I'm right there with you on this, Mermaid. My SD and I have a fairly good relationship, her BM is a total failure as a parent, but any time BM decides to show SD an ounce of attention of ANY kind, SD drops everything for her and acts like she is the best mommy on the planet. PUH-LEEZE! I'm the same way, I do EVERYTHING for this girl. She lives with BD and myself full-time, BD is gone a lot for work, so it is up to me to keep a schedule, take her to appointments, discipline, etc. I'm sure I am a the wicked stepmother a lot of the time, but we do have a pretty good bond. She is insanely jealous when it comes to my relationship with my BKs because she has never had that with her own BM. When she has been with BM everything revolved around SD and what she wanted. When she comes back here it's not like that anymore. We don't cater to her every beck and call. I don't have time for that. It sucks that we have to keep taking second place to these good for nothing loser BMs, but there is nothing we can do to change the situation. As SBS said above...look at it as your job. Do your job to the best of your ability. You don't always have to get along with your coworkers, but you do have to get the job done according to the standards that have been set. I usually throw myself into autopilot with SD and just get through all the stuff I have to do for her when she is busy putting mommy dearest on a pedastal. I think if you can vent on here and figure out how to just treat your SM position as a job you'll feel a lot better. It certainly has helped me lately. Best wishes and hang in there. You are a great mother to this girl and some day she will appreciate it...at least that is our hope, right?

I think our skids 'know' who do things with them. I feel sometimes that they 'imagine' that they are in normal families, and fantasize that it was the other parent who taught them how to ride a bike, who taught them how to put lipstick on, etc etc. Really, I guess in the eyes of the skid we are not their parent... so it's like saying "Not my mom, and Not my dad helped me out here, someone else...so maybe my parents don't care about me"..and that is where the fantasizing begins. Hopefully that makes some sense.

My ss 8 does this all the time to me as well.. I've decided I don't care. I know he knows that I know I enrolled him in all of his activities, I am the one that gets his hair cut, I am the one that stayed home with him while he was sick after surgery, I'm the one that helped teach him to ride his bike (finally)... and I get no credit.. It used to really bother me, but then I thought about it...and I thought...shit if I was this kid I'd be so sad that my 'real' parents didn't have the time or energy to spend on me...

Anyways... just my 2 cents.

I go through the same things with my SD's 6 and 10 except that their mother is very much in the picture. The kids tend to ignore me at functions that BM attends and wont speak to me in her presence. I get a lot of grief from the kids like, "My mom doesnt do it that way" or "that would make my mom mad". They also lash out at me when I ask them things that they think pertain to their time with their mother...even when it doesnt. Im not sure where the girls have picked up on this as I have done everthing I can to ensure that the kids dont think I want to replace their mother or that I dislike her.

I guess I can say that you are lucky that she only comes around every so often and that 12 is a very tough age for a girl. I dont support the way she treats you when BM is around but I do hope that you can see it for what its worth. When I go through these things with my SD's I just try to hold out hope that they will grow up knowing that I have done everything I can for them. Good luck!