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Andyandme's picture

Submitted by Andyandme on Tue, 03/26/2013 - 11:46pm

I just want to ask how many of you ladies have a problem with your DH and ex texting each other? I know they have a child together but when she's sending pics of herself when she was young and telling him how their daughter looks exactly like her when she was young and him agreeing to her and letting her know that they are identical and that's he's here mini me. Or when they just having simple conversations... I really hope I'm not jealous :/ hope this isn't normal. I mean there has been more text messages and pics of her sent to his phone so he can show sd 6 ...really?? Like she can't wait for sd6 to go home so she can show her ugh

Comments

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Tue, 03/26/2013 - 11:49pm

If she's sending pics for SD to see, that's one thing.
If she's sending pics of herself for DH to see, that's another thing.

Andyandme's picture

Submitted by Andyandme on Tue, 03/26/2013 - 11:59pm

Yes it's for sd6 but I really believe its to show him what she believes he's missing.. I don't see why she can't wait till sd6 gets home and can show her in person. I must be a little jealous if this bothers me. Really wish it didn't.

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 12:01am

It's probably not the pictures themselves that are bothering you. It's the sense of familiarity, of bonding, of history that exists between them. I know it bothered me years back. It just felt unnatural that MY husband was friendly with this woman he'd vowed to love forever.
And it is unnatural. Marriage should be forever.

Have you tried talking to your DH about this yet What was his reaction?

Andyandme's picture

Submitted by Andyandme on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 12:19am

He thinks I'm crazy, he said there is nothing to be jealous about and that she is in his past. I just need to be more understanding. I know if I was sending my ex pictured of me so that he can show my kids my DH would have a big problem with this. Guess I should've mentioned that to him to see what he would say. Now that I remember he did say if I wanted him to tell her something he would say something to her but he said she would know that it was me asking him to say this or he said it seems a little childish asking her not to send pics to show his daughter. And as always he ends up with the last word and making me feel like I'm crazy.

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 12:31am

Way back, before my XH went off the rails (see recent blogs) we got along for the kids. We each called the kids at night to say good night. We would send pics of the kids doing stuff with us to the other parent. I think it's nice to get along and be friendly for the kids' sakes.
I don't honestly understand being upset about it. Thankfully, my DH (and BF at the time) was ok with it, too. However, this site has shown me that MANY women have a problem with it.

Andyandme's picture

Submitted by Andyandme on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 12:38am

I seen your response to some ignorant person on your blog cant believe some people.I will definitely check and read your blog in a few. I agree with you I would love not to feel any negative or jealousy feeling towards this I want to be happy.

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 12:42am

I tend to piss people off. Smile I don't say things in a rosy, warm fuzzy way...and a lot of what has worked for me SMs DO NOT like.

I've been a stepmom for more than 20 years at this point. I've learned a lot, I've matured, I've done some things that I'm not proud of and I've felt feelings I'm not proud of. At this place in the road, I have a terrific relationship with my SD22 and I get along with her mother (BM1) WOW, I NEVER thought I'd ever say that!
I have zero contact with DH's XW (BM2) as both of their kids are adults and we never really had contact with her to begin with. Wink SS24 I get along with ok, and he's off doing his own thing. SD19 is a handful...she (and the resulting issues with DH) are what brought me here.

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 6:23am

if she were in his past, you wouldn't be dealing with this. bms are NEVER in the past. they are simply put within their limits. you should ask your dh how he would feel if you were sending pics to your ex. that he's willing to say something to her is good, but not needed. what he DOES need to do is QUIT RESPONDING to her. you see, they are not married anymore, but it sounds like they still have this emotional connection, so are not truly divorced. your dh can have all the pictures he wants on his own time. this is what parenting time is for, so that they can have their OWN time with their child. there is no need for bm to fill him in on what he's missing. my dh's ex used to do this, too. send cutesy texts and pics. once he chewed her out, flat out asked her if she wanted him back. she said no, that she didn't realize she was sending to him. embarrassed her. she sent a couple since then, but he ignores. she's pretty much quit, but still occasionally sicks her toe out to see which way the wind blows (if he's receptive to her). and THIS is the problem. he's been RECEPTIVE to her. he needs to stop that today.

