You are here

Feel bad for feeling like I do, but cant help it.

annoyed's picture

Submitted by annoyed on Fri, 06/18/2010 - 8:31pm

I have a SD (12) and a SS (10). They do not live with us, in fact they live out of state. My Hubby and I have been married for little over a year. In the begining BM told the sk they were not aloud to like me or talk to me. It has not gotten any better. Now we only hear from SD and SS when they want money. My Hubby pays his child support and pays for insurance ans she claims both on her taxes. For a while there BM crazy mother called my phone a couple times and cursed me out for no reason. My hubby and BM had been divorced for a couple years before we met. And BM and my hubby had been seperated long before that. This has been really hard. Now I cringe when the SD and SS call cause I know it is for money. I am tired of being a bank. I am trying to be optimistic but it has made me sour to the SD and SS. I would rather my hubby never talk to me about them as if they did not exist. Now my hubby and I are trying to have a child of our own and the BM told him that the SD and SS are upset cause he never sees them how can he have a child with me. Mind you our journey to have a child has been difficult because my hubby had a vasectomy reversal recently. The SD asked me how are you and my daddy having a baby if his tubes were tied??? Nice that def came from the BM.....I am frustrated cause I dont like talking about SD and SS because they are the way they are and I dont have my own child. I wonder if I ever will? It is hard to deal with someone elses kids when you may not be able to have your own and their kids are such brats. The first visit to our home with the kids was a living nightmare the SD tattled on me about everything....SD and SS would go in our room anytime and hop in our bed and I hated that because that was my only place to get away and my hubby thought I was being ridiculous. We got in a huge fight in front of them which of course got back to BM and she stated that I was being ridiculous....I feel like I am running out of time to have my own child. I am 33 and clock is ticking....I get depressed each month I am not prego and also each month when the SD and SS call to ask for money for something diff each time. I love my hubby but sometimes it is too upseting. I went from taking care of myself to taking care of two SC and havent even had opportunity to have my own child. Dont get me wrong I love children but I resent his because I dont have my own and his act the way they do. I wish my hubby could understand....

Comments

stepkate's picture

Submitted by stepkate on Fri, 06/18/2010 - 9:11pm

I totally relate on the kids in the bed issue-BF and I also had a huge fight about it. The truth is your DH probably won't be able to understand, because he has kids. Lately I've been thinking about asking my BF if he's ever dated anyone with kids, because I don't think he has...

I wouldn't feel bad if I were you. Bioparents will tell you that raising children is hard, and they have the cushion of the unconditional love that usually comes with children biologically being yours to fall back on. Step parents have to parent while working toward love, and I don't think it makes you a bad person or deficient in some way if you can't love someone just because they're related to someone that you love, or because they are around a lot. Those things just don't meet my criteria for love.

annoyed's picture

Submitted by annoyed on Sat, 06/19/2010 - 3:44pm

I am so glad I found this site. The ability to vent to people who understand is comforting. Do you have kids of your own? Yeah mine actually stated he would not have been able to be with someone with kids. So sometimes he sees my view and other times he does not. The bed thing he accepted that I wanted my space and that was our room to get away from them, but deep down I think he still does not fully get it. Today my hubby told me that he walks on egg shells cause he can't talk about his kids around me because it is sensitive to me bc I want my own kid. Then he said and we are supposed to be best friends and talk about anything. Actually I hate to say it but just cause I don't care to ever talk about his kids does not make me a bad person. He said if your friend wanted to talk to you about their kid you would listen....I wish he understood it is totally different....I have to say he does back me up most of the time when the kids act up towards me...but it took sometime for that to happen.

stepkate's picture

Submitted by stepkate on Sat, 06/19/2010 - 5:34pm

Nope, I have no kids of my own, but I hope to someday.

