Husband's ex-wife still calls the shots with the (adult) kids
Hi, all -
First-time entrant here, and glad to find this forum. I didn't know where else to turn.
My husband and I have been together for 20 years, married for 11. His first marriage lasted 30 years; mine, 15. He has two adult children; I have one adult child.
When he divorced, his kids stayed with their mother; when I divorced, my daughter came with me. His ex-wife has not remarried, and is still in their old house. My ex-husband has remarried and has moved out of the country with his second wife and their kids.
My husband felt tremendous guilt about "leaving" his kids, which his ex-wife exploited ("leaving" is her word, frequently employed). While they were growing up he was extremely generous with his time and his money, and I supported that 100% - whatever the reason.
Now that his kids are adult and independent, she is still calling the shots - and the kids know it. She claims priority over holidays, not even appearing to want to be fair (IMO). She guilt-trips him to offer to lend them money to buy property (they have plenty).
At first he'll sputter, saying, "She can't do that!" or "I'm not doing that!" But then he capitulates. And I find out about it later, through a slip of the tongue ("Oh, I thought I told you").
They're not my kids, she's not my problem, it's his money and there's plenty to go around. It's not that. It's the principle: When will he ever be his own man? I honestly don't care what he decides to do about any of this - as long as it's his decision, and not hers.
Any advice?
In any event, thank you for letting me vent.
Comments
My guess is that, given that he's
My guess is that, given that he's in his mid-70s, he is who he's going to be, and it's best to accept that and figure out how to live with it.
Welcome to the site!
His marriage lasted 30 yrs and yet he feels guilt over leaving the "kids"? Bizarre, since I imagine his "kids" must have been well into their 20s when the split happened? I agree it's aggravating in the extreme when the controlling ExW is still jerking your husband's chain and squeezing money out of him for his adult offspring - but really he is the problem here - he is going along with it, isn't he? It sounds as if they don't even need his money, but his exW is enjoying making him pay. And what is more, is not telling you until long after the event - which would be the part of it which would make me the most angry.
I once found out that my DH was giving extra money (above and beyond the obscene amount of CS he paid) because ExW and her new husband were in financial difficulties with their mortgage. I was horrified when I found out, and he agreed to stop. At the time, we were living in a small house because of his massive financial CS commitment.
He was married to her for 30
He was married to her for 30 years and you have been married to each other for 20 years, so I take it that as Tog said, DH is likely in his 70s.
Your DH has to make the choice whether he will allow BM to call the shots or not. Only he can allow himself to be "guilted" and manipulated. If he doesn't want her calling the shots, then he needs to put his foot down to his kids and set some boundaries. The kids are going to pick who they want to spend time with on the holidays, not BM. If they really wanted to see DH, they would, but it sounds like they don't. It sounds like DH is concerned about losing his relationship with kids, so he allows his ex to continue to control. In my opinion, if the kids, as old as they likely are, side with BM every time, DH has likely already lost them.
The thing is, he IS his own
The thing is, he IS his own man and he IS making his own decisions. They just aren't decisions that you agree with.
I don't want to come across as a b*tch saying it like that, but after 50 years of dealing with his ex, knowing her games, and having ample opportunity to put his foot down/get therapy to untangle his life from her manipulations/act on his recognition that this is a problem, he hasn't. His unwillingness to change may be less unwillingness and more being comfortable or even happy with the arrangement he has. If he were that put out by it, he'd make changes.
It's a hard pill to swallow as the "new wife" or stepparent to watch our spouses do seemingly idiotic things for their ex or kids and realize that they would rather do that idiotic thing than not do it. We don't have control over whether they do it or not; we only have control over whether we want to sit around and watch them keep doing it.
Your husband is exactly the man he wants to be, because if he wanted to be someone different, he'd take steps to be that other person.
Agreed
He is perhaps making noises to appease you? Im just guessing here, but do you voice your opinions about things and he sais that and then does the opposite (what HE wants) and then doesnt tell you, you get the "hmmm I already mentioned it' or whatever.
Thats called a lie by omission. Perhaps just let him know how you feel, that if he wants to continue to be enmeshed with the ex then you dont want to hear about it?
So - welcome to steptalk!
He does these things to
He does these things to appease his adult children, not necessarily his exwife. If he doesn't bend to mommy's wishes he's "afraid" his adult children will cut him off, otherwise known as guilty daddy syndrome.
Let her have it all.......
Let her have it all........Every holiday, HER's. Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas DAY, MLK B-day, Washingtons Bday, Easter, Passover, HER"s HER's HER"s
Every Birthday,,,HER's.
Make plans and invite the adult kids to go out to dinner or what ever---a few weeks before OR after calender holiday.
4th of July Picnic---HERS
Halloween -HER"S
Hell, give her Fathers Day too. She deserves it LOL
*I am serious...just give her all the holidays and plan something nice before OR after the actually day.. The weight of the bs will be lifted. IF the adult kids back out more than for illness or travel problems. I wouldn't ask them again.
Sorry about this. I can tell it upsets you. Your BM is one of those bm's.