Before meeting my husband I lived with long term SO, we were together about 9 years. Long time. We treated each other as part of s family. We were at each other kids graduation and weddings and were together on holidays with families etc we treated each other as families BUT i have to say being married does provide a different level of commitment.

It is a bit different than my mom saying "this is my daughters boyfriend", "it's my son in law". I don't know why it's different but it's different. I personally prefer being married rather than just having a BF/SO. I don't think there are rules though. Things are different in each family. Some people don't consider BF/GF as serious as husband/wife. And some don't care. Whatever works for you

TBH, I think a longtime partner should be given the same social courtesy as a spouse.

That doesn't mean that the family has to like that person or include them on every social occasion. It does mean that if they invite the Bio parent then their spouse should be invited as an equal footing guest.

That being said, even in bio families, rifts appear and even bio family can be excluded for a variety of reasons including toxic relationships.

I can't imagine that it would be an easy pill to swallow for a child to have a step parent that has made their life hell growing up front and center at their wedding for example.

But that is really only something that might be acceptable in the extreme. Part of being a mature adult is the ability to be around people you may not be in love with and behave appropriately, even if it is only for the sake of someone you care about.

Common law is regarded as just as legally binding as institutional marriage.

If the couple views themselves as married... who the hell am I to make the decision that they aren't, just because they haven't formalized it with a piece of paper? Especially given that the government recognizes it...

I don't think so highly of myself that I think I have the authority to decide the level of commitment from a couple towards each other purely based on whether they signed a paper or not.

By that stupid logic, I would/should hold more respect for the "relationship" a 65 year old man who just married an 8 year old has, than two people who have spent 20 years together, being publicly known to be together, who refer to themselves as spouse... because the 65 year old perv and his child bride have the paper to prove their union.

FFS.

already answered

I think on this board it is an easy stone to throw and makes some people feel superior and is designed to delegitimize the experiences of non-married step parents by saying that they are not 'real' step parents until they are married.

Personally I do think that long term partners should be treated the same way as spouses and hate to see instances where they aren't.

I don't think it's a fair question how people should be treated as it's entirely up to each family. Some families don't care if people are married and some do. It all comes to each family preferences as well what people are willing to put up with. If not being treated as a family is an issue for GF/BF then perhaps staying and suffering is a wrong thing to do. It might be wrong situation all together. Many women put up with a lot of crap from men and their families so they can have a man.

I always wonder what's motivating people. When I got married, everyone knew that my MIL and FIL were not together, and that he had a new partner who didn't attend. MIL and FIL did a lot of stuff as a sort-of couple, because neither brought a partner and neither DH nor I have large immediate families.

I wish he'd brought his partner, but they couldn't get a visa for her and I think there was family drama in the background with FIL's mom as well as MIL over the new partner.

But, for example, I arranged two taxis to pick up MIL, SIL, FIL and FIL's mom who were staying at the same hotel. Because I wasn't pretending that they were still together. Neither was DH.

And if FIL's new partner could have attended, she would have been welcomed as FIL's partner, full-stop.

At the time, FIL was still legally married to MIL and so not married to new partner. For financial reasons, they took about a decade to divorce after new partner came along.

I have a friend who has a really bad SM. Actually, she's probably ok as an SM, she's just a really annoying person! She welcomes her SM for family events, but keeps her distance and doesn't view her SM as family. I guess... she views her like a distant cousin. Welcome and belongs, but not among her intimates. I think that's fine - cordial and inclusive.

I put my pants on today...

Acrat I will put the record straight here- my DH and I are not married. When I joined this site everyone seemed to use the term DH so I did, and then I carried on. The reason why I didn't (won't) marry him is because he was married several times before- and no way am I going to be wife no ?, ever.
However, we have made separate legal provision for our separate families and jointly own the property we live in. I don't make judgements on other people's relationships. I know lots of married people who are only together for financial reasons.
When my daughter got married I let her choose the seating plan. Her dad sat with his girlfriend and I sat at the top table with my DH. It wasn't an issue for anyone- we all had a lovely day. Maybe Fairyland weddings are easier?

