I've been lurking and have decided to join and ask for advice...
My SD is 11. My DH dated her mom for 4 months and had broken up with her before finding out she was pregnant. He is not on the childs birth certificate so this gives the mom some kind of power to not share report cards and doctor appointments. We have been to a laywer about trying to get full custody or even just a DNA test to make sure she's his and have some sort of court documents that would give DH some power.DH is not ready to move forward yet. He think this will make BM irrate and that she will talk poorly about us to SD (she already does anyway).
There are many issues but the one I wish to mention today is SD's behaviour, it has gotten increasingly worse over the past 5 years and since October has just been downright nasty. She has erased our honeymoon pictures off the computer (I had them backed up), she has destroyed property (last 2 incidents she smashed a vacuum to bits and also my DD's doll house was kicked around), she talks very rudely to both her father and I, drops her candy wrappers and garbage on the floor just where ever she is, has the messiest room I've ever seen, and has been peeing in her pants since before I meet her (5 years now).
I know my DH sees the poor behaviour but he is reluctant to disipline her as she only is with us a few days per month. I am at the point that I don't want her to come anymore, it's too much extra work for me and she is rude to the other kids, we just don't need the stress.
I am considering calling family services (they already have a file on the mom and another child). What I would like is for SD to be able to get the help she needs. If she is put in foster care it would also mean that she wouldn't be able to come back until there was some sort of documentation saying that DH is her dad. Our family consellor recommended that I do it, DH won't and at the rate SD is going he thinks she'll either be a very young mother or become sucidal. He's read letters from the BM to us and seen her in "action". He doesn't think any good can come from SD continuing to live with BM. Should I do it, DH will be upset if he finds out I made the call.
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Does your dh pay child
Does your dh pay child support? Because if he does, he does have the right to all school and health information.
We have had to fight this with schools before, as non-custodial parent fighting PAS.
_________________________________________________________
"The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself." -
Will Rogers
Get a DNA test first to find
Get a DNA test first to find out if this is really YOUR problem.
If the counselor recommends it, let him do it.
Yes, he pays cs, also we do
Yes, he pays cs, also we do buy her clothing and other items when she needs them. I agree he has a right to it but he won't argue with BM and she has told everyone (meaning all government forms, welfare office, school) that she doesn't know who SD's dad is. If he went to the school they would look in her file and say "nope, you're not listed as her dad". He needs our lawyer to send a letter to BM saying that he wants the info but he's afraid to do that because then she'll tell SD what horrible people we are. Oh yes, PAS, we deal with it, why a parent would want to do that to their child is beyond me.
First- get the DNA done.
First- get the DNA done. (MAKE SURE ITS YOUR DH'S CHILD) You can GET DNA home test kits Online and mail them in for results. Give her, her own hair brush, OR if you can get a swab if she will allow it.
2- peeing her pants at her age is a sign of a abused child. sometimes even sexually abused. I'm NOT saying she WAS. I do NOT know her life or circumstances, but most are.
IF she is his Daughter. I would get her OUT of the HELL HOLE she has lived in all these years.
3- when a child is in foster care, they still allow visitation, mostly at a visitation center. weekly. Some foster parents will allow a family ( if she trusts you) to meet for dinner in a public place,WEEKLY. YOU COULD ASK FOR UNSUPERVISIED ALSO.
DO NOT THINK BECAUSE SHE IS IN FOSTER CARE, YOU CANNOT SEE HER, YOU SURE CAN!!
YOU HAVE A GREAT CHANCE OF WINNING CUSTODY IF SHE IS PLACED IN FOSTER CARE, BUT HE CAN ALWAYS APPLY TO TAKE HIS OWN CHILD, OR ANY FAMILY MEMBER CAN, HIS MOTHER, YOU DOESNT MATTER, THEY PREFER THE CHILD BE WITH FAMILY OVER.."FOSTER CARE". IF HE CONTACTS THE WELFARE DEPT, AND TELLS THEM HE BELIEVES HE IS THE CHILDS BIO-DAD. THEY WILL DO THE DNA TESTS, AND HE COULD GAIN PERMANENT CUSTODY AFTER HE HAS HER IN HIS HOME A FEW MONTHS AND THEY WATCH EVERYTHING GOING ON, ARE YOU WILLING TO HAVE A "HOME STUDY" DONE? THATS WERE THEY DO A BACK GROUND CHECK, AND COME TO YOUR HOME, CHECK THAT ITS SUITABLE FOR THE CHILD TO LIVE, AND ALSO, YOUR INCOMES, FOOD, ETC. AS LONG AS YOU CAN SUPPORT AND PROVIDE A SUITABLE HOME , WITH NO ABUSE OR ANYTHING ILLEGAL YOU COULD GET HER.
