New Stepmom, looking for advice with 8yr old boy...
I am hoping to get some advice. I am not married yet but will be in 2 months. We (my fiance and I) recently bought a house and his son's mother decided that now is the perfect time to allow him to come and stay with his dad. Typically, his dad has him for the summer and holidays, spring break, etc. For sake of this post, I will call him Jr. Well, I have been exposed to Jr. every summer for the past 3 years (living in my home) and he is now 8. Jr. has never really been disrespectful, more so, he just acts like I don't exist unless I am doing something for him or taking him somewhere. This past week, I had to travel for my job. Jr stayed with MY parents and when we went to pick him up, he jumped in his dad's arms and hugged him and was so happy to see him and he turned around and went back down stairs...all while I was standing right next to his dad. This hurt a little bit. His dad had to ask him was he even going to speak to me...Jr said oh, hi and gave me a fake hug.
I try to bond with him but it seems that he is indifferent with me. I know that I am not his dad or his mom, but I take care of him everyday and I want to have a good relationship with him. I am not the type of person to shower with gifts but I try to do nice things every so often, spend time with him, and teach him valuable lessons. Am I expecting too much? I will say that I do not have any kids and I will also say that his father recognizes this and tries to correct it but I am not seeing any progress. What else can we do? I am starting to feel a little aggravated with this situation.
- 8ming4it's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Yeah well welcome to SM land.
Yeah well welcome to SM land. This is something that I have learned, you will never be the mother or the father of these kids. Love them if you can but don't expect much. Celebrate the small victories, and maybe you'll have a few big ones. Be well, realize you married the man and concentrate on that.
I wish I could help you,
I wish I could help you, but.....I've been with my husband for 20 years (Married for 19 of them).
My step-daughter just turned 5 shortly after we met. I was pregnant with our son within a month.
My step-daughter has always been difficult to get close to. She has always been jealous of my relationship with her dad, even though her parents were separated long before I came into the picture (in fact, her mother moved out of her dad's and in with another man). Affection was always forced, more a put on for her dad's sake.
When our son was born, she walked into my hospital room and asked me "When is that baby going to die?" I wanted to postphone the wedding right then and there.
In retrospect, perhaps I should have. My step-daughter is now going on 25, with two kids of her own and openly hates me (i.e. Facebook message "The only one I don't give a damn about is YOU") Her father refuses to stand up for me and complains of being in the middle. After 20 years together, the last two have been very difficult, with my husband being very withdrawn and emotionally distant.
The best advice I can give you is to consider what fabumom said above. And above all, you MUST be certain that if push comes to shove, your husband will put you above ANYONE else, and that includes his children. My brother sat his daughter down when she moved in with him and his wife. He told her that they both loved her, and this was her home as long as she wanted it, BUT that if there was ever a disagreement between her and his wife, he would take his wife's side every time. They had NO problems with my neice that cause strife between them, and I don't doubt it is largely because he sat he down and told her this.
Hope things work out for you.
Stay the Course... being a SP
Stay the Course...
being a SP is more often than not a thankless job. It will take a while, nut it will get better. I found that when I don't make a big deal of things- i.e., SKs don't speak when they see me standing right beside DH- and just kind of shrug and keep smiling and keep living life, SKs are more prone to approach me for hugs, conversation, etc.
They guage things totally differently than we do and what seems like a big deal to us doesn't even register with them.
I get the same treatment. My
I get the same treatment. My BF daughter lives full time with us. She never is really hatelful to me just doesn't acknowledge my importance to her father. I am more like the hired help than a part of her family. It used to hurt but now I am used to it. I tried at first to be like a second mom to her but that is never going to happen and I am at peace with it. Hang in there!