Drac0's picture

Submitted by Drac0 on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 11:19am

>He thinks I'm crazy, he said there is nothing to be jealous about and that she is in his past.<

I say this with a certain amount of self-loathing. Guys are stupid.
Okay, so he says that there is nothing going on and there is nothing to be jealous about. That's because that is how HE FEELS. He needs to understand that his ex's actions, no matter how harmless they are, are making YOU FEEL uncomfortable. Her ex may have be revolving around his life for much longer than you have, but the fact remains that YOU should be the one made to feel closer to him. Tell him that acts like this make you feel like you are playing second fiddle to a past that you cannot compete with.

Peaches1973's picture

Submitted by Peaches1973 on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 2:56pm

Thank you so much for your honesty on the subject Drac0.It means alot coming from a man cause Im in a similar situation only worse:shes not BM,shes just a chick my BF was chasing for years before me and I suspect to this day.
He doesnt need to talk to her at all but he does.They both know how much it bothers me but he justifies by saying its all innocent.When I ask him to prove it by showing me the text threads he acuses me of trying to be controling and being jealous.
I tell him Im the one he's in a relationship with and if something is bothering me,even if he doesnt understand why (though I know he does)he should put an end to it.

Im not trying to take over this thread I just totally relate to what the poster is feeling and I completely sympathize.Drac0 nailed it-if it bothers you and causes tension in your relationship he needs to stop it.Period.

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 12:18am

It depends. I know people that have a good relationship with their ex. SM, ex, Father and kids are all cordial,etc. It doesn't happen that often but I would not judge others for whom it works.

But in my situation - no way Jose. If my DH has any contact with his ex I am out of here. Or rather he is out of here.

My DH still loves BM. They had a second child years after their divorce because they could not keep their hands off each other.

If he wants me in his life he will have ZERO contact with her ever. If he wants to see her, be friends with her, or anything that is his choice. But I will not stick around.

fedup13's picture

Submitted by fedup13 on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 12:06pm

I think what oldone means is that he still loves his ex, but is not IN love with her so to speak. Like he thinks she is great, perfect Pam, isn't it? But that he is in love with his wife, Oldone, now.

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 12:18pm

I almost didn't. On our wedding day he told me that he loves both of his ex wives (not in love). And that no he would never love me more than he had loved them when he was in love with them.

I cried for two hours on the courtsteps. I think the only reason I went thru with the marriage was because it saves me a huge amount in taxes.

Now he treats me great every day. All of my friends think he is the most wonderful husband on the face of this earth - but I've never told anyone in real life how hurtful he was to me on our wedding day.

I probably do love him a little less because of this. I would not think twice about walking away if he does ANYTHING out of line.

fedup13's picture

Submitted by fedup13 on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 12:28pm

That is awful!! I got a sick feeling in my stomach for you when I read this. I knew he had told you he "loved" them, but I didn't know he did this. That is just so gut wrenchingly hurtful! I am sorry! I would love him a WHOLE lot less because of this.

Andyandme's picture

Submitted by Andyandme on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 1:57pm

That's exactly how I'm starting to feel.. I want to let him know if he does not stop I'm out of here. He can go back with his ex.

snowdrop's picture

Submitted by snowdrop on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 1:41am

If he's making you feel crazy, then be suspicious. 9 times out of 10 men do this when they are trying to deflect attention from something they're doing and shouldn't be.

You're being totally reasonable about this. You don't sound jealous or insecure, you sound appropriately bothered by this. There's no reason for it. AND you're a factor in this situation too, if it makes you uncomfortable they shouldn't be doing it. Stopping the text messages does not hurt SD in any way... nor does continuing benefit her.

sending support. Honor your intuition!

stepmomto3bioto1's picture

Submitted by stepmomto3bioto1 on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 1:49am

No!!! Its NOT the "norm" for exes esp REmarried exes to carry on as "friends" like that!!! Its NOT the norm for all the chit chat between them & almost ALL women WOULD take High Offense to their overly chummy ways!! Really- its simple--

BOUNDARIES!!!!!

If BM & DH still wish to be soooo "connected" then they shoulda stayed Married!! I do NOT believe your being "jealous" at all. I think your being quite normal & very justified for your feelings!!! Normal Women leave MARRIED men alone & dont trample all over the Boundaries & Sanctity of Marriage!!!!!!!!!!!!' Period!!!!

