I was in a major funk all freaking day, and super tied to the news. Everyone was so stressed, except my DH, who also went fishing (lingcod and some rockfish) He was simply tired.

I didnt go hiking, I barely got the laundry folded, all I can say for myself is that I took a shower, and ate something.

I have to check out from it all. I really do. 

I say this not to rile anyone up- because I am truly disgusted that another person (of any race) was killed by someone that was sworn to protect and serve. Disgusted does not begin to cover my feelings on that matter.

I am also disgusted at the violence of these riots. The pictures of people standing up to protect officers that have been separated- surely saving their lives bring me to tears. The rocks and smoke bombs and fireworks being thrown at police trying to protect the CNN building. The small businesses that were hanging on by a thread thanks to Covid now burned and looted. There is no comeback for those people... there is no help and I swear to DOG if one more person says "they have insurance for that" I am going to loose it!

I keep running the math and scenarios on what we (my company) would do if we were a target (closest violent protest was about 10 miles from us currently). We are small, we employ 16 people. We provide the bulk if not sole income for every one of those families and with unemployment being a mess from covid, who knows how long until they got any money again?? Our business, it would take at least a month to get up and running again. If we could find a place to move. Also at least 60K in insurance deductibles. I don't understand why someone would ever think that hurting your community, taking away pay and/or employment from your neighbors, inciting fear in everyone close by would ever be ok. 

(Stepping off my soapbox now)

I have been having headaches from "clenching my teeth", biting my tongue, rolling my eyes. Lately more so than normal since SD29 announced her pregnancy with baby number 2 and baby daddy number 2. The hits just keep on rolling.

related to work. I quit my job and don't start the next one right away. Today is my first non-work day. I really didn't want to leave my last job but my boss was just impossible (I am not the only one to state this, so it's not just a personality conflict).

Magically almost all my health issues from the past year are gone. I have felt better in the last week or so (since I resigned) than I have in a long, long time. I can even see the difference in my face and I swear I've lost weight in the last week.

It's good that you recognize the signs of anxiety Aniki. It's an important step in not relapsing into serious mental health issues.

My eyes hurt from crying and wiping away tears, yet I can't seem to turn off the news. I'm encouraged by most that are protesting peacefully - people of all types, colour, ages, etc... Enough is enough. There should not be different rules for people in 2020.

I stepped away from the internet and went to our cabin.  I encountered 4 timber spiders, a copperhead, 8 chipmunks, 3 turkeys and saw a bear.  Nature has a way of calming and soothing.  I sat on my deck, listened to the wind in the trees and the river.  And drank way too much wine.

My job has been COVID19 response pretty much 24/7 since Mar 16.  I am tired, physically & mentally.  Then the sadness of the news this week was overwhelming.  400 hundred years and we can't get this right. I am ashamed.  And now it seems that the protests are being stoked by left & right wing extremists and our leaders are flailing and talking about using the military to fight our own citizens.  It's crazy and scary and I don't know how it ends.  I can't find my reserve of optimism.

A trigger of anxiety that I learned much later is the need to finish a task, it becomes almost a fixation. I never knew this was a trigger, until one time I was exercising and I was forced to stop to deal with something else, the need to finish exercising became so intense it was all I could focus on and then began to get panicky thinking I couldn't complete the task.

I have learned how to deal with my anxiety and panic attacks, mostly through exercise, diet and just learning how to calm myself. Little did I know the absolute need to complete a task was also part of it. Now that I know this I have learned to start paying attention when I become hyper focused on a task and remind myself I can walk away and it will be okay.

Anxiety has gripped me hard lately, there’s so much going on in the world it’s hard to wrap my head around it all.

My heart is breaking for what’s happening in America at the moment, although I do hope it sparks change and leads to the destruction of white privilege and systemic racism. It’s terrible to see the looting & vandalism occurring right now, and horrific to see the violence perpetrated by the police, but so many more are protesting peacefully, and I’m choosing to focus on their actions. There are police forces out there standing on side with the Black community, and this needs to happen. What’s more important than the riots and looting is the continuous loss of Black lives at the hands of those who are meant to protect them. 

I’m ashamed it took the death of George Floyd for me to finally examine my own white privilege, and the ways I’ve been racist without even realizing it. I feel ashamed I haven’t spoken out, educated myself, or done anything to support the Black community until now. My heart breaks that it took this degree of violence, this blatant act of disregard for George’s life for people to finally wake up to what’s been happening for far too long now. My greatest hope is white people stay awake & fight the fatigue that comes with inciting great change. 

I’m also concerned about the increase of cases of COVID we’re most likely going to see as a result of what’s happening, people are protesting around the globe and have thrown social distancing to the wayside. I pray that hospitals will have the bandwidth for the new cases that will most likely result from this, and that loss of life is minimal. 

In my personal life, I’m concerned about returning to work as it will mean putting my infant child in daycare, and the thought of it is sending my mind into overdrive. I can’t stomach the thought of her getting sick, and I’m wracking my brain to think of any alternate arrangements I can make to keep her safe. We’ve been taking social distancing extremely seriously since day 1, and I don’t agree with re-opening. I’ve been having several conversations with my husband about this, if there’s a feasible way to keep her home I’m going to do so. Which also hurts my heart because I’m in an extremely fortunate position to even consider that as an option, and not every family has the same opportunities.

My heart is sore. This has been a horrible year, but my hope remains that we see an enormous change that benefits everyone, most especially marginalized and poor communities who need it the most.