It is good to have a choice! I hate the word 'partner' and SO is just so...insignificant. I tend to call him my Other Half- sometimes Better Half. We are too old for boyfriend and are no longer 'lovers,' so that won't do either, but we are more than friends. Occasionally people call him 'your old man,' which makes me smile!
Mostly they just use his name- which seems sensible to me. I always correct people when they say 'hubby' which sounds patronising. I like to see their expression when I say- 'Oh we're not married.'
I would never call him an idiot- although he is one!

Frankly, I don't believe a commitment has to be made "in church" or "in court". Do you commit to being a parent in church or court? Do you commit to be a grandparent or aunt or uncle or brother or dog Mommy in church or court?

I feel that commitments of a legal matter are for court. Commitments of the heart are for church or made spiritually and conducted by an officiant of that particular sentiment (pastor, rabbi, high priestess, ship's captain...). IOW, and IMHO, common-law marriages should be recognized as long as the couple specifies their commitment to the relationship and consider themselves married, united, etc.

Let the burning commence.

Aniki I won't condemn you to the stake- yet! I do believe in marriage- I did it once. It didn't work although I stuck at it for almost twenty years. I learn from my mistakes- unlike DH who has done it numerous times so it didn't work for him either. He seemed to disregard this fact when I met him because he would have married me after our first date! I told him not to ask me, to avoid disappointment.
The role of marriage has always been more of a social contact than a romantic one. Years past women got married because they were financially dependent on men. Men got married because they wanted to have free sex on tap, and raise legitimate children. Sometimes they liked each other, but I like to think they grew to respect each other. I believe true and lasting love between a man and woman is rare and very special.
Attitudes to marriage have changed because women are more independent- they can support themselves and are not so tied by constant pregnancies. We are so lucky that we can make these choices when in the past so many women couldn't.

I was with DH for about 10 years with no intention of getting married. Then one of my closest friends died. In the period of her final illness and the time after her death I realised that if you aren't legally family you have zero rights. DH and I were in a committed long term relationship. We wanted to be the ones to make the life and death decisions for each other. The easiest and cheapest way to achieve this was to get married.

I guess I don't understand long term relationships? I always wonder why are they not married? Is one person not as committed as the other? Is one person opposed to marriage? Is one person scared ? Like DH's best friend dated a gal for years like I want to say 10 or so. She really wanted to get married, DH's friend did not, not because he didn't love her, but he just isn't that kind of pomp and circumstance kind of guy. About a year after they got married his wife cheated on him and left. He will NEVER get married again and he tells every GF that he's had since just that.

DH has another friend who was living with his GF for years before they finally got married in Vegas. Actually asked DH to be in the wedding. 6 MONTHS after they got married, he found out she was cheating and had been for like a year. WTF? I highly doubt he will ever get married again either.

I understand getting burned, but I feel like if you are in a long term relationship vs. being married that it's because there are deep down trust issues?

I am not married, but I am definitely committed, and hope to stick around with the SO until one or both of us signs off of this planet.

We have talked about marriage, but both having gone through divorce, aren't in a real hurry to go through that whole thing again.
I have no doubt my dude is committed to our relationship, and being in my mid-forties, I see no need to "put a ring on it" other than to satisfy the expectations of others (which has no sway on me).

As a matter of fact, I am resisting the societal pressure to get married, because in my case, I feel the commitment is stronger if either of you could walk away without having to unravel a contract, we choose to stay and work on it because it is a worthwhile pursuit that makes us both happy. When I was married, I stayed in it longer than I should have because it was a complicated legal process to terminate.

The longer we are together, the more people will inquire, "when are you guys getting married". My stock response is, things are going really well, not sure I want to mess up a good thing. That usually shuts them up.

