New here...and glad I found it!
Hi everyone! WOW..I have been reading your post for a few hours(yes, hours) and I am soooo happy I am not alone. I thought I was the only one who felt this way, and I thought I was a horrible person for feeling it too. I have been married to my DH for 9 years, and raising his son(now 13) since he was 4. We have a son together(8 now). And the BM is not in the picture, she hasn't been in it since SS was 5. I have been raising him, and it's been an uphill climb out of hell..and I don't think I am getting near the top. I hate to say it, but really don't like him. I mean, it wasn't like this at first. He was a sweet little boy, very polite. Once we got married, which that day was picture perfect anyway with a child running around screaming and yelling"she marring me too"..yeah yeah...it was cute the first time. Not for 25 minutes. Anyway..once we were married things changed. He turned into a very nasty little kid. I overlooked it, thinking he needs to adjust to something new. I started to notice how sweet he was when his dad was home, and just mean to me when I had him...all day. We got pregnant, and he said he was very happy to be a big brother. I thought..awesome. Then the devil came out...a little red-headed devil. He would just say the meanest things to me, never listened to anything I said. I was like, screw it..I'll keep safe, make sure he doesn't hurt himself and let him do what he wants. I am having a baby, I need to take care of me. After our little guy came, he was born with a birth defect, we had a lot to deal with. Now, both of our families have been awesome, taking SS and keeping him while we had many many dr appointments. But once we were home, we started hearing all the crap he had done. MY DH blew it off, completely. Then it was time for SS to start school. OMG..every day his teacher came out to tell me what he had done. Went in the little bathroom and peed ALL OVER THE PLACE. Slapping kids, yelling, screaming, throwing crap, etc. To make this shorter,it took 3 years of trying to get help and later find out he has anxiety. So now, for the past 5 years he's been rude to me, acts like I'm not even here, stays in his room until his Dad gets up and then follows him around. He makes no attempt to go outside, unless I MAKE him.Anything I say, he has to have the last word. Lies about everything, tells me one thing then tells his Dad something else. And my DH doesn't think there's a problem "he's just a boy, it's a stage". People...this isn't a stage. Even my mom said she sees him look at me, and then will do something to see if I react. EX...at the dinner table, he will look at me and start tapping his fork, or dance in his chair..to see if I will ask him to stop. I have since stopped trying to teach him manners..I don't care if he eats like a pig or not. It use to bother me because I always think people will say "OMG, look at him, his mother must be something else to let him behave like that". I just don't care anymore. It seems like the more I tried to teach him manners or right from wrong, the more he defied me. Sorry for such a long rant, but I haven't had anyone to talk to. My Mother tells me to leave...but I love my DH, not my SS. I keep telling myself, 5 more years..he'll be 18 and he'll move out. Let's hope.
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Sounds like he has been
Sounds like he has been acting out since mom left the picture and he has been driving you away ever since that day...My skids behave better better when my dh is not around because from day one it had to be that way...now my ss12 lives with us and when there is a real problem he knows he can trust me... Sounds like your ss needs to know that you understand that he got a raw deal... When the baby was born he could not have anticipated that you all would have to give him special attention due to the Dr's appts and such and felt a little left out again... It may be to late but you should put your foot down and if your husband does not like it to bad! These are kids we are talking about here... Just my opinion...
You'll be lucky that kid
You'll be lucky that kid doesn't kill someone or the family pet.
He's definately in severe need of mental health. I'm surprised the teachers haven't had him evaluated.
It's obvious no one thinks the boys behavior is typical or acceptable.
When there are other adults that let you know what he's done, apologize for his wicked behavior. Then, tell them you don't know why he acts like he does because he wasn't raised to be a liar or be disruptive. Let them know you and his father are embarrassed by the boy's behavior and manners.
Say that in a very sincere and calm matter of fact tone. Say as much as you need. Let him hear that and see how he likes it.
Don't worry that the kid or father hears what you say.. They need to know his behavior (and dad's denial) make him not liked or accepted.
Watch your back and definately watch out for you son.
OH that was something I had a
OH that was something I had a fight about with DH. We bought him a hamster for his 8th b-day and had it put in his room, so he could learn to take care of it. One day, the neighbor boy came running down the steps and I said "Hey, what's up? Where ya going so fast?". He said " Uh..J's hamster is dead.". I said "What do you mean? Were you guys playing with him?". Neighbor boy says " Uh..yeah.". I went up stairs and my SS says "Oh look, Jake choked on his food and died.". I looked at the neighbor boy and back at my SS and knew something else had happened. I said "Tell me how you know Jake choked on food." SS said "He just did, I saw it happen.". Then the neighbor boy said "We had Jake out and was playing with him on the floor. J picked him up and Jake bit him. So J banged his head off the desk. Sorry..I gotta go home now!". And he ran out of the house.
