Seeking Advice
This is my first blog... so bear with me.
I met my boyfriend about 3 years ago and was introduced to his 4 kids 2 years ago, just before we moved in together. I have had a good relationship with the children for the most part. They invite me to their events, ask to do things with, tell me they love me, etc. Their mother flat out hates me and my boyfriend. She goes out of her way to make our lives hard and this is definitely a case of parental alienation.
About a month and a half ago we went to court asking for more time with the kids and she was requesting an increase in child support. We had already had the kids far more than the every other week written in the PSA and she would threaten to take that time away if we did not do what she wanted. The outcome of court was she didn't get an increase in child support and we were given increased time with the kids (guaranteed) for a total of 100 days a year. We felt like it was a win and she made it clear she felt like it was a loss and has been even nastier than normal.
Since court, BM has refused to communicate except through email, had her family members send nasty messages, and refused to follow the judges orders since the new document has not yet been signed. This is all fine and manageable. The real problem I am having is with the kids. They are 6, 8, 12, 13. They are noticeably more distant and will not tell us anything about their time away from us. The 6 year old does not say hi to us when we see him at events if he is with his mother. The 6 year old won't speak to his dad on the phone (the 8 year old does). The 12 and 13 years old barely speak to their dad on the phone anymore. There is a clear feeling that they are holding back and not as open or friendly.
Here is my dilemma... I am ANGRY. It bothers me greatly how they disrespect their father and I know it hurts him. When I express my frustration to him I feel like I am putting him in the middle and he just defends them and blames their mom. Rationally I know she is saying things to them... but that isn't helping me manage my emotions. And I don't feel it justifies their behavior. I feel like we should confront them about their behavior and let them know it's not acceptable. What am I supposed to do?
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They are young children with
They are young children with a bitter mom. Please don’t be mad at the kids. Be warm and loving and beat this BM at her own game. Do the kids have an iPad or something they can FaceTime you on?
BM blocked all the tablets,
BM blocked all the tablets, etc from being able to message on any apps. She has controls set up to approve all apps etc so there is nothing we can do.
I agree that it is definitely
I agree that it is definitely not the kid's fault but I am guilty of misplacing blame on my 12 year old stepdaughter now that she is a tween with an attitude. Do you have all of the nasty messages saved? Does your SO have a lawyer? Maybe, just maybe, presenting this to the judge along with documented behavior and counseling or a GAL to talk to the kids could get you closer to full custody if that's what you're willing to take on. These women make me sick and I surely understand your extreme distaste and/ or hatred for BM. Those poor kids.
Also, can you go to counseling yourself? Don't vent to your SO, he will ALWAYS defend his kids and get sour toward you for bringing up your concerns but you should NOT put up with disrespect. If it continues, you need to make your presence scarce when they are around to prove your point. You are always welcome here.
It makes me feel relief that
It makes me feel relief that someone else understands. I have no one around me who does.
We save everything and document everything that happens. He has a lawyer and we were able to show she is not the sweet accomodating person she claimed using the records. She claimed in court extra time did not need to be written into the agreement as she would just let my SO have the kids whenever he wanted. We will keep documenting but I think we are done with court for a while - both emotionally and financially.
recommendation:
Get the book Divorce Poison so you can understand PAS. You need to understand that those kids are being put thru hell concerning their loyality between parents. A deterimined BM can do a life time of damage that can't be undone. All in the name of revenge. Your role should be the friendly one.. Also, if the website the goes with the book still offers it, get the video Welcome Back Pluto. We got it and its well done. Its designed for kids to watch and your ages are perfect for it.
Facts and critical thinking skills are crucial to teach so the skids can question why things are the way they are and understand they should not be that way. The video helps support that. It gave my bios, and the one skid that watched, the words to use so we could talk about it.
Don't hestitate to blame it on the judge and court either. That takes both parents out of the blame game.
Keep reading and asking questions.
Ordered the book. Thanks!
Ordered the book. Thanks!
and so it begins, and so it
and so it begins, and so it begins.
BM mad her money was effected---kids now distance themselves.
Next is kids reallllyyyy dont want to come see dad. Activity, or bm's 'church' family has something they want to go to. The older ones might take over moms furry by doing crazy stuff inside your home. Potties over flowing, bath tubs overflowing, glasses, dishes broken. NOT all at once but subtle. Your Great Aunt Myrtle's Antique vase handed down generations...broken "accidently''...sometimes beloved family pets start to get sick or injured. If you have young bio's they start getting hurt . Of course everything is an accident OR they have no idea how xyz happened. You may start realizing stuff is stolen. Money, glasses, things that are pretty important. The kids may say they hate him and dont want to come back. They may say they feel uncomfortable at your house and feel better at moms. ANYTHING to tilt visitation back to BM. No visits mean max cs 'awards'
My advise is Watch for this stuff...
I honestly truely hope your husbands kids DO NOT take over for their mom. I hope things will simmer down and your skids are the way they use to be. BLOCK anyone who is sending awful lies and stories to you. BUT be sure to print them out before you hit delete.
If you are interested in
If you are interested in understanding Pathogenic Parenting aka buzz word PAS or pop culter word Parental Alienation search everything Dr. Craig Childress "Parental Alienation"...also check out his youtube vid's. He has a professional webite and a fb page.
*he does say that not all things are Pathogenic Parenting*
Hang in there and lets hope it is not Pathogenic Parenting...gosh it's awful
"we went to court asking for
"we went to court asking for more time with the kids..."
1dog, I would caution against getting too involved in your boyfriends court mess with his ex. There is no "we" regarding you, bf, and the courts. You're the gf and have no legal standing in the court, it's BF, father of the kids vs BM. I'm guessing that the reason BF is seeing his kids more is because of your involvement, encouragement and help, which is great though can you sustain this long term especially if you're angry and now being snubbed by the kids?
It sounds like you're more upset about the whole thing than BF is. Please take a step back from this situation and know that it's a battle that you personally will never will.