First diciplinary act that I will take on
My fsd13 loves Facebook, but she's just gotten herself in a lot of trouble.
First, let me say that she is a really good kid. Even at 13, we don't have many attitude problems and her and I get along really well. Since my fdh and BM split, she and her brother, 9y/o, have lived with BM. The things that I have found out she has been exposed to through BM's antics is upsetting. At 13 she should not know nearly as much as she does about life, and has a maturity level of more of a 17 year old. BM has not sheltered her at all from anything and has leaned on her for emotional support through her struggles as well as leans on her to take care of fss9. That being said, she has to be reminded every so often that she is only 13 and has restrictions to what she should say, watch and do.
When fsd13 is at our house, I don't see my laptop unless she brings it into the living room to goof off on. This is fine with me because I have a work laptop and an Ipad, so I don't use my laptop often. Fdh and I both work from 7:30 - 5:30, so if it entertains her, fine. Fss9 has taken over fdh's laptop playing games also.
We had an issue with her at Christmas time where I found that she had "liked" an alcohol page and a page called "condoms" on Facebook. I talked to her about it then, so did fdh, about those not being age appropriate, but also, everything she posts is seen not only by her friends, but her friends parents. What she posts is a direct reflection on her and parents will not want a bad influence on their children, and that is what they would think by seeing that. We had her remove those from her page. She did without a fight and said she understood.
Now, her thing has been to post funny pictures and sayings on her Facebook. Yesterday, she went on a picture posting kick where she posted over 40 pictures between 2pm and 5pm. Around 4:30, I got a text from my sister telling me that fsd13 posted a picture with the "f" word in it. When I got home, I checked facebook and saw the picture. While fdh was in her room talking to her, I made my move to tell her in front of him that posting pictures with the "f" word in it is not acceptable for a 13 year old. Many parents check their kid's facebook and a parent would not be happy seeing a friend of their child's posting that type material. My little brothers, 12 and 9, are friends with her and my step-mom would not be happy if she saw something like that. Fdh backed me up telling her that all of the technology that we provide to her, my laptop and the brand new IPhone 4 she got last week, can and will be taken away. She is not to use that type of language or post things of that sort. She said "ok" and that was it.
This morning, I get up and I check facebook, it is part of my morning routine. I see that she posted another 30 pictures during the night after fdh and I had gone to bed. Looking though the pictures, there is another with the "f" word in it. :jawdrop: It took everything in my power to not wake her up right then, but I decided it would be better for me to go the day, see what else she posts and handle it when I get home. At lunch, I get an email from my step-mom to call her. CRAP!!! You guessed it, she was calling me to inform me what fsd had posted the night before and tell me that she removed her from my brother's friends. Just wonderful. I am just this is now added to my step-mom's list of negatives when it comes to my fdh.
I am so frustrated that she posted another inappropriate picture just 3 hours after I told her no to. So far, she has not posted anything on facebook today. I am pretty sure it is because she is not awake yet though.
So, I want to handle this right and not be irrational like my step-mom was with me when I was 13. My plan is to inform my fdh what happened first, he refuses to take part into facebook so if I don't tell him, he will never know, and tell him that I am restricting her from my laptop (if he wants to restrict her from her Iphone, that is up to him because he purchased it).
I will call fsd into the living room, neutral territory, and will ask her what I requested her not to do anymore yesterday. Once she provides the answer, I will ask her to retrieve my laptop from her room. When she hands it over, I will calmly and quickly tell her that it is a privilege to have access to the laptop and if she is not willing to respect me and my request, she will lose that privilege. We go on vacation Friday, usually I will take it with us, but it will stay at the house. Once we are back, will discuss when she will have access to it again.
I want to take control of this situation because I was the one that told her not to post that type of stuff in the first place. Also, if fdh does not like how she went against what I told her, which I am expecting he won't since he backed me up yesterday, he will be very loud and I don't want her to be yelled at. She has learned to not let yelling effect her, so it won't do any good. When fdh has gotten onto her and been loud or have yelled, I watch her put a shield up and nothing he says after that point can penetrate it. I think that being calm and collected about this will effect her more. She won't automatically put up the shield and me being quick and to the point, it should make her think of what's she's done wrong. At least that is what I hope.
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I have a 13 year old SS, and
I have a 13 year old SS, and we went through a similar ordeal with him. We grounded him from fb.... That got the message across.
Poor impulse control. All
Poor impulse control. All teens have it. I would also have problems with her FBking after hours (so to speak).