DOES YOUR DH WANT HIS CHILD? THATS THE BIGGEST QUESTION?
IF THE BM HAS BEEN UNDER DCF-WELFARE- REPORTED BEFORE AND UNDER THEIR THUMB. IF HE IS THE DAD HE HAS A GREAT CHANCE, IF HE WANTS TO GO THROUGH ALL THIS...ITS NOT EASY.. BUT IT THE CHILDS LIFE THATS AT STAKE HERE,
SHE MIGHT BE ACTING OUT DUE TO THE WAY SHE LIVES WITH BM. IT WILL NOT BE EASY...ESPECIALLY AT HER AGE TO CHANGE EVERYTHING. ITS SAD HE DIDN'T TAKE HER WHEN SHE WAS UNDER 4 YRS OLD..WHEN EVERYTHING IN HER PERSONALITY AND LIFE WAS FORMING
BUT NEVER GIVE UP HOPE..ME...I WOULD CALL IT IN ( CALL FROM A PHONE BOOTH) IF YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO KNOW WHO CALLED IT IN OR CALL HER TEACHER "anonymously". AND TELL THE TEACHER WHAT YOU KNOW AS FACT,
..THE SCHOOL AND TEACHERS HAVE TO BY LAW TURN IN CHILD ABUSE...NO CHILD DESERVES TO BE ABUSED OR NEGLECTED. AND I WOULD FIGHT FOR HER EVERY STEP OF THE WAY IF SHE WERE MINE...BEFORE ANYTHING WORSE CAN HAPPEN TO HER.
GOOD LUCK !!
I agree here Sus , that
I agree here Sus , that child needs an advocate who has her best interests , but first I would want to know if she is really my child .. There are test which you could order for DNA testing , that was a good idea ..
Second for me too is - If she is found to be his from the DNA test and only from the test suitable to be used in court , bring BM to court and get the story heard so that DH can get whats due to him , His Child . . .specially the possibilities of counseling for her , the child that is ..
Angel, if the counsellor
Angel, if the counsellor suspects SD's being abused mentally and emotionally he's required to do it, isn't he? I think he probably did call as soon as we left his office. I'll ask at the next appointment.
Yes, legally the counselor
Yes, legally the counselor has to report it if he suspects child abuse. But do ask him. Let him be the one to do it.
Sus, I'm quite sure that DH
Sus, I'm quite sure that DH doesn't want full custody. I was pushing him to go for it because of all the PAS crap and I thought we'd be able to help her. He doesn't really seem to care about her...that makes me want to cry really, one parent is a nut job and the other doesn't care. She looks like BM and has her attitude to go with it I think that's why he's withdrawing a bit. One night he said to me "I looked at her and all I could see was her mother". He pays the cs and picks her up for 6 days a month, that's it, no parent teacher, no doctors appointments, no question about school or marks etc... I know what he's doing though, he's just hanging on until she's old enough to not come anymore and he thinks he's done his job.
We have a 17 month old and he's a great dad to her so I think it's just the circumstances of how she was concieved and the fact BM is so angry and looking for a fight all the time. Not SD's fault but I think that's what's happening.
Do you think your dh is just
Do you think your dh is just worn out with the drama of dealing with the BM? I think that drives many men away if it is just so horrific, they get beat down by the ex, maybe even start to believe that they are bad for the child, or the child will never accept and respect them as parent, etc.
If you can get the DNA test, and she is proven to be his daughter, it is his duty to look out for her . . maybe he just doesn't think she is his, and maybe you can help him see this?_________________________________________________________
"The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself." -
Will Rogers
Yes Most Evil, I think DH is
Yes Most Evil, I think DH is worn out. What are these BMs thinking when they act like they do. It's been my experience that usually the dad pulls away and calls or spends less time with his child when they know that the BM is going to yell and critize everything they do. Are they not smart enough to see this? I'm a BM also and although my ex can really irriate me I try to let it go and just be glad I don't have to live with him. We need to get along to co-parent and I know my DH is watching and wishing he could do the same with BM.
Oh, as far as the DNA test I
Oh, as far as the DNA test I would have to do it without them knowing. I think it's important to know if he's her BF but regardless we should still help her, shouldn't we? She doesn't have any other father figure and DH is all she knows. After 11 years of paying child support and spending time with her I think the judge would give him parental rights anyway wouldn't he? Even if he's not her BF no one else will be coming forward to claim her.