As for what we call each other, I kind of enjoy calling him my boyfriend, it's kinda funny at my age. Don't worry so much about what other people think is or isn't legit. It's your life, your love, and you are free to define it in what ever way makes you happy

Not to derail another posting...

Acra posts her own blog so as not to derail another... and her blog is totally derailed. I'm getting off the damn train.

I honestly didn't feel any pressure to be married. I personally didn't marry because of pressure.

Who takes their f*ck buddy around family?? If someone is important enough to bring to family EVENTS, that should indicate a serious relationship. I never had a casual boyfriend over for Thanksgiving or Christmas.

There's something about marriage that spells out permanancy more than living together or being partners for a long time, to most people. In reality i'm sure there are many unmarrieds who last a lot longer than married couples. But somehow, people seem to put more store in marriage. My SD went crazy when we got married, it was like the end of the world to her. Weird.

I will come back in on this. Marriage matters. People do it- sometimes over and over again even if it didn't work out before- maybe the expectation is that this time it will be different- even though a few years in they begin to make the same mistakes. They don't learn- they just think- this time will be ok- but it never is.
I cared very much about my first marriage- I stuck at it for twenty years and still maintain contact with my ex as he is the father of children. He divorced me in the end because he met another woman, but I brought about the separation and insisted he left the family home. I still have his name- it is my right to keep it. I still love him and care about him.
My DH has been married several times- he has no contact with the first few, and he rarely speaks to BM but there is no animosity there, just acceptance.
When I met DH I was in a very vulnerable place and I was grateful that he had come into my life- but I made a conscious decision not to get married. We are committed to each other, but when my FIL asked why we weren't tying the knot I just said people shouldn't keep making the same mistakes. They need to learn from them.
My OSD seemed very keen that we should marry- she said she didn't approve of people 'living in sin' although she is not at all religious and has no concept of sin. Think of a female Donald Trump with no power and you won't be far wrong. I now think she wanted us to marry so she could turn me into the legal rival for her father's attention, and his money. As it is, so has no idea how to treat me- she has no imagination and only sees the world in her own terms. I have taken no money from her (in an inheritance sense), but neither have I given her any. She can't cope with the fairness of it all.
I never regarded them as my step-children- it really did not occur to me until they had succeeded in ruining my life for a time- that this is what in effect they were. I make no apologies for using this site as it has helped me enormously in my efforts to regain control over my life.
As for the idea of what other people think or say- it matters not one jot to me. I do not wear a ring but do not think this keeps me 'on the market.' When I meet someone I don't immediately look at their hands to see if they have jewellery on that denotes their status. I have always been monogamous in my relationships and I believe DH wants our relationship to work. Maybe one day I will change my mind and we will make it legal, but only if the law changes and it would be financially expedient to do so. That is very often why co-habiting couples eventually tie the knot.
The other thing I don't get is the common law thing- if just living together makes you married in the eyes of the law (even in just some states)-then what is the problem with people not getting 'married.' Religion or culture may have more impact that we think. When I separated from my husband I went to see my pastor to tell him. but I asked that he didn't question me on why I had made the decision. I said no one had taken any interest in our marriage for twenty years, so why should they want to know now it was over? He told me hat a relief that was, as he hated listening to tales of marital strife. He said, 'You're doing it because you can.' And he was right. He then told me a story of how he was invited to a wedding anniversary of some significant years- during the 'celebrations' the wife took him on one side and said, 'You know, padre, I would have left him if I could.'
I have never forgotten that conversation- it taught me a lot about what it means to be a woman in the 21st century. I live with my DH and choose not to marry him because I can. I use this site because I can. Thank you for being there for me.

I don't need a piece of paper to prove I am in a committed relationship with my SO.
Been there done it. Don't need to do it again.
My first husband got on my nerves just as much as SO does, if not more. A piece of paper didn't make a difference.