Facing Spoiled Rotten Adult Skids
I finally faced my fears ( and my disgust of confrontations). SD25 dropped off grand-daughter early yesterday before she went to work- and I avoided her until she left 2 hours later. I stayed in my room and did some much needed cleaning and organizing. I finally went downstairs and grand-daughter (who Loves me) wouldn't let me out of her sight all night.She would scream and cry if I went into another room- and just clung to me the whole time. SD25 came to pick her up around 8pm and I was sitting in the living room with grand-dtr. She had to fake smile at me- and barely said Hi. But I felt good that I faced her and my own fears. (I was in an abusive relationship with my ex-husband for 20 years- so i learned how to "shut down" and clam up rather than face issues. Even at 38 years old, I need to learn to overcome these issues.) I decided that SD25 has to see that I am NOT going to just disappear because she's declared 'war' against me.
Over the weekend, my BF stopped down her place a few times and she "asked how I was doing" which is ironic since she's deleted me off FB and has been bashing me to him for 2 weeks. I'm not sure if she was waiting for him to say something about the FB thing and maybe how I was Reacting. But I didn't give her a reaction. And my BF told her "She's fine" and didn't add anything else or ask her why she's acting this way towards me. I could care less about the FB thing- that's just her way of showing crazy BM that she's "against" me and probably going along with BM who hates me. Maybe she feels guilty for acting the way she's been acting- Maybe she is realizing that she needs to act like a grown-up and stop letting her moms feelings dictate her relationship with me and her dad. Maybe? but highly unlikely. SD25 is always trying to do her mom's dirty work.
In August- SD25 had a Birthday Party for grand-dter. Although I was officially invited- there was some unspoken expectation that I didn't show up since BM/gm was going to be there. I debated whether to go or not right up until the day of the party. It was supposed to be at a park/playground but a horrible thunderstorm rolled in and at the last minute- they had to move it to SD25's grand-parents hotel party room. I figured with all this commotion everyone would be mad and in a bad mood. My BF insisted that I go. This would be the First time in almost 3 years that I had to be in the same room with the EX. A few vodka/mt. dews- and I was relaxed and felt things went fine. the EX even stood next to me and we exchanged "words" (albeit nothing important). For a moment, I thought we had a truce. I thought- she finally had to see me and my BF together- as a couple and she would have to accept it.
Shortly after the party, the BBGF bashing began all over again. Mainly because I was having issues with SD23 who was living with us. My battle with SD23 was relayed to BM every time something happened- and so BM was able to tell SD23 what to do/say/ how to act. It's like she enjoys creating drama through her kids. And she has ALWAYS had other people fight her battles for her. She prefers to use her kids against me since she will never confront me herself. When they were married, the EX never confronted people she was mad at- she had my BF do it for her. (which always made him get in the middle of things that had nothing to do with him).
So, today I am learning how to face people and their evilness instead of running and hiding (literally). I am learning to become a stronger person in the face of conflict. I have to walk out of my "comfort zone" and learn to face these SKIDS instead hiding like a scared 12 year old. I have to LEARN to put on that fake smile and Kill them with my kindness. I need to let them see that I love their father dearly- and we are together with or without their approval. I am not going to let their juvenile games comes between me and my soulmate!! I cannot allow them to ruin my holidays- In fact- if they choose NOT to come around- That will make it even better. I will learn to walk away from my GUILT and realize THEY are choosing to be this way, NOT ME.
BBGF
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Awww, No way. Not at all. I
Awww, No way. Not at all. I think you misunderstood the situation. He actually answered his daughter in a very vague manner. He could have engaged in a conversation about the whole FB issue- and he could have told her that I was really upset and hurt/ since I didn't do anything to her for her to be hating on me right now. So he actually did the right thing. He did not give her the satisfaction of hearing that i was mad/upset about her deleting me off FB. He didn't give her Anything- except to say that I was doing just fine. She WANTED to hear that I was pissed off- or that I was losing sleep over her dumb games. As far as the EX- she was just like her kids- and instead of confronting her friends about an issue- if she was mad. She made him confront them- even if it was just to tell them lies- like OH "my wife is too busy to come out to play" or whatever- he always had to cover for her. So he is FAR from being a "creep". He just cares too much- and with her- he had to keep the peace with everyone- even when she was being ridiculous. And with me, he knows it's better NOT to stir the pot by engaging in any more drama-producing conversations. So He did the right thing.
Sorry if you didn't understand the situation :?
BBGF
goforit, The most important
goforit,
The most important thing about facing SD25- I did it FOR ME, to prove to Myself that I could do it. And now it will hopefully get easier. I am also tired of "bending like a pretzel" lol. I feel like I have been bending and bending for over 4 years. I am done bending. I am ready to stand strong- and show his kids that despite all their protests and (their BM's disapproval), I am NOT going anywhere. So they need to either accept it- or move on. It's their choice. They are GROWN adults for goodness sake.
It takes time stepping out of your comfort zone- especially when you've spent your whole life just trying to make EVERYONE ELSE happy- at your own happiness' expense and when you've spent your whole life just trying to "keep the peace". I need to step up and say- those days Are OVER. People only have power over you- if you Give it to them. I gotta keep reminding myself about that.