This might sound bad, but step-parenting is kind of backwards. Having kids with one person and then finding a different partner throws a huge wrench into things for all parties involved (you, your SO, BM, and kids) and most of the time, none of these people can see completely how screwed up is to be any of the others because they've never been in their shoes. It takes a lot of understanding from everyone.

annoyed's picture

Submitted by annoyed on Sat, 06/19/2010 - 6:11pm

You are right about that lol! If I could recommend anything to others that are just dating someone with kids, don't rush into marriage until you know for sure things will work out. My hubby and I met through work and dated for only about 8 months before we got married.....I met the kids one time before. I thought because we loved each other we would make it work. I should have waited.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Fri, 06/18/2010 - 9:27pm

Has DH ever tried to go through the courts to get/enforce visitation with skids?

annoyed's picture

Submitted by annoyed on Sat, 06/19/2010 - 3:48pm

No because he feels most of the time the man wins and she is not an unfit mom just a BM and lives with her parents... Last Christmas she gave us a hard time getting them after Christmas so he made a copy of the divorce decree and sent it to her with the days he was requesting and that worked. It is just so hard with them living in another state and the kids being under 14 so they can not fly alone unless it is a direct flight. And with the economy direct flights are hard to come by.

BoutToBreak's picture

Submitted by BoutToBreak on Fri, 06/18/2010 - 10:28pm

I understand how you feel, my DH also had a vasectomy, and we are currently saving(seems like we've been saving forever) to get it reversed. I know there's always a chance it may not work, but I always try to think positively about it, and I know if it's meant to be it will. Right now there is nothing I want more than my own child that I can actually raise with my values, and it's hard to watch BM not really appreciate her kids and let them do whatever as long as they "like" her. My Sd's also only contact DH when they want him to pay for something usually via text, it's sad but I know they learned it from their mother. They have no desire to be at our house because DH actually has rules to follow so we might see them once a month.

annoyed's picture

Submitted by annoyed on Sat, 06/19/2010 - 3:54pm

This is such a great website! We found a doctor that did payment plans. He was real good. He tested the sperm before the procedure to see what procedure he should do. He let us know that one side had swimmers and the other side was cloudy so not sure but you only need one swimmer he said lol! His vasectomy was almost 10years old when he had the reversal. We have been under stress cause I want one so bad and feel as if my clock is ticking....If is funny you say that about the rules...They say we have too many too! LOL! It is sad we tried to get SD and SS to visit the week before SD birthday and she said she wanted to be there with her mommy, family, and friends on her birthday...and they always say that for every holiday too. Does your DH send money every time they ask?

BoutToBreak's picture

Submitted by BoutToBreak on Sat, 06/19/2010 - 5:48pm

I've been thinking of trying to find a doctor who does payment plans also, I'm ready to get this show on the road...it would be better if we could save it and just have it paid off but my DH likes to blow money on pointless things so it's taking quite awhile. My DH's vasectomy also has been 10 yrs ago, but I'm hoping for the best anyway. Yeah they don't like the rules or the fact that they can't have friends over 24/7 here, or go roaming around town alone, or have boys over unsupervised, and etc. I mean on Christmas they wanted to come and just get the gifts and leave and go to the mall Christmas weekend but DH made them stay the weekend anyway, and then the oldest SD15 wrote a really hateful note and left it in the room saying how Fing annoying we all are here, and she was so bored she wanted to kill herself...so pathetic you can't spend one weekend with your father, needless to say they are very ungrateful. He pretty much does give them money when they ask, which I guess I wouldn't mind as much if it weren't such a chore for them to spend any kind of time with him, and I pretty much stay out of their way so there's no excuse for it.

As for the flying out of town without you, I don't think it is crazy at all. I would not want my DH spending time with BM without me, considering she wrote in her journal she still had feelings for him, and she practically calls him everyday but only when he's at work and I'm not around. And even if I do trust him, I can't trust her, she lies all the time and she seeems to lack morals.

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Fri, 06/18/2010 - 11:37pm

PS none of ex's business that you aré attempting to have your own child...none of the skid's business either! Whoever told them would get a butt kick from me!

