Personally I found that a lot of the early irritation I felt living with my partners children was because I felt like there was a silent battle between the way the BM ran her house and raised her kids, and the way I wanted things to be in our house. It's actually hundreds of small things which contribute to the feel of a home and it can be hard to identify and change those things. The SKs family culture and habits and relationships felt completely alien to me. That kind of stuff can make you feel like an outsider, even in your own home. And they had strength in numbers - there were 5 of them. It seems like a lot of people on this site are wrestling with the sense of an alien invasion when their SK's are in residence, and feeling pretty hostile and irritated. It's even worse when the SKs are teenagers and are challenging authority and developing all SORTS of annoying behaviour anyway. Most parents are annoyed and frustrated by their own teenagers!

Every time my SKs did or said things the way they would at home I felt the BMs shadow hanging over me reminding me how new and inconsequential my position was in the house. When there was more mess than I felt comfortable with, or they would hog the television for hours so I couldn't even relax and watch a program I wanted without it being an issue, I felt like I did not have control over my own home. And that REALLY rankled, I am a person who likes to be in control. Inside my desire to be liked by these children and build a positive relationship battled with my need to put my stamp on our home and have MY habits and preferences respected. And on their part they were defending a way of life against a new and not particularly welcome intruder. So really they had their own control issues - SKs often feel very out of control I think, they get no say in their parents divorce, where they live, how often they see them, whether they get new partners foisted on them or what the new partners are like. So if they're polite and well raised they'll quietly try to maintain some sense of control by doing things their way and resisting your changes, and if not there will be open confrontations and rudeness. MY SK's did the former. It made me constantly on edge, trying to work out how to carve out some space, so of course I would heave a sigh of relief when they went back to BM and I could have my house back as I wanted it.

Maybe this can be minimised if you and the BD are naturally very in sync when it comes to values and rules in the home: cleanliness, chores, activities etc. I did not have the benefit of that. DH and I were like chalk and cheese, I felt like I was battling him too a lot of the time. Only time made this easier. We gradually built our own habits and memories to offset the BM/BD ones. After a lot of groundwork the SKs started to like me and respect me a little. After a lot of rows DH and I started to get some agreement on how things should be managed. We moved to a new house where new rules were put in place. I had a baby and once they saw me as a mother they accepted my authority more. With some mutal affection in place I got less scared about disciplining and enforcing rules, which made me feel more in control, which meant less silent irritation and power struggles. Sometimes there are still irritations, and I still feel MOST relaxed in my home when it's just me DH and our BD and BS. But now most of the irritations and stresses with my SKs come down to the fact that teenagers can be annoying and frustrating per se! Anyway these are my thoughts, I'd be interested in any comments. Thanks for reading.