Sadly these men think they can be "friends" with ex spouses. It NEVER ends well!! Most of the time its these crazy ex wives who love doing these things!!! Its "attention" that they are taking away from the new wife & trust me, she knows any sane normal Wife wouldnt put up with it!!!!! She knows very well that it causes problems!!! Its CONTROL she seeks !! Your DH is being naieve & silly!!!

Our BM waaaay overstepped her boundaries as the EX wife in the beginning until my DH put that quack in her place!!! Her sending pics of when she was young to YOUR dH?!?!? Waaaaay overstep of Boundaries!!! Uck!!!

Sorry your going thru this!! But sure as crap wasnt gonna let you think that your being "insecure " or "jealous"!!!!

Normal people PROTECT their marriages!!! Protect yours by setting CLEAR boundaries with your DH Against his EX!!!

stepmomto3bioto1's picture

Submitted by stepmomto3bioto1 on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 2:02am

OP-- by the way- my ex & I have a great working relationship as parents to our DD8. BUT we also set clear boundaries with each other. Not all exes have to be bitter or volitile-- however-- hes my EX!! We dont send daily or even weekly texts to each other. We simply parent our child & never ever put her in the middle. We dont even fight. BUT my ex also Respects my DH & he has never once crossed any boundaries or caused us any grief!!!! So can my ex & i be friends? Nope. But we are cordial & respect each others relationship to our child!!!

Id NEVER ever think it to be "ok" to send my ex pics of me with the guise of "for our child". Thats a complete cop out!!! Read articles on the internet about effective boundaries between exes!!! Save articles & read them with your DH. Help educate your DH. I have & they all said the same things-----Set Clear & Precise Boundaries!!!

Hope that helps to see its NOT us "bitter Stepmoms" that take issue with over-involved exes!! You must Always Protect your Marriage--especially to your exes!!!!

Hang in there!!!

katielee's picture

Submitted by katielee on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 5:15am

I HATE it when BM texts my husband. My sd is 11. There is no reason she can't communicate with her dad herself on most things. BM uses my sd as a reason to communicate with my husband because she's still in love with him. It drives him crazy but he wants to keep a good relationship with her because of sd. We have been working on this in our house.

Andyandme's picture

Submitted by Andyandme on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 2:12pm

He lets me know the reason why he is nice to her is because he just wants everyone to be happy and doesn't want to hear her negativity so he will respond to her and agree when he needs to. This morning I seem another of his text to her letting her know we seen one of her idols and telling her if she was there not the sk6 but the ex she would've flipped out to see this artist that we happen to see over the weekend. But really he text her to let her know she would've flipped out and that we came face to face with her idol??

luchay's picture

Submitted by luchay on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 5:48am

Yes, it's all very well to send pics of the skids doing stuff between each other (my ex and I do that, not even with us in them though) and OH and BM do it too.

But pics of her when she was young? And isn't skid a mini-me???

Nah - she's sending them for him not the skid.

As you say - if it was for the kid why not just wait til she gets home and show her the real pics? (Am assuming skid spends time at both houses very regularly?) If not she could send skid an album with pics in it of herself etc - but not to your OH's phone.

That is NOT on.

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 6:57am

I think this depends on the demeanor of your DH.

Truly do you really think you have anything to worry about?

Noone can MAKE you feel anything, we are incharge of our feelings.

Hanny's picture

Submitted by Hanny on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 11:08am

My counselor explained it as 'enmeshment'...meaning they still have some kind of connection, other than their child. My SO did this for a while also. I would point it out every time. BM would text about everything or call about everything, that wasn't actually necessary. I do understand there has to be communication. My SO only had his girls every weekend. So during the week BM would call about school stuff, and even would call to tell him how the girls were 'feeling'...meaning emotional feelings. Well, he finally made the realization that it wasn't how the girls were 'feeling'...it was how BM was interupting stuff. He felt he needed to be in communication with BM to be in the 'loop'. To know what was going on. As the girls got older I pointed out that that kind of communication was no longer necessary, he needed to get the girls to communicate with him. When the kids get a certain age, they should be calling their father about their weekend plans on his time...not the BM. It has definitely gotten better the older they've gotten, now 18 and 23. But he does still get texts and phone call from BM. I think the picture thing is totally nuts. I could see if the skid lived full time with 1 parent and the other one live away and didn't get to see skid much, occasional pictures would be nice for a 6 year old, but if she's going back to mom's house next week, believe me she doesn't need to see a pic of mom everyday. Or you could get a picture framed and put it in her room, then your DH could tell BM that she doesn't need to send any pics that skid can see her pic every night before she goes to bed.

msg1986's picture

Submitted by msg1986 on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 11:43am

I dont for a minute, buy that she is sending those pics for their child. If she was sending pics of the child, I could totally get that but pics of BM? nope, no way. Communication should be about SKID only, nothing more, nothing less. The way I see it is, if they want to be so nice to eachother and chit chat on text all the time, maybe they should work it out and get back together. I don't think you're acting jealous at all, would your DH be okay with you texting another man these things? I think it's disrepectful to you and that's why you're bothered.

