Maybe skid/stepparent situations would be better if

we adults presented it to the kids like this:

that they have more power than they think they do. They control themselves and how they react to the situation. No, they didn't get to choose that their parents get divorced, or us as stepparents. They didn't get to choose our kids as family members. They don't control what anyone says about their parents or stepparents, whether it's truth or lies.

But they control how they react. They can choose to dwell on the divorce, or they can come to accept it on their own terms. They can choose to be rude to us, or they can choose to be nice. They can choose to believe whatever they're being told about us & our spouses, or they can choose to formulate their own opinions, hopefully realizing that there's always two or more sides to every story.

Maybe if the kids feel that they have some power and control, they'll act better. I know I hate having no control. My parents tried this tactic with me and it made me feel like I have some control. Maybe if they learn that they do have some control, they'll start to exercise it and feel better. But they should be forewarned that if they choose to be rude to us, their parents & new family members, there'll be negative consequences. If they choose to be civil to us, their new family members, and try to come to terms with the divorce then their parents will love them all that much more and everything in that parent's home will be so peaceful.

Maybe this would be a good tactic to try with your skids. I did with mine and it works wonders to this day.

Anon2009's blog
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Comments

I think this is a great idea

I think this is a great idea and you make a lot of good points, but if my skids somehow became genies and could control us like chess pieces, snap! I would wind up alone in the dust, watching my husband miserably forced to live with and marry the fat troll that is their mother. I'm joking, but it is kinda true that they have control over how they react to situations, but they don't have much more control than that. Most adults can't aren't mature enough to really control how they react (or it seems that way to me) and so I don't think most kids have a shot in hell at having a mature attitude about their parents not being together and/or a new stepparent. We can dream, but I don't expect my step-kids to act like enlightened, thoughtful beings. I act like I expect it so that they have someone in their life that expects more out of them than playing endless video games. They are far from what I would expect from in my own kids and my nephew that I spend a lot of time with is the kid that surpasses my wildest dreams of what a kid should be like. Sure, they would be so much happier and better adjusted if they did what you outline, but for the present, they can barely handle towing the line as far as basic respect for themselves and others and we are taking baby steps towards encouraging them to be kind, mature, thoughtful and respectful people. They have to earn control and when we have trusted them with very basic things, they have created chaos and unhappiness, so we're taking it slow. Maybe with other kids though? When I am raising my own (adopted) child, I will not have a psychotic parent in the picture and we will be able to raise her the way that we want without any destructive parental influence. Good post though! I mean all this in a light way, so I hope no one takes offense. I would love to have kids that were able to control how they react to life.

"The truth shall set you free." ~John 8:32