So I'm afraid. And when I get afraid like this, it's a very lonely feeling. My husband of 4 years has five children from his previous marriage, and like most of you I'm sure, they absolutely hate me. They lived with us for the first five years of our relationship, and (all but one) moved in with their mother a year ago this month. They won't visit, period. Not at all. Because I'm here. They won't call my husband, their father, because he's married to me. The one and only time they've been over since they moved out, it was like I was nonexistent. No one looked at me, everyone kept their backs turned towards me. I sat on the couch and literally had to keep blinking the tears back. What a horrible way to feel, unwelcome and unwanted in your own home.

Now, tomorrow is another holiday and they won't be here, but as awful as it sounds, I'm so relieved. But I can't help but look ahead. My husband has a good relationship with his oldest daughter, who is 18, and actually works with me in my daycare. But his 17 year old, 15 year old, and 14 year old just keep getting older and angrier. They don't want me to attend their school functions with their father, they want him to go alone. No graduations, no taking pictures for school dances, no fundraisers, just nothing. So what's going to happen when they're on their own, and want him to go to barbeques or birthday parties, weddings, everything that they'll want their dad at, but I'm forced to sit out? I would never expect him not to go, and if it wasn't so painfully uncomfortable, I'd go too, even though they don't want me there. It's such a hard line to walk.

So I'll push it out of my mind, for another hour, another afternoon, another day. Keep busy and try not to think about the current pain, or the inevitable pain. I just cannot figure out how to make this work.