Addressing clinginess

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So, DH and I were talking the other night and DH was telling me that SS9's clinginess was driving him nuts.

There are a lot of kids in my family, but I'm not always aware of what's normal or appropriate for certain ages.

Anyway, SS9 tends to be all over DH. If DH sits down in our oversized chair, SS will get up off the couch and go sit with/on him in the chair. If we're all sitting on the couch (which is pretty big), SS will scooch all the way over as close to DH as he can get, or reach out and grab his hand, or play with his hair, or cuddle up with his head on his chest or shoulder. Even if we're eating. DH usually has to tell him "Hey, you need to finish your lunch" or whatever.

Drives DH nuts. He's not a very touchy-feely person (except with me) and doesn't like being crawled on or pulled on. Especially hates people playing with his hair.

DH doesn't know how to address it and I can't say I know either. SS is being affectionate. It's not right to yell at a kid who's just showing affection. I did tell DH that if SS is doing something that legitimately annoys him (like playing with his hair), he should kindly but firmly tell him not to do that. But it's not like you can just shove a kid away when they're giving you a hug. DH doesn't mind the occasional hug. He just doesn't want SS hanging all over him all the time. Feels like, at almost 9, he shouldn't be interested in that anymore. I can't say I know. I know kids mature at different rates.

Could be insecurity of SS's part. Trying to hold onto his dad. I don't know. He and I aren't very physical with each other when SS is around so it's not like we're rubbing anything in his face.

Thank goodness the baby talk seems to have finally stopped.

SS also has developed a habit of, after his shower, coming downstairs with a towel around his waist and just hovering over DH and standing there for a while until DH tells him to go brush his teeth or asks him, "What are you doing? What are you supposed to be doing right now?" I did tell DH that SS is too old to be anywhere but his bedroom or bathroom without clothes or pajamas on and he agrees. It just frustrates him because SS won't listen. The other night, DH was trying to finish his book and SS came downstairs in his towel and leaned over the back of the chair, over DH's shoulder, and just sort of stayed there. DH looked like he was about to blow. Told him more than once to go back upstairs and finish getting ready for bed. He finally did -- then came back down still undressed. Said there weren't any clean pajama tops. So I said, "You've got clean t-shirts. Sleep in one of those." He looked sort of bewildered, then went back up.

Anyone dealt with this sort of thing or have any insight?

It's not right to yell at a

It's not right to yell at a kid who's just showing affection.

Behavior can be corrected, and proper behavior/independence taught, without yelling (although, I know patience can run thin). What works, depends on the kid. Explaining to him that he's getting too old/big to sit on Dad's lap, that not everybody likes their hair played with, and that running around in a towel is not appropriate, is a start.

If there was a problem with baby talk, it sounds like SS doesn't want to, or is afraid, to grow up. Kids start to realize that the attention that they get (or don't get) changes as they get older and they don't always like that. Maybe he doesn't like it that expectations are different since he is getting older.

Has he always been clingy/touch-feely? Is he babied by BM?

I don't know if he's always

I don't know if he's always been clingy since DH and I have been married for 3 years. He's been that way since I've been living in the house, I know.

I definitely think he's fighting against growing up. He still makes negative comments about being moved up into the older group at his summer/holiday day care program. And once he burst into tears when we decided he'd outgrown some of his clothes and they needed to be donated. We both thought that was really odd.

Yes, DH and I have talked about it and DH plans to talk to him about the towel when SS comes back to our house next week. And to address the clinging when it happens. Also, turns out DH misunderstood something I told him. I once told him to ignore some of SS's behavior (the baby talk) and it would go away. He took that to mean all annoying behavior. I told him, No. When SS is doing something like hanging on you or touching you and you don't like it, you should say something (nicely, but firmly). If he's doing something annoying to get attention, you ignore it.

Like I said, I told DH to ignore the baby talk. It was a cry for attention and if he found it didn't get him any kind of attention or acknowledgement, he'd move on. It worked. At least for now.

