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how do I explain to my DH in non-confrontational terms that I want our "kid-free" weekends

4ofus's picture

Submitted by 4ofus on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 11:08am

Dont get me wrong, I love when the kids are there. But I have none of my own just yet-so EOW we don't have them. I enjoy the quiet house, doing things we can't do with them, etc. We have ended up having them at least one night every weekend for the last 4. Once again, tomorrow has been "planned" with the kids. Its supposed to be an off weekend. I really never thought I would make a blog like this, but since we are trying to get pregnant, I realize that I need all the alone time I can before there are no "off" weekends.

I am sure some of my frustration comes from him being laid off and home all the time-I have NO alone time at all these days. Actualy, I take that back-every Wed night he has class until 930, so I rush home to spend a few hours by myself in our home.

so, anywho... he won't completely understand how I feel, but I can tell you that he wants every waking second he can with his kids since he can't see them all the time.(not to say he doesnt plan things without them..but you get my drift). But how do I tell him that I need ME time.. I need US time.. and I don't WANT to plan every waking second with the kids.

Comments

jen76's picture

Submitted by jen76 on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 11:47am

I hear ya. I don't want SD every chance we can get either. We just recently has sd 2 weekends in a row, off one weekend and then had her 10 days straight. That was too much for me! And to top it off she called last night (H didn't hear his cell ring) and I know it is b/c she either wants him to pick her up this weekend again or she wants to know when we will be getting her for a month during the summer. The past two years we have gotten her the month of July, but we agreed that we weren't getting her this summer b/c I will be 8-9 months preganant during that time (and don't think I can handle the stress)and we can't afford the extra expense for daycare/camp ontop of CS. I will actually believe it when I see it that he only gets her for his normal EOW and not 30 days. He can't EVER say no to SD. Don't be surprised if your H takes it the wrong way and thinks that you don't like skids b/c you want time alone. Sometimes they just don't get it! I would just let him know that you love having them there, but you also need your kid free weekends just for you and him to bond. It's very important for a couple to have their time alone with each other especially if you are trying. It kind of kills the mood when you have children in the house. Good Luck!!

4ofus's picture

Submitted by 4ofus on Mon, 06/29/2009 - 1:05pm

well, since we are trying to get preggers..lol the bedroom door has been shutting a lot after the kids are in bed.. so he isn't lacking in that department, although, that is always a good point of negotiation with a man..

Angel's picture

Submitted by Angel on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 12:09pm

do these men marry again and then want to be full time dads? If they want to be daddys and not full husbands (by placing the wife second), they should move close to their kids and see them as often as they want... and not get married until their kids are grown. Ohhhhhhh, but that is not fair to them.....boo hoo! fair is the weather we're having.

ONce you have kids, YOU are not the most important one! GUILT is the bottom line. Have less f guilt by not marrying and being a full time divorced dad. But don't get married and expect the new wife to be happy about being second.

Most women will not be happy being second.

EOW should be respected if that is the deal coming in.

4ofus's picture

Submitted by 4ofus on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 12:54pm

...that we aren't a family in the sense he wants us to be. We are def. a family, and I love those kids sooo much. But...he needs to realize the sacrficies that I make for this "family" and realize when I need room to breath.

belleboudeuse's picture

Submitted by belleboudeuse on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 3:32pm

Would he read articles or literature about stepfamilies and what the challenges and threats are? I know there are online and print sources out there that talk about these issues. Maybe hearing about it from a "professional" -- and considering the hugely high divorce rate for second marriages, would wake him up.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

4ofus's picture

Submitted by 4ofus on Mon, 06/29/2009 - 1:02pm

a very good idea too. He likes to read on the internet, so that may be a way for him to realize that this isn't always something that he can just fly by the seat of his pants on. He has no experience with this..so we are all learning. I am going to start looking now for articles.

Hanny's picture

Submitted by Hanny on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 1:32pm

I know exactly what you mean. My ex husband was the same way. For many years every chance he got we had the 5 boys. Most of our marriage they didn't live in same town, but oldest could drive them all to see us. There was one XMAS that my ex's mother came to visit. the boys were suppose to come down to see us in the afternoon after they had XMAS morning with their mom. Well the day got away from them and they called and said it was too late, and they would head down (2 hour drive) the next morning. Well, my x didn't even want to eat XMAS dinner, wanted to put everything on hold for the BOYS. I was pissed! Finally his mother said to him, well Hanny and I are both here and we want to celebrate XMAS day with or without the Boys. So finally, he decided to finish cooking and we celebrated XMAS day. It was this way until we had our own daughter...we bought a 5 bedroom house...every vacation we took had to be for them, etc. My current BF has his daughter every weekend except 1 a month. And yes, I get mad if we don't get to spend that weekend together. Our big issue, he loves to play golf and since he has his daughter every weekeend except the 1, he usually plays golf on OUR weekend. But since we aren't married and don't even live together...I really can't say much...because it HIS weekend too. But I know where you are coming from.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 3:26pm

in which her DH talked to her about the perspective of a dad who doesn't see his child(ren) every day. It's hard on any good, loving parent to not see their kids everyday. I think that what her DH said echoes what so many of our DHs/BFs/FHs feel.

Here is her blog, and what her DH had to say:
http://steptalk.org/node/13917

I think you should set aside a few hours one night each week for you and DH. Have a nice dinner, be loving towards each other, etc. Make a list of stuff you're willing to compromise on. I.e. if he agrees to put aside a night for couple time every week with you, you'll be willing to compromise with him on things that are important to him, i.e. seeing the kids every weekend and during the week, but you reserve the right to do relaxing stuff without them when they're over.

4ofus's picture

Submitted by 4ofus on Mon, 06/29/2009 - 9:15am

Thank you for posting this... is there anyway you can point me towards that link again? I would def like to hear a man's thoughts on this as well.

Thanks all for your responses, I am forming exactly how to approach DH with this.. especially since we ended up being with the kids Sat. and Sunday again...

gobbism's picture

Submitted by gobbism on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 7:48pm

I asked for it and it was arranged. I sorta recall it taking longer than I would have liked but it happened, it was what we both wanted anyway.

You deserve it.

And when the kids are there be sure to make some alone time, or time with other friends away from DH and kids, especially if you are finding yourself not appreciating them.