Just tell her she is banned from her phone and computer use for 7 days due to her disregarding her promise. Agree that sometimes we see funny stuff and we should think 2x about posting it on FBk. Also check her settings to make sure she is locked down so only her 'friends' can see her posts. And check her friends list to see if she actually 'knows' them all and not picked up some random friend of a friend who lives a few states away and she has never met him or her.
I like the idea of taking her
I like the idea of taking her picture holding the sign & making her post it!!!
My SD always uses FB to air her dirty laundry...inappropriate. AND she often will post things she thinks are funny, but are not funny in reality. For example, when the tsunami in Japan happened last year, she posted, "Sorry Japan....that was just me farting."
Oh.Emm.Gee. Really? You are 13yo and you are that stupid????
And, like your situation, my DH doesn't have a FB account, so he wouldn't know this stuff if I didn't tell him. So, I thought about it for a while and decided that perhaps in addition to just being completely self-absorbed, she might not even realize how serious Japan's situation was.
When she got home from school that day, I sat down with her & the laptop and told her I wanted to show her something. I then showed her a slide show of images from Japan...the devastation & destruction...people searching for loved ones, etc., and ended by showing her a short video of a couple who were searching for their family members, weeping all the while that they walked among the rubble.
I watched her the entire time she was looking at all these images, and her face began to change and she looked very emotional. When she was finished watching it all, I calmly asked her if in light of what she'd just seen, maybe she might want to go on FB and delete her thoughtless post.
I never said another word to her about it, but she deleted the post immediately.
Of course, she's still a PITA and says/does heinous things. But, I was pleased that I was able to get through her thick skull on that one.
See, why do the kids think
See, why do the kids think this is funny? I would NEVER had said anything like that or even have thought about it. I can still remember seeing that photo of the naked girl in Vietnam running down the road and crying. I was only in elementary school. Is it because kids are desensitised with all the crap they see?
Well my plan was shot to
Well my plan was shot to hell! When I came home, told Fdh about the post, showed him and said I wanted to handle it. He told me there was nothing to handle. He was mislead yesterday by me about this. He thought she was typing that language out, but if she's just posting pictures, it's no big deal. WHAT???? What is the difference between her typing it and her reposting something with bad language in it. Either way, I told her not to post things like that and she went against me. His response, she probably didn't realize or had a blond moment. Are you kidding me??? She added her own commentary to the picture, she read it. And blond moment??? She is extremely smart and sharp, no, sorry, don't think so.
This 'discussion' went on about 10 minutes. I was overreacting, reposting the pictures are fine. So I then said if she heard a really funny joke that had the f word in it, when she retold it to him, would she repeat the f word or say 'the f word' or change it? His response, she would probably change it. By his standards, it's ok to not change it and retell it as it is as she pleases. At this point, I think it dawned on him and he said for me to handle it as I pleased, but he still thinks that she did not do it intentionally, to find out why she posted it. That how I handle this will be a testament for me, which pissed me off a little. The way I handle a 13 year old is different than how I handle him, a 39 year old man. I have no issued at all raising my voice at him when he's acting out or like a child, but I won't do that to a kid that is learning boundaries.
When she came in from outside, I was sitting at the table working and she asked me what doing. Told her working, but I had something I wanted to talk to her about and to sit down. Said 'remember what I asked you not to post on Facebook?' she nodded. Then I pulled up the page on my iPad and said 'then why did you post another last night around 11pm?' Her response was what I figured, she got up from the table and walked a feet away, saying that she did not see that, she could not read all of the pictures on some. I pointed out she commented extra about it, no response. I told her that she does not need to do it again. I had my step mom call upset of what she saw and she removed my brothers from her as a friend. She just looked at me. Then I asked her the same thing I asked her dad about the joke. She told me she would change the word. I explained when she posts something like that, she is repeating it for everyone to see. Anyone who reads it will take it as her talking, not just something funny. She told me ok.
After that I figured she'd leave the room and avoid me the rest of the night because I got onto her about this again.. Just the opposite happened. She sat back at the table and talked to me while she ate her dinner of pizza rolls and kept talking another 45 minutes after she finished until I finally put my computer away. She found a story that she had written in school last year and brought it to me to read. Up until I decided to come into my room for bed, she stayed out talking with me. I was really surprised by that. When I got in trouble when I was her age, I would avoid my parents at all cost. I also would usually have my butt handed to me in a 20 minute verbal lashing.
So, I don't know how to take this. I am glad that she did not push me away. It's weird that she demanded more of my attention after that, most days she chills in her room, listening to music and texting friends. I'm just lost on the situation.
We'll see if she posts something inappropriate again or not. I hope she does not.