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OT - finally showered and left the house

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Sun, 05/28/2017 - 4:08pm

For the past 36 hours, I've alternated between sobbing and sleeping. DH has been begging me to eat, but I have no appetite. Choked down a couple of protein shakes instead. I gathered up Mr. P's unopened treats and canned food and returned them.

My guilt is bottomless. When I opened the car at the vet, he was lying on his right side - I put him in on his left. But his back legs weren't working and I obviously turned too fast and my darling angel fell over. There was a lot of drool on the pad. My God, he must have felt like a rag doll in a dryer. My poor boy. I should have held him more, cuddled him more, talked to him more, spent more time with him, showed him how much I love him.

I feel broken.

Comments

pinkb's picture

Submitted by pinkb on Sun, 05/28/2017 - 4:13pm

Aniki, we all feel like that when we let go of a fur baby. They love us unconditionally as we do them. They don't want to be felt sorry for. They just want our best love for as long as we can give it to them which I'm certain you did.

Mr. P. is certainly doing what he loved to do the best as we speak.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Submitted by Dontfeedthetrolls on Sun, 05/28/2017 - 5:07pm

Sometimes being strong enough to help them move on is the best way we show them we love them. If they could speak I'm sure they would have words of comfort letting us know they miss us just as much. Remember the good times. Don't beat yourself up over when you didn't hold him just remember when you did. When you played when you smiled and when you loved. All the life you gave him. Honor it and recognize how full it was. It's gonna hurt for a while but always pull back on the good stuff.

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Sun, 05/28/2017 - 5:33pm

Mr. P was loved and well cared for. It might also help to donate Mr. P's items to the local humane society. ((hugs))

ntm's picture

Submitted by ntm on Sun, 05/28/2017 - 7:40pm

I'm the queen of finding whatever guilt I can when one of my fur babies dies. The reality is we do the best we can at the time with the information we have. As far as spending more time--I've made a rule and I live by it: Never just walk past a kitty who is looking for a pet. Sometimes I have to back up, but it's been 10 years since I lost the Boy who taught me that.

What you are experiencing is perfectly normal. You will never be the person you were before this loss, but you will learn to live with the new normal you don't want. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. You had suffered a huge loss and your grieving process will take as long as it takes. And grief is not linear, it's a huge squiggly circle.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

AJanie's picture

Submitted by AJanie on Sun, 05/28/2017 - 10:14pm

There is always guilt when it's time to let go. It's natural to replay it and over analyze it. You did everything you could because you loved Mr. P. Don't torture yourself. My heart hurts for you.

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Mon, 05/29/2017 - 2:11am

Mr P knew you loved him Aniki.... he loved you just as much..

sending you hugs and comfort... cry away

IslandGal's picture

Submitted by IslandGal on Mon, 05/29/2017 - 3:05am

Dont beat yourself up darl. You did all you could and he is now at peace..his spirit will always be around you now. Take as much time as you need to grieve..you will be all right. Hugs to you.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Submitted by NoWireCoatHanga... on Mon, 05/29/2017 - 4:41pm

Every time I looked at Beatles , who is 15, I thought of Mr.P and hugged him a little tighter this weekend.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Tue, 05/30/2017 - 7:11am

So sorry to hear of your loss. Our pets truly are family and the loss is no less devastating. I know that you did your best for him and I hope that the pain fades in time and that you have all your good memories to comfort you.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Tue, 05/30/2017 - 10:15am

Thank you all for your kindness.

It was a sh!t weekend. Who knew that tear ducts were bottomless pits? I have cried so much the last few days that my eyelids are swollen and my nose looks sunburned. I kept hearing things that sounded exactly like Mr. P. I even took the air freshener out of his room so his smell will last longer and I told DH that I'll vacuum it when Hell freezes over. I refuse to move his bed away from my recliner.

Back to work today. I'm used to taking Mr. P for a walk before I start getting ready. No Mr. P to walk. No tail beating a rhythm on the floor when I go into his room to rub his belly before we go out. My coffee is still sitting on the counter. I forgot to drink it. I don't remember driving to work and have accomplished absolutely nothing except proper disposal of used tissues. FML