I was sick! DH was mad, and told SS that he wasn't aloud to have any more pets. I told DH the SS needs help. DH said he didn't think it was that big of a deal, that he just reacted to being bit. When we had the dog, he did nothing but tease him. The dog finally bit him once. The dog was sleeping, and SS threw a toy at him...which he had been doing for a lot I later found out. Well, dog woke up and jumped at SS and bit his leg. Dog was a beagle.At the time, SS told me he didn't do anything, that he was watching tv when dog bit him. I found out later about the toy teasing when he was out playing with the neighbor kids and bragged to them how he picks on the dog and it's "hilarious". My neighbor was listening to the kids and she heard him say "My mom thinks the dog just did it for no reason, but I always throw stuff at him...it's funny." When he came home, I asked him what he had said to the kids. He said "I never said that." So I told him the mom had heard him, and he said "She's lying.". So..I grabbed him by the hand and walked him across the street and said "Now, you tell her what you just told me." He started crying and saying no. She said "What's wrong, what do you want to tell me honey. Is it about your dog?". He said " I never said the stuff you said I said." She said "Oh honey, why would I make that up? I heard what you said and I wanted your Mom to know that it wasn't the dog's fault..that you were teasing the dog. You shouldn't do that.". He said through tears" But I never said that...you made it up.". Ughhhh!
Well..we have gotten him some help. But DH wanted to stop taking him because he feels bad about leaving his son with his drug addicted/ whore of a mother while he had to work. And he doesn't want to talk about that part of his life. They never married, and she up and left when SS was 3. Then DH had a crazy ass gf for about a year before he met me. He had been friends with this bitch, and they started dating. She had done some real damage to SS that we found out through the family meetingqs. Locking him in his closet, duct tapping him to chairs while she left. I mean the kid had a shitty start...but I have been taking care of him since. And pushing to get him the help he needed. I mean..it's been a fight w/ DH and the school. I need to ball up and tell DH that if we don't start theropy with him...I can't stay here any more. My mom tells me that she worries he's going to stab me while I sleep. Thank God I have insomnia! But DH doesn't believe he would hurt me or his little brother. I don't know what to do here, I don't want to end the marriage I have with DH...I love him. This really sucks.
We have found that
We have found that counselling for SS10 has helped him with some behavior issues and helped us deal with them. Sweet boy, but definitely emotional issues and abandonment issues. The apoligizing route is definitely the way to go. That says "I'm not ok with this behavior and I'm disappointed in you" not "I don't love you and your behavior is making my life hell." At least you don't have BM breathing down your neck saying stuff like "you can't talk to my child about his behavior, that's my job" or "It's none of your business how he acts! Let his father deal with it." or "what's it to you how we parent him?"
Yeah, I am thank-full BM is
Yeah, I am thank-full BM is not in the picture. He last saw her at age 5. She moved across the country, and would call him at Christmas. Which always upset him. Telling him how much she missed him, wanted to see him. How she loved him and she knew she messed up and some day they would be together. And he would just cry his heart out when they hung up. I finally stopped answering the phone when she called. Love Caller ID..lol. But we haven't heard from her since he was around 8. Her mother..SS grandmother, use to come and see him. Which I had no problem with, it wasn't her fault her daughter was a drug addict/dealer. I mean the woman was in jail a few times. But 2 Christmases ago, she came to see SS and brought pictures of his BM...with her NEW family. We had no idea, she had 3 more kids and a SD. Then she left him a picture of his half-sisters and said "Some day we'll all be together.". He cried, and asked a lot of questions. I eventually threw that picture away. And told DH that the grandmother was no longer aloud in our house. And he said he didn't have a problem with that. I told him if she wants to see SS, they can meet and have lunch somewhere. But, we haven't heard from either since that day.
Hi, Your situation sounds a
Hi,
Your situation sounds a lot like mine. My SD (now 17) and I are not even on speaking terms these days. When she first moved in with us 4 years ago, I tried everything and bent over backwards to make her happy. We started out close, but over time she started to take out her anger towards her mother at me. (We figured this out with counseling). We determined that she was really mad at her abusive mother, but didn't know it. Since she couldn't have closure with her, she took her feelings out on me, and that is an awful place to be in.
I wish I had an easy answer, but I don't. My marriage is strained, we are going to counseling (trying a new counselor AGAIN), and I finally gave the ultimatum that when she hits 18 next year she moves out to college or I do. Because you have such a young one, you are in a tough spot and I have no idea what to tell you other than to get your SS some therapy asap. I think there are some issues there that must be worked out for your safety as well as his.
Good luck, I hope things go better for you asap. I do feel your pain (I'm right there next to you!)
I want to thank you for
I want to thank you for reading my post and commenting. Knowing I am not alone, and not the only Step parent out there that feels this way is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Thanks!