I feel helpless
Hi everyone! 
My name is amy and I am a step parent to a three year old little girl named Hailey and I have been a part of her life for over a year now. I love her very much and we have a very close relationship. She calls me mommy (with permission from her biological mother). I"m having some troubles with her bilogical mother. Part of the problem is that the biological mother (let's call her mom1) is very immature, she spends most of her time partying, drinking and dating bringing guy after guy into Hailey's life. Mom1 neglects her, whenever my husband and I pick up Hailey she is filthy, looks like she hasn't been bathed in days and wearing clothes that are much too small for her. We tried calling CPS, but unfortunately Mom1 found out about it and cleaned up the filthy house and other isssues that were present before CPS arrived...(my husband currently shares joint physical and legal custody with Mom1). Mom1 doesn't work or go to school and admits that she plans on living off of the child support from my husband and her other childs father. After all the drama she has started and all of the stress she has caused me I continue to keep my mouth shut, she has no idea how I really feel about her because I want to keep the peace and save Hailey any emotional heartache in the future. I have done everything I possibly can to make things simple...If Hailey has to see the doctor I always call Mom1 and tell her why, if she minds me taking her, and ask her if she would like to meet us there for the appt. She always declines so I call her after the appts and update her on whats going on. I try to be as calm and respectful as I can be but she still continues to treat me like crap! she starts problems constantly with my husband, she has even tried hitting on him right in front of me!!! I am having a VERY hard time keeping my mouth shut any longer and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and tell her everything i'm thinking but something inside of me says "No Amy, it's not worth it." What should I do?? any advice would be much appreciated!
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Strong boundaries will help a
Strong boundaries will help a lot. Stop deferring so much to the useless Mom1. Your tone is almost apologetic, like she is doing you a favour by allowing you to parent her child. In fact you are doing her an enormous one.
Your desire to "keep the peace" sounds more like the complaints we hear all the time on ST from SMs about bio Dads. They are normally the ones who will do anything to avoid upsetting the bio mother. I would not suggest you start screaming at Mom1, but just be a bit icier in your dealings with her and don't act like she has some sort of power over you. You are a much better mother than she is to her little girl, and you need to give yourself some credit.
Be assertive and if she tries any of her nonsense, put the phone down, walk away, whatever is appropriate to indicate to her that you are not taking it.
Hi Amy Hope your doing ok...
Hi Amy
Hope your doing ok... as I know times like these can be quite tough emotionally and especially internally. Your doing the right thing right now, expressing yourself to people who wont judge you and who may be able to assist you without being harsh. Your caught in the middle of truely expressing yourself to your partner which could make you be seen as yet another person in his life who gives him grief).
Having said that, discuss how seeing his ex hitting on him hurts you, and how in future you as a couple can create boundaries to avoid that in future. Less physical contact...
It goes no further than a car conversation for 5 mins about the kids. Keeps me a little more sane and husband avoids awkwardness. Work out what is best for both of you... its just a little compromise... and may give your partner the opportunity to reassure you of how amazing he thinks you are.
You are an amazing woman to love and care for this child and give her the what she needs holistically. Don't get bogged down with "complete" responsibility as you will probably resent your husband later on... so just share it a little more.
And its hard to say but BM won't go to those appointments, and dont expect her to. She is definitly at a different time in her life... where her priorities are in different places not including her daughter. Coming to that realisation may bring you some peace... as sometimes expecting something almost impossible can bring about alot of anxiety and feelings of pressure... unnecessary frustration.
Work out your schedule and how much you want to care for this child holistically with your husband... and be content with that. Know that she will always have a supportive home to come to and you will be a massive part in her child rearing, you can effect negatively and positively more than you know. You have the positive down packed... Appreciate yourself... Never tal bad about her mum... SD will know the difference when her BM may start talking negatively about you.
Hope this information helps... ive had a few rough times but got through them talking to people on here and getting some experienced advice... and then also releasing alot of 'exoectations' i had on BM.. and realised it was about my energy levels and how much 'caring' i wanted to do for my 3 SK's.
Peace to you and let us know how your going
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the advice!
You're right, I need to let my husband do ALL of the communicating with Mom1! He usually does, and Iv'e only contacted her about the doctors appts because the first time I took her to an appt. I had a signed letter from my husband stating that I had his permission to get Hailey seen by the doctor, my husband forgot to tell Mom1 and she got irritated cuz no one told her how the appt. went (not that she REALLY cares, she just doesn't want to be "left out") So other than that I don't communicate with her...when we do pick up and drop off I use to be more social making small talk to make things less awkward, but now i just don't say anything and make sure that I don't look "happy" to see her, because i'm not lol.
