Changes
Thought I'd post an update as things have changed here and although I don't post often I know a few of you know my situation.
BM and my husband agreed that sd10 would move back to living with BM for the next two school years and visit here over winter and summer vacations. (This is the opposite of what was happening for the last two years). Then after that sd would come and live here for 2 more years. They have paperwork written up which should ensure this happens.
Sd left a couple of weeks back for her mother's and will be back for winter break.
My husband thinks it will be good for sd who has said she missed her mother a lot and will give her time to bond with her baby brother.
It seems that BM has been able to hold down a job for a while now (unsurprisingly when she was cut off from money from my husband just over a year ago she found that she was capable of keeping a job to support herself). We think she has moved out of the room she was renting and seems to have moved into a different apartment sharing with someone who may or may not be her boyfriend. Sd keeps saying they are going to move into a house, and perhaps they will now as of course BM is now receiving cs once more.
BM seems to have had the same boyfriend for a little over a year now (not the baby's father I think) and my husband thinks they may get married soon as sd talked about getting a stepdad, though who knows if that is the implication.
Hopefully things will work out and sd will be ok, though personally this is not what I would have chosen to do but it does offer my husband and i time to focus on ourselves and build a better network of friends where we are.
Dealing with all of the changes and the lack of control and say I have over this has been tough and my husband and I have had a number of arguments as I have failed to contain my emotions and he seems to be suppressing his. I know I have no rights to make these decisions but that does not stop my emotions.
We are moving past this though and I am waiting to see if he holds up to his proclaimed wish to be more involved with sd while she is away than BM was when sd was with us. On the surface this should not be hard as BM only just about managed an hour phone call most weeks and the occasional letter/package around holidays, but I will not be holding my breath.
I find myself struggling to work out if I should be trying to stay in contact with sd while she is away and how much to do so if I do. BM and I have never had an easy relationship and I have stayed out of her way completely over the last few years. My instincts say to not get involved in my husband's calls with sd and to not send sd mail as that will just invite BM into my life again. But I will miss sd and do not want to cut off contact completely except when she is here. It is a tough line to walk.
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Comments
It's also her age, ofc...
It's also her age, ofc... she's a bit too young to have contact without involving her parents, you know? Like, you could send her a greeting card every few weeks - it's a nice gesture, keeps the lines of communication open, keeps the contact 'fresh' for when you're in-person again. Buuuuut, mail for kids usually goes through the parents, you know? Maybe BM would intercept, and/or take umbrage.
OTOH, it won't cost much and BM will inform you pdq if she's got a problem with that approach!
You are probably right.
You are probably right. Sending a couple of notes a month and seeing how it goes is probably the right way to go. I am just wary of doing too much and provoking BM to continue with her angst against me and complaints that I am trying to be SD's mother. I just have to find ways to keep anything I send innocuous and to not give any details of my life away as BM will be seeing what I send. It is tough as if it were my kid I would be sending weekly update letters as well as phone calls but I doubt my husband will do that much and I don't want to do more than him.
Why not start out with what
Why not start out with what you think is good for you? You can adjust as you go along. Don't do anything out of obligation. Greeting cards are great for keeping in touch without getting more personal than you're willing to get. You can add a separate note when you feel like it. And, for what it's worth, your relationship with SD is yours. Being an SM is ill-defined at the best of times, but the definition I like best is friendly aunt. No need to follow anyone's lead, and although it is thoughtful to be aware of the feelings of others, I'd wait for complaints before accomodating their wishes.