You are here

Birthdays and my rant for today

anyha's picture

Submitted by anyha on Mon, 05/16/2011 - 4:28pm

sigh.. thank you everyone who posted on the previous blog. I find it's much better to write things here than talking to family and such, mostly because they all get so opinionated. I know it's hard for them to see any family member in a difficult situation, but all relationships have things they have to deal with. Dragging family into it never seems to help out much though. :/

So... they had their birthday night out. It wasn't quite as bad as i was imagining. It was just a few hours after school where they went to the mall, build a bear, and grabbed food at a kid type restaurant. The fact that it didn't last that long means he wasn't "lingering" any longer than neccesary. In fact he was home 40minutes earlier than he thought. Makes me feel a tiny bit better.

So, i did get her a gift also. Why should she not get a gift for her birthday just because her bm has so many emotional issues. Turns out though, that what i got her was similar to what her bm got her as a "special gift". So then the BM "blew a gasket" apparently. She even admitted to my bf that she was overreacting. (imo that means she has no excuse if she can see her behavior is terrible)

I don't know what he said when she flipped out, but the fact that the child seems to have the final say in this case was actually a good thing. Apparently she liked the earrings i got her so much she insisted on wearing them for her birthday party. (i'm sure that was a liberal sprinkling of salt for the bm all day. *shrug*)

So, soon he will take the daughter on an overnight trip for a daddy daughter activity. I'll be going out of town this weekend, so he was thinking to take her overnight saturday also this week since she's never been overnight with him before. I'm kind of surprised but the BM said ok. (she knows i won't be there though.. so i guess she doesn't have much fuel for her fires) I'm curious how that will turn out. I'm hoping it means she is realizing her daughter is growing up. But, i don't really see how it will have any significance on the situation between me and her. Maybe she's hoping the daughter will be all sad and want to go home, so she can say that the daddy daughter trip is a bad idea.

This women has made her daughter her entire life, her emotional crutch.. i really do feel bad for the child. Isn't that one of the top things they said NOT to do when you get divorced? You shouldn't make your child be the one who comforts you when you're sad and lonely. It's too much burden to put on their shoulders. They need to have a chance to be a child.

If only this BM would date someone... or at least make 1 or 2 friends! Heck, she's got 2 free saturday nights coming up! Perfect opportunity to get out of the house. I'd tell my bf to encourage her with hints and such, but if he suggests anything then she'll get all huffy about him telling her what to do. (she likes to control, not be controlled. :P)

It will be interested as well to see how my bf feels. So far the more time he spends one on one with his daughter the more he's liking it. This will be a chance to have her in our house, which is a direction I'd like things to head. (plus, i don't think his ex has ever even been to our place to know the area. she MIGHT have the address..) And if she comes over while i'm gone. well... it's not gonna be pretty. Debating if i should say something in advance. (I read recently about someone coming home to the ex/hubby/kids baking cup cakes together in the house.. pretty sure i'd be packing bags if that was happening) This situation is bad enough already, but at least my home is MY home. Not sure how i would handle THAT line being crossed.

Comments

anyha's picture

Submitted by anyha on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 1:51pm

Thanks for your comments HelpMe. I definately agree that right now this situation is not healthy.

I have told him it is not healthy, pretty much for all of us. I also told him that this is really bad for his daughter and is going to get worse as time goes by. She is going to feel excluded from his life, and feel like i am the reason why he doesn't want her over at his house (instead of the BM) I told him that children learn how relationships work by watching the adults around them. So, all he is teaching his child is how to be in a dysfunctional relationship and to allow someone to control you. She is only getting to see the family model of him/ex-wife/her which, since they are divorced is NOT a good model to see as an example. I've told him that i am worried that the SD6 likes me now, but that she will start not liking me especially if she feels like she has to hate me to make mommy happy.

He had a long talk with the ex recently this week. Obviously his behavior was making it unclear as to whether i was a solid fixture or not. I get the impression that this BM felt like why should she deal with me if i wouldn't be sticking around.(and she's been trying her best to make that happen) Even though we've been together for 3 years almost, she really needed to hear it from him on a regular basis that i was important and i wasn't going anywhere.

I think he was able to make it more clear this time. He told her that we've been together quite awhile now, and that our relationship is solid and that the SD shouldn't have to worry about getting to know me and have me dissapear. While this gives her the information as relates to the SD, it also gives her information relating to herself meaning... her ex has a gf who isn't going anywhere, even after she has moved herself close to him and tried to "get along and change". Basically, he doesn't want her back.

A lot has stemmed from that i think. I think she felt like the only reason he was dating someone was because she was in another state, and that when she moved here he would drop me and go back to her. (she even asked him when she was apartment hunting if he liked the apartment, and what his input was, to which i asked him later wth did it matter what HE thought of it...)

So, during this talk he had with her, he told her that her behavior was completely unappropriate, (to which she agreed) that what she was doing was unhealthy for their child (and a bad model for her to see) and that his relationship with me is stable and i am not going anywhere.

She doesn't actually know where me/him live. He said she doesn't even have the address. I think I will probably say something to him about her not being welcome inside. (i wouldn't put it past her to think that she is going to use this opportunity of me being out of town and her daughter being at his house to come and snoop around the house) Despite their "talk" going well, her moods tend to fluctuate between rational and crazy. I don't trust her at all not to pretend to be nice so she can stir up trouble.

This woman is a counselor though. So, she's had a lot of psychology classes, is really good at manipulating, and also understands more than she wants to admit. The benefit is that he can throw psychoanalysis info at her about how her behavior is bad for her child and she might actually listen. The bad side is she has a bunch of issues herself, and needs therapy but probably won't go. She's kind of a fraud, as a counselor so she wouldn't want to go see another counselor cause she'd feel like they were also a fraud. (I always wonder how she can help anyone else, when she is such a mess herself...can't even take her own advice...)

This BM had a bad mom growing up who was really indifferent to her. So, she is overcompensating and constantly afraid that she will also be a bad mom because her mom was. She's still dealing with the idea of the divorce. When they lived so far away it didn't really seem real i think, and she always had that little seed of hope that if she was closer he would want to be with her again after she showed how nice she could be and how they could not fight. So, this is reality now. She lives close by, they co-parent, he doesn't want her. She tried to make a family and be a good mom, and feels like she failed. It rips her gut to see him with me, and to imagine me replacing her in that little family picture she had. Especially because me and him get along so well. She's afraid we would succeed and she would really feel like it truly was all HER fault that they failed. This is a lot to process.

I told my bf it's nice that she seems to be making some progress, nice that he is standing up for me and for his daughter. But, they should arrange better times for these conversations. (such as stick to email mostly and schedule something before the daughter gets home and they both have to take off work if there is something they really need to discuss, which means it won't happen as often if they have to take work off to do it) I told him that he should not be the one she is talking to about the divorce and her feelings of failure. He's the problem, he can't be her source of comfort.

Instead of getting angry, i send him an email full of all the things i want to yell about, then save it as a draft. if those things are still upsetting me a week later then i might still send it. But, it helps me keep my cool. Then, when we talk i just say a few things very calmly as a statement.

Not adding additional stress to him seems to be helping. He appreciates that i am not yelling at him (even when he knows i have every right to). He is more likely to listen to what i say. (like the model being unhealthy and how this is hurting his daughter) We've actually started to make some progress, and our relationship seems to be strengthening because of it.

It's tiring to be so controlling all the time. My bf has been reducing the contact he has with her. Now he's pushing those limits with some overnight stays, while reafirming that his relationship with me is stable. She'll eventually get the idea and realize she's only making her life more difficult by fighting reality. (we can only hope!)