PS anyone out there who claims skids should be aware, whatever! No parent tells their kids "we're trying to have another kid...they might say "guess what? You'll soon have a brother or sister! Wth do these kids think they aré attempting to tell their father whether he should or shouldn't have kids?

annoyed's picture

Submitted by annoyed on Sat, 06/19/2010 - 4:03pm

I totally agree! My hubby wrote them a letter telling them, since we can never talk to them via phone. The funny part is when the kids were here I of course talked openly about it and they did not seem to mind? In fact I got a message on facebook from SD asking me if I was preg yet and then she wrote a long email about what was going on in her life. She signed the email Love your favorite daughter......interesting.....When they first found out the SD sent him a comment on Facebook saying how can you have a kid with her when you dont even come see us? I too thought we should just keep it to ourselves until it happened...Now the BM is probably laughing cause it has not happened yet and she knows he had a reversal so we could try....

livinthedream's picture

Submitted by livinthedream on Sat, 06/19/2010 - 6:21am

There is a reason why you are waiting to get pregnant. It is giving you a long time to think about what your motives are for having a baby. I have run into the same set of problems...DH who tells BM everything & the skids who hear everything from BM. Is there any privacy...not even in your own bed? I cant believe that you have no place of your own for solitude..thats crazy.

annoyed's picture

Submitted by annoyed on Sat, 06/19/2010 - 4:06pm

Actually my hubby tells them that they are not allowed in our room when they visit...But did it really have to be a big fight??? So now they dont come in but I swear if we go behind closed doors the minute the door closes they knock....frustrating...luckly I look at my hubby and he knows he better tell them to wait... Smile

mom2five's picture

Submitted by mom2five on Sat, 06/19/2010 - 7:28am

Ahhhh Sweetie. ((hugs)) This is still very new. You've only been married a little over a year. I remember those days. It's overwhelming. Sometimes you just want to crawl into a little ball and pull the covers over your head.

First, you have the right to your bedroom. You are not being ridiculous. None of our kids have even been allowed in our bedroom. That's our space! Of course, there have been exceptions...sick kids, nightmares, stuff like that.

Second, stop worrying about what BM says or does. I know it's easier said than done. But you can do it! My stepkids were told horrible things about me. My husband's ex convinced my stepson that I was demonically possessed...seriously! I wish I had known then what I know now. It doesn't matter what she does or says. The kids will figure it out. Just consistently treat them fairly. Don't bad mouth their mother. Act like a normal family and you'll eventually start to feel like one.

Your husband shouldn't allow the kids to "tattle" on you. That ridiculous. You are THE MOTHER in your house. Not their mother, but THE MOTHER. You are entitled to obedience and respect because of that position. The kids don't have to love you. But they do have to respect you.

It gets easier. It just takes a long time. I read somewhere that it takes about 5 years for a blended family to really feel like a family.

annoyed's picture

Submitted by annoyed on Sat, 06/19/2010 - 4:12pm

Thank you for the hugs Smile Sometimes I could really use them :)Yeah I remember as a kid that was mom and dad's place to get away from us kids. I guess my hubby was raised diff? And if it was my own kids I may feel different? It is just weird a SD that is 12 in your bed and it is the first visit that SD has ever made to my home....And they told me to lay down next to them....Sorry that is weird it is like telling a stranger to come lay in my bed with me and my hubby. Wow demonically possessed??? CRAZY things they say about us???? I never bad mouth their mother even though I may want to. My hubby did not pay attention to SD tattling on me...But after our big blow out I basically said if you want me to be your wife then I get my own space our room and your kids will respect me if they are in my home. I am their elderly not there age.... How long has it been for you? Do you have kids of your own?

annoyed's picture

Submitted by annoyed on Sat, 06/19/2010 - 4:21pm

Does anyone think I am crazy for getting upset over this.......

My hubby's mom and BM thought that if we could not afford for both my hubby and I to go to visit the kids, he should go by himself?????? I feel if we cant afford for both of us to go then he does not need to go by himself....

Reason I feel this way is before I was in the picture...My hubby's mother told me that on Easter a year before my hubby and I got together he went home to visit the kids and the BM was walking around saying my husband this my husband that....They had been divorced for 2 years or so at that point. So the Bitch is not over him apparently???? Then on top of that my hubby's ex mother in law would call my phone several times in the middle of the day while I was at work or in the early am and curse me out telling me I stole my hubby away from her daughter and the Skids.....

But hubby did not see it that way and thought I was wrong and he should be able to go and i should trust him.... BS.....No way in hell would I trust her forget trusting him.....We got in a huge fight over it and I told him the day he flys out of state to go see them without me, he will come home to no wife......So since then he has not brouhgt it up again.