You are right, Mom1 has been giving soooo much anxiety, everytime she texts my husband with something stupid to say or some drama to start an argument I get really worked up, i've found it a big stress reliever to go to the gym and hit up the punching bag lol!
We try not to talk about Mom1 at all when Hailey is with us, because when my husband and I do talk about Mom1 we know that it wont be anything nice...I come from a divorced family so i know what its like to hear one parent bashing the other, my mother did that and it just made me resent her when i was growing up so i'm trying hard to keep that from happening with Hailey. I think her BM is already trying to brainwash her because she has always called me mommy (for over a year) and the last time we picked her up the first thing she said was "Hi Amy!" That has never happened before and it broke my heart, I think her BM is trying to teach her that she's mommy and i'm Amy. Hailey also calls me "daddy's friend" idk where she gets it from but i have a pretty good guess!
I have tried talking to my husband about the flirting, and he says he doesn't notice that she was trying to flirt with him until after I say something. He is never "friendly" when we see her, he is a very blunt and sarcastic person so he has no problem saying exactly whats on his mind, which helps because sometimes it puts BM in her place...she is the problem and i've wanted to say to BM, "Let's get something straight, you and MY husband have no connection what so ever. You and Hailey have a Connection and Josh (my husband) and Hailey have a connection. That's it! so back off..." but I know that would start problems...
My husband is also in the Army so he works long hours and only gets about 4-6 days off a month :/ so that makes it hard to, I am the primary care giver for Hailey a majority of the time. He does take over when he does get home from work so that I can relax, because i'm completely worn out at the end of the day from doing all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry and playing with our daughter in between. It can be very chalenging but I do love being a mother and a housewife I wouldn't trade it for anything, It really does make me feel like i'm accomplishing something wonderful!
Sorry if I wrote too much! I'm new at this lol
Thank you again! Hope to hear from you soon.
Thanks for the advice! You
Thanks for the advice! You brought something to my attention that I didn't really notice before, I think in a way I have felt like she's doimg me a "favor"...But you're right!! I AM the one doing the favor,i'm respectful towards her while at the same time taking good care of Hailey. I think I felt that way because before my husband and I got married BM would let me pick up Hailey on my own and take her out to lunch and other places, even though hailey's dad wasn't there and we weren't even engaged yet.
Before I was married, I even had Hailey living with me for a short period of time because BM was having finacial problems...and my husband is in the Army and was still living in barracks so he couldn't take her, so she asked for my help. I had no problem doing that, but I was working at the time to so I was playing "single parent" and it wasn't easy. I do realize that i'm the one that's been doing all the favors!
I have even thought "What mother would let her ex's girlfriend take her daughter in and care for her the way I did? No way in hell would I let a woman whom I barely knew take care of my chid when her and the ex aren't married and idk how long she will be around." That's what I thought, but oh well! At the time I was just happy I got to spend more time with Hailey and get the experience of being a mom before hand! So I think at the time I was so happy that her mother trusted me to take Hailey that I didn't really think about what a big favor I was doing her.
Lately I have been icier towards her, I use to be more friendly but now when we see her I just don't say anything to her. I'm tired of playing "nice girl" all the time and pretending that what she does doesn't bother me.
Thanks again! Your "tough love" was helpful!
Can't wait to hear from you!
Oh and the CSupport issue...
Oh and the CSupport issue... Speak to legal professionals to assist you in paying the fair amount to the mum, Keep all your "children costs" I know that sounds petty but it helps if you prove your level of support financially. Also another 'tip' i got from a father who was fighting to see his kids - take photo proof... dated of how much she is in your care. As sometimes BM can spontaneously 'drop her in' and not 'officially' declare the days she has spent with you
Just a few things...
Dont know if this helps in the region that you live in.
But handy to do a bit of research... sounds like the csupport thing might get a bit out of hand with BM... They might even consider childrens funds as part of CSupport i dunno...
Yea we need to get the child
Yea we need to get the child support issue under control! it's costing us an arm and a leg, you're right! she ALWAYS asks us to keep her longer or she wont keep her as long as she is supposed to. luckily we have all the dates written down and we keep all of our reciepts so my husband is going to bring that up in court and hopefully get custody and child support better situated. The court date is tomorrow actually! So wish us luck