BBGF
"Passive aggressive, snarling
"Passive aggressive, snarling people like to go under the radar, so that you get their message without them having to risk an all out confrontation." LOVE THIS! <3 It's sooo true!!
I think you are right about Fake smiles- It is fake. And I guess I am still trying to figure out the Right Way to react. When his SD23 lived with us- we went MONTHS without talking to each other. She would stomp out of the kitchen when I walked in. She would turn the TV up if I was putting away dishes. It became so tense in the house because No one was talking. And even though I realized it was stupid- I stood my ground. But it created so much hostility between us- since neither one of us would budge and say "hi" or How are you. So, I guess I have to learn when and where and how. I guess I am afraid if I piss SD25 off too much- she will retaliate and stop letting the grand-daughter come over. And I don't want to ruin my Bf's relationship with his Grand-daughter.
However, I completely agree with you- why should I reward her bad behavior? She is a very "reactive" person normally- very Borderline personality- so how do I react to her when she's here- especially if she keeps this lil 'war' going?( I don't even know what she's mad about- since she's never confronted me to my face). It's sort of this silent war-one I'm supposed to just figure out. But she still expects ME to be nice? and she expects to come over and use our internet and our printer/ink/paper whenever she feels like it? And she uses our $60/month sprint wifi when her dad isn't using it,even tho I pay half for it and don't ever use it. It's like how can I make a point to her- about her taking advantage of US- yet she's allowed to treat us with disrespect?? It's just so exhausting trying to figure it out.
"Meet her where she wants to be in your relationship"<- I think I will take your advice!! Thank you sooo much !!
BBGF
ybarra357, I can see your
ybarra357,
I can see your point. And I can honestly say- this has pissed me off in the past. His desire to "keep the peace" does require him NOT to confront his kids or the EX. And this has been an issue. Although, in this most recent scenario- I am glad he didn't say anything to her. I didn't Want her to get any satisfaction of knowing what I was thinking.
In the past, I have felt angered that He doesn't do or say more to defend me and US when the kids or the EX are bashing me. I have always felt that I am somehow the "name" that should not be named in the presence of his EX and kids. So....I do understand what you are saying. I want him to stand up to ALL of them and Declare his love for me- and how he really feels instead of letting their childish antics get the best of him.
Why can't men do this? It is truly frustrating. The problem is- when I do stand up for myself- He will not like it- and I've told him that many times.
BBGF
goforit, The way I see it, I
goforit,
The way I see it, I have waited long enough for him to "stand up" for me- and US. The first 6 months- year, it was all too new- and he was still in the middle of his divorce- so I didn't expect much. His kids were a mess- and hadn't completely adjusted to their parents sudden separation- and then involvement with other people. He was still very hurt and healing over his wife leaving him.
The 2nd year- I had so much going on in my own life ( daughter graduated- my dad had a stroke- and another daughter was in/out of eating disorder clinics) so I didn't really care what was going on with his kids/ EX nor did I care what they felt about me. By 2009- we had been together for over 2 years- and we were living together for almost a year. Now I started to feel more irritated when he didn't stand up to his EX- or his kids. By this time- I felt he had made his decision so why was he still worried about hurting everyone's feelings??
That summer- the ex put an all-out pursuit to win him back ( just before she signed the divorce papers). And because my BF didn't go along with her plan, she made sure the girls got some sick twisted version of how it was MY fault that her and daddy couldn't get back together. Just when his kids were accepting me- and their parents situation- POW- I got thrown under the bus, Again. For 3 months, his kids refused to have anything to do with me. I also felt betrayed, because my BF wasn't 100% upfront with me about the seriousness of the Ex's pursuit- and the Lunch dates- meetings- dinners with the kids at her place (in DC)- some of which I never knew about. ( He worked in DC at the time- so it was Convenient for her to say...hey, stop over for lunch/dinner). I did purposely call him once- when he was at her place, "having a family dinner with her and the kids"- but I'm sure he didn't tell her it was me. These moments infuriated me- even though I believed it was all innocent.
By 2010, The EX was silent- we didn't hear much from her- but a new situation arose- since they were expecting their first grand-baby. I feared this would dredge up the old feelings- "aww, we're grand-parents- our baby had a baby--wah wah wah". His ex was super emotional as predicted. I'm sure seeing their oldest daughter become a mother was emotional- but It may have also brought the family "together"....like....awww...we should be a "family" again. So I was anxious most of the summer.
The EX has not had a bf since her lazy- con artist little boy left her in 2009. So this is one reason she can't let go of the IDEA of her and my BF getting back together. And she plants that seed in her girls' head every chance she gets. And she plants hatred and malice towards me when she talks to the girls.
SO....After almost 4.5 years- I think I am ready to stand up for myself even if BF doesn't like it. I think we have been tip toeing around Everyone's precious lil feelings long enough. It's time for to speak up for myself. The kids don't have to like it. THe BF don't have to like it. I am sick of Tripping over that damn elephant standing in the room. It's time we talk about it- and kick it out the door!!!
BBGF