I think he is babied by BM, yes. As far as we know, he has no chores or responsibilities over there and if he gets upset or cries about something, she'll coddle him or give in. DH says she's never been able to handle him crying or getting upset. Once he apparently threw a fit about having to do his nightly reading for school. BM broke down and told him he didn't have to do it on nights he had baseball games or practice. DH was livid. When SS was at our house, he was pretty stunned and not happy when we made him do his reading on a baseball night. "Your mom can make the rules at her house. At this house, you always do your homework, whether you have baseball or not." It's odd. She's a well-educated professional and very responsible in a lot of ways. She and I get along just fine and she and DH are able to co-parent with no drama. But it's obvious she spoils SS rotten.

SS spends a lot of time with her parents, too, and I've seen them do the same. One time, at a baseball game, he made a mistake and was called out. I could tell he was crying as he was walking back to the dugout. DH figures that's something for the coaches to handle and SS just needs to learn from the mistake and move on. I saw BM's dad go into the dugout and stay there with him until SS's team took the field. DH was pretty ticked off about that, too.

"fighting against growing up"

You are right and I think that is a huge part of it. My SD12 is the same......she was upset/anxious/crying alot at the end of 5th grade because she didn't want to go in middle school or get older. She acts like a toddler but she is smart so she knows that has to end in middle school.........she clung to baby toys....baby talk....faking sick for attention...etc...leading up to middle school.

Also, if anyone says anything to her about the future or getting older......or even makes remarks about her doing something for her self instead of dadeeee doing it.......she totally glares at them and then turns into a mute looking all sad.....I think she will probably need a pshyc eval when she can no longer order her chicken nuggies off the kids menu b/c she will be 13....

I can barely stand to be around here anymore....mostly b/c I know it's an act and totally fake...........she's only started being clingy over the last year......she hangs on DH, jumps on him, lays on him, follows him around......she never leaves his side when she is at our house....if he goes to take the trash out...she follows....he goes to the bathroom....she follows and waits outside the door talking to him the entire time....he is cooking....she sits at the bar staring at him...he sits on the couch...she sits on his lap...

He hates it. He is trying to hide the fact that it bothers him....but it's crystal clear that he wants to tell her get the hell away from him..........he won't. The kid is babied by BM and MIL.....so....

At least your DH sees it and speaks it........my DH won't say a word about it.

Kids don't learn boundaries

Kids don't learn boundaries if parents don't set limits.

DH needs to talk to him about personal space. He can say, "SS, I know you are being affectionate, but I don't want you touching or sitting on me all the time. Sometimes I will ask you to move away, and it's not because I don't love you. People have different amounts of comfort with being touched and it's important that you recognize that."

Then do it - ask him to move away, let him know he's uncomfortable with certain things, or when he doesn't want to be touched. If he pouts, let him.

Thanks! That's pretty much

Thanks! That's pretty much what I told DH -- that if he doesn't want SS to hang on him or get in his personal space, he needs to tell him. In a nice way, of course. I wanted to run it by y'all here in case there was something I might be missing.

Good way for SS to learn boundaries. Better for him to learn now than when he's older and has a girlfriend or boyfriend and doesn't know how to respect the personal bubble.

"Son, stop touching me and

"Son, stop touching me and being clingy. If you want a hug, ask. But do not hang on me, do not play with my hair, do not crawl in my lap. Ask first. Never leave the bathroom after showering unless you have on a shirt and pants or shorts. You are not a small child. If you do these things you will experience consequences."

Keep it simple.

Its possible that SS wants to

Its possible that SS wants to be acknowledged by his Dad. Its also possible SS has something he wants to say or ask his Dad about but is worried about telling him, or is trying to work up the courage. Can the two spend an afternoon playing catch or something active where SS can't be cuddly but still gets a bit of attention from his Dad? This might decrease SS's feeling of insecurity but won't enable the clingy behaviour. Its also possible for DH to kindly ask SS if there is something he wants to talk about that might be bothering him.

That's a good suggestion. I

That's a good suggestion. I've kind of figured that this may be is his way of holding onto his dad and getting DH's attention.

I'm not sure there's anything SS wants to talk or ask about, though I suppose that's possible. They get a lot of alone time when DH takes him to and picks him up from school and talks to him and encourages him to talk during that time. He also spends some time playing with him when they're home. So, he gets a good bit of one-on-one father-son time.

Still, there could be something up that he hasn't felt comfortable talking about yet -- or that he feels but doesn't understand enough to articulate.

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