is the first child I've parented and I know that I haven't always got it right. But I also know logically that a child who hadn't been through everything that she had would most probably brush those off and move on with life rather than grab hold of them and amplify them. 

Medical visits are easy to show documentation for. And sd's history of being in traumatic situations is partially documented. She also sees a therapist so if the cps worker talks to him he should be able confirm that history and he has told my husband that he is doing a good job at parenting when my husband was doubting if he was doing the right thing. 

We are not sure if she deliberately lied or if she exaggerated the truth (by habit or for attention) and was lead by some poor questioning. Some of the comments attributed to her did not sound like they would originate from her, such as her saying she doesn't know how to make an appointment or get hold of insurance details - she doesn't I'm sure, but that is because it wouldn't even occur to her to make her own appointment and she wouldn't even realize that she needed to have insurance details to do that.  She has a tendency to have an always or nothing way of communicating. So...my dad forgot to make an appointment for me becomes he never takes me to see anyone. I was shouted at last night for something becomes I am shouted at all the time. When asked about how long this has gone on she claimed she had been abused by both of us her whole life. 

I am not certain but we think that on further questioning from the cps worker sd either did not stick to her story or the cps worker was able to see through it easily for what it is. Before even speaking to us she said that she wasn't concerned and wanted to close the case quickly. 

LittleCloud9's picture

Submitted by LittleCloud9 on Fri, 02/04/2022 - 6:51pm

I couldn't find a post explaining what happened so... I'm going to guess SD lied about you abusing her and CPS came knocking... sadly an experience too many of us have had... That said I would be delighted to be wrong...

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Fri, 02/04/2022 - 6:55pm

Pretty much that. 

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Fri, 02/04/2022 - 7:04pm

I just needed somewhere to acknowledge that it happened. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. 

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Fri, 02/04/2022 - 8:15pm

I've read your posts and thoughtful replies to other people.  Actually, I always look for what you have to say.  You're an intelligent, caring person.  This is so unfair and I'm sure you are reeling.  I wouldn't even know how to respond.  Take care, thinking of you and hoping for the best.

caninelover's picture

Submitted by caninelover on Fri, 02/04/2022 - 11:36pm

Sorry this happening to you, BathAnne.  Stay strong and vent here - that's what we're here for.

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Sat, 02/05/2022 - 11:10am

Thank you. I don't post here much. I'm too paranoid most of the time and after being here so long can predict what responses I would get if I did post in most circumstances, which is helpful for me but doesn't have the release of venting or the support of others. Maybe I should try to post more updates. 

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Sat, 02/05/2022 - 11:08am

Thank you, I also like to see what you have to say and was glad when you responded to my post. It is good to have a place where I know people will get it and sympathize with me. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Fri, 02/04/2022 - 8:45pm

Damn. I'm sorry this is happening. So often stepparents deal with the after effects of dysfunction that they did not create and are not in a position to correct. 

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Sat, 02/05/2022 - 11:13am

Ugh...yeah it is a lot. My husband and I last night were speculating how much of it is gentically inherited from sd's mother and how much is from nurture.

My presence represents a lot of the things that sd sees as being wrong in her life so our relationship is just getting more and more distant and difficult as she ages. 

caninelover's picture

Submitted by caninelover on Fri, 02/04/2022 - 11:41pm

Always claimed...emotional abuse with BM Darth Vader.  Which I believe, as parental alienation (which is what it was) is abuse.  Bratty also claimed physical abuse but I doubt that.  Her stories were vague and when CPS came out (after a visit to the ER with no physical findings) they dismissed.  These messed up kids make up a lot.  A tenth is sorta true, based on their feelings.  Most of the rest is not.

So sorry you're on the receiving end of this.

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Sat, 02/05/2022 - 11:19am

Yes, my husband always says that BM remembers feelings associated with events and uses those to create her memories of the past. It seems that sd does the same. She lacks clear memories and nuance in those memories and her communication style. 