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 12:21pm

A friend of mine has been divorced for 25 years. The kids are long grown and living in another state. He left her for a woman he dated before, during and after their marriage.

They talk every day as best friends. Some times more than once a day. And they have had sex many times since the divorce and his remarriage. I hate him.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 12:22pm

BM is lording this over you that she, as the mother of DH's kids, still ranks above you. This is a turf war, that DH needs to put an end to. My ex-bf, invited me to his ex's house for dinner, totally weird, and he went car shopping with her and the kids, and he would talk about how he would mow her lawn, stop by her house to eat pizza with her and the kids, and was considering helping her move into her new house.

This is a DH problem more than a BM problem IMO.

Andyandme's picture

Submitted by Andyandme on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 2:51pm

Oh I believe this, when he would disagree and they would argue she would tell him he's jealous and still wants her. I think it was when he would talk about the men she dated. I guess he would be concerned who she brought around his daughter but I would get annoyed at this to. But tht would be her response I believe deep down inside she believes he still wants her. I believe she left him and dated a man a week later he was hurt.

Andyandme's picture

Submitted by Andyandme on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 2:15pm

Oh I forgot to mention when she sent the picture of herself when she was a little girl we didn't have his daughter that night she did. But wanted to let him know that sd6 looks like her and thinks that is her in the pic and nt the mom.. What does he care , or maybe he does.

New second wife-step-mom's picture

Submitted by New second wife... on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 3:25pm

IMO, BM is doing that on purpose and your DH is too dumb to see it or maybe like someone else said he just likes the attention. (feeding the ego)

I hate this crap about "for the sake of the child". I have heard that so much I want to puke.

I finally told DH if you would put as much effort into communicating with your child as you do with BM you and SS would have a great relationship!

DH used to throw that "your just jealous" line and the "for the sake of the child" line in my face too until I told him to quite using your child as an excuse to have an INAPPROPRIATE relationship with another woman. ( I got that from someone on here)

I said it over and over to him until he finally stopped saying that crap to me.

I let him know that some things are just not appropriate in a marriage relationship and that "I don't care if you have 10 kids and was married for 45 years I am done listening to your excuses for your behavior".

We (my suggestion, DH agreed) instituted some strong boundaries over the years (ideas from here) and things are so much better.

Yes, BM still calls and I hate it but DH doesn't talk to her everyday and he will let it go to voicemail first.

This is a DH problem not BM.

New second wife-step-mom's picture

Submitted by New second wife... on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 3:35pm

I still want to know just who in the hell he thinks he's married to, sharing your discussion and concerns with that bitch

^^^^ THIS is HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE and I would be p!$$ed! :jawdrop:

Andyandme's picture

Submitted by Andyandme on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 6:22pm

Omg I'm about to scream... It's so frustrating.
So I just jot off the phone with DH and I told him what was bothering me and that I think he needs to stop calling his ex to talk to his daughter everyday we have her 50% of the time but the other 50 he feels like he needs to call and talk with his princess... He replied with he only speaks with ex about his daughter and when he calls ex it's only to speak to his daughter not his ex so I said well I feel that you shouldn't have to call everyday wether I'm wrong about this or not I don't think he needs to call his daughter the days we don't have her but he thinks deferent. We just had another conversation write when i was half way done posting this he thinks I'm just looking for problems and that he doesn't understand why I have a problem with his ex he said of he wanted to be with her he would go and do it so he feels that I need to stop. He doesn't understand I told him it bothers me he asked me wouldn't you want me to be friends with my ex ? He also said he wouldn't have that problem with me being good friends with my ex the problem is my ex still wants to be with me. Now I feel like he's completely wright I'm in the wrong and once again im the one with issues and I'm crazy.