DD9s BF, so frustrating
DD9 has called me so many times over the last few days so upset and mad at her dad. And I don't know how to help her, it's very frustrating for me.
When DD decided to go with her dad for 3 weeks, she had no idea he was dating a new woman who has 3 kids of her own. Now DD is feeling very left out and pushed aside.
Her dad has a terrible habit of promising her that they'll do XYZ things, to get her excited to see him, and then they don't do XYZ at all and of course she's only 9, she gets upset.
This trip he has spent all his time and money on new GF and her kids and hasn't done ANYTHING with DD. First weekend they were supposed to go to the museum Saturday, then GF had to drive to get her son on Sunday/drive back Monday, so DD and her dad were supposed to go fishing. GF changed her plans and went to get her son Saturday/Sunday...so DD and dearest dad did....NOTHING! Her dad didn't want to do anything without GF, and then Sunday he was too tired and DD went with her dad's mom to Art in the Park while dad stayed home sitting on his butt!
2nd weekend- DD's uncle moved out of dad's house (his brother) on Saturday and GF moved in on Sunday.
3rd weekend is this coming weekend and DD's dad was saying they couldn't go fishing cuz 1) it's too hot and 2) they needed to finish moving GF and kids in and 3) GF isn't here to go with us 4) he's tired from lack of sleep (from GF's 14month old crying the past 2 nights) and 5) they need to start the bathroom remodel this weekend. Upstairs bathroom has a jetted tub that is broken, so everyone has been using the downstairs bathroom for showers. Wah! Had plenty of time to get this done before DD's visit.
So DD calls me crying last night and this morning, upset that her dad hasn't kept any of his promises, they still haven't gone school shopping and he's being hard on her and super lax on GF's kids. He took today off to go do this with her, it's now 12:30 and he's still running around the house, going to pick GF's 15 year old up from driver's ed, etc.
He messaged me on yahoo earlier upset that DD mouthed off to GF's son...so I laid it all on the line for him. She's going through a HUGE transition right now. No longer just her and dad, now she has to share dad. GF and kids weren't supposed to move in til DD came home to me, that got moved up, reminded him of the things he promised they'd do, and haven't done any of it.
Now all the sudden he's told her they'll push the bathroom remodel off til next week and he'll take her fishing this weekend, in his words "so your mother will stop criticizing me". OMFG how childish can this man be??? I was only pointing out facts, not my fault he suddenly has a guilty conscience! You'd think with him not getting to see her very much, he'd put in the effort to do things with her, spend time with her but apparently that's asking too much.
And men say women cause all the problem...PUHLEAZE!
EDIT*** I think DD would understand more if him not doing these things with her were because "life happened" but his excuses are selfish excuses not to do them. He's always used "I'm tired" as an excuse to sit home and do nothing. It being too hot...well it's always going to be too hot if you whine about it being too hot. GF not there to go with them...tough, suck it up. You've done stuff with DD for how many years without GF there to hold your hand!
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Eh...I am kinda on he fence
Eh...I am kinda on he fence on this. I know you want him to do what he says he will do. But it also sounds like you want him to be kind of a Disney dad.
IMHO...he should have never involved you in your DD talking back and you should have not involved yourself in telling him how to do more with DD when she is there.
Good luck!
Oh no, I don't expect him to
Oh no, I don't expect him to be a Disneyland dad at all. Actually that's what he used to be and I'm glad he finally set down rules and is a dad to her instead of just a friend.
But he's the one that bitched and complained that he felt he didn't get enough time with her earlier in the summer and wanted her back for a couple more weeks because he didn't get to spend time doing these things with her.
As far as him involving me, we've always been close friends, co-parents. My daughter is a mommy's girl through and through and sometimes it helps him to get my perspective on things...except for when it's things he doesn't want to hear.
If he's going to spend all his time with GF and her kids, DD could have stayed home with me and gone on the summer weekend trips we already had plans, but instead she's being pushed aside and his only concern right now is pleasing GF and kids.
I agree with Confused68, I
I agree with Confused68, I know he doesn't see her often, but these visits doesn't have to always be FUN every day...life goes on, just as all the step moms on here say they want their skids to blend in with family life, not be on vacation everytime they visit. And I definitely agree that your daughter is going to take her cue from you on how well she adjusts to this new situation. If I were her Dad I'd be upset she's calling and crying to you. I hate it when my SO's ex calls and tells him what he should be doing with his daughters, taken them on vacation, take then shopping, take them out to lunch now...goes on and on!
I never said it had to be fun
I never said it had to be fun every day. My point was he complained he didn't have her enough earlier in the summer to do everything he wanted to do with her. Now he has her and he's ignoring her. Just like this happens to so many bios on here...they get pushed aside when daddy has a "new family"...or bio parents are easier on the skids than the bios kids.
Taking her fishing is not even the same thing as taking her on vacation. It's something they can all go do together as a family. Taking her school shopping- that's not a trip, that's part of our parenting agreement. He pays for half of her back to school supplies and clothes.
No she probably shouldn't be calling and crying to me, but this is a new situation for her, that she wasn't expecting and she's feeling left out and pushed aside. Of course I'm going to talk to her and console her, give her suggestions on how to get along with everyone. AND suggest she talk to her dad herself, to let him know how she's feeling. But I didn't say anything to him until he came to me first, all upset how DD is treating poor STB skids.
I don't call and tell him to do anything, the only time I talk to him about it is when he asks me for my advice. And usually his reaction is not to tell DD that I'm "criticizing him". Usually we get along great. But his whole attitude is changing now that he has to put on a show for this new GF.
Here is my bit on this as we
Here is my bit on this as we kinda went through some similar crap with my DD (at the time 15) and her dad. First he ignored them for his friends and bitched (to the kids) about having to feed them (6 days a month he only wanted to feed them 4 and have me give them dinner 2 of HIS nights), then he called DD a liar in front of his friends when she called him out on hitting her and shoving her into the counter several times (we were still married and yes he did this I'm the one who stopped it) Then he moved a roommate into DD's room and moved her to a closet, and DS to the couch, then moved a woman in to the couch telling the kids it was because her house was flea infested (and when the kids were there she slept in his room so DS could have the couch) kids asked if she was his gf he lied for 2 months (they could hear their bedroom activities) It blew up when he started breaking promises and then his gf attacked my DD and exH stormed off during DS's football game because DD was having fun with SO and I. My DD was D-O-N-E with her dad. Through all this I the BM called him out on his crap told him what the kids were upset with told him to fix it, to stop being an ass he'd shoot back I'm sorry I suck. (okay it's true but I've learned with him this is where he wants me to back peddle and tell him he's great it's okay I'm sure it was a misunderstanding) nope were not married I don't kiss his butt and left it with "yes you do suck"
I realized nothing with him would change unless he choose to change, so DD stopped going for several months, I eventually pushed her to try again but told her she had to bring her complaints to her dad, that it was up to the kids to respectfully stand up for themselves and make their needs and wants known and to hold him accountable for how he was as a dad.
This worked to a point things are better between them in the kids feel they can defend themselves (he is emotionally abusive sometimes we all took it for years and don't anymore) but the kids had to be given permission to do this for themselves, he wouldn't dare listen to me. He finally admitted the woman was his gf (put a spin on why he lied and that it wasn't reeeeaaallly lying) and stopped bitching about feeding them (mostly every once in awhile he will) and he knows if he doesn't act like a dad they won't be there as his children, they don't come complaining to me so much I let them vent but my fall back advice is "you have to take this up with dad I don't control him or his house."
It works for us.