It is difficult to parse out what is malicious and what is poor memories and poor communication style plus being a dramatic teen with anxiety and depression who's life is The Worst. 

AgedOut's picture

Submitted by AgedOut on Sat, 02/05/2022 - 7:26am

I am so sorry you had to go through that. Sorrier still that it was caused by someone who should never have done this to you. I've always thought that when we reach a point where their disfunction is endangering our safe home, it's time for a serious talk w/ Dad about what can be done to protect your home from lies and false accusations. 

CajunMom's picture

Submitted by CajunMom on Sat, 02/05/2022 - 10:00am

When a SK, or really anyone, threatens the safety of your home, it is time to take action. My DHs youngest daughter accused me (and him) of emotional abuse. I have the email copy. I told DH to deliver this message: continue with your lies and I will hire an attorney and sue her. The message was delivered and she quickly shut her mouth. I haven't seen that witch in 7-8 years. You don't play around with this kind of behavior. You do realize if you have younger kids at home, they could have been removed based on her lies? That was the kicker for me. I have background clearance to work in our school system and do some volunteer work in sensitive areas....that witch's lies about me could have cost me dearly within my career.

Time to take serious action.

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Sat, 02/05/2022 - 11:36am

That seems to have been an effective threat for you. Unfortunately I'm not sure sd as a 13 year old has anything that I'd want to sue for or anything that she'd be afraid to loose! 

Sd knows very well that cps takes children into care. Her mother's youngest child was taken into care due to medical neglect. He is currently being fostered by a family member and 2 years later BM is still trying to get custody back according to sd. Sd was there the day that cps came to take her brother, her mother was in such a bad state that the police were called. Witnessing this is one of the more recent traumas that sd has been though. 

It is because of this that I am hesitant to confront sd with the reality that she put herself and her other brother (my son) at risk of going into care too. I don't want to retraumatize her or put extra burdens on her shoulders, but I do want her to realize that when she exaggerates and lies that there can be serious consequences. 

AgedOut's picture

Submitted by AgedOut on Sat, 02/05/2022 - 12:18pm

I think she knew what she was doing. But at 13 she can and should be spoken with and told that her lies and behaviors are not only wrong, they are not going to be tolerated. That protecting kids is what parents do and you will protect your home from her lies no matter what. 13 knows when they're lying, 13 knows not to, 13 is no excuse for putting your home in danger. 

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Sat, 02/05/2022 - 11:27am

Yes, we've had some conversations already and I've pointed out that I will move out if I need to to keep our kids out of care. He didn't like that idea one bit so hopefully we can work out what is going on here with sd and help to prevent this from happening again. 

I am not 100% convinced that sd was being malicious or trying to get us in trouble I think that she was venting at school and was exaggerating out of habit and being a dramatic self centered teen. I don't know if she realized that that conversation could result in cps involvement. Though I also can't be 100% certain that there was no malice or plans for deliberately trying to get us in trouble. 

I just wish she was a reasonable logical person that we could have a conversation with and find out what was going on. Dealing with the lack of ability to be reasonable and logical is alien to me. 

CajunMom's picture

Submitted by CajunMom on Sat, 02/05/2022 - 5:59pm

agree, she can't be sued and it would be ridiculous. (DHs daughter was in her mid 20's when she started her slander). BUT she needs some brutal truths brought up, whether that is from her dad or a professional counselor. As you said, her own BM is still fighting years later to get her kid out of the foster care system. Does she want that for herself? Or for your bio child(ren)? 

Your SD's lies are dangerous and they need to be addressed. Otherwise, she'll amp up the bad behaviors because....she had no consequences from the prior ones. You are a wonderful parent and your SD should be grateful for all what you've done for her. At her age, she can recognize this. A heart to heart talk between you two about what could have happened may be in order, also. Best to you.

 

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Sat, 02/05/2022 - 8:38pm

The "skids lied to authorities for attention or to please the HCGUBM" club.