When is it right to introduce the SD to her BF? Who should be present when that day comes, how do you talk to her about it?
I have a 16 year old SD and she and her BM tend to be "secretive" or "manipulative" when they are together. My DH adopted her when she was 4 years old after her BF wanted NOTHING to do with her since birth. She is now 16 years old and is obviously curious about her BF. Years ago the BM and my DH spoke and decided that she could decide what she wanted to do when she was 18, however, she has already started to form relationships with the BF's RELATIVES. I am so scared that this will hurt my husband since he's had to idea this process has started, thanks to the BM. I have a feeling my SD is afraid to tell her Dad that she would like to start having relationships with these people in fear of hurting him. She just had a "play date" with her BF's younger sister and niece and has since changed her Facebook profile to reflect that day. She is friends with her Dad on FB, how could she not expect him to wonder "who is in that picture with her?" Why wouldn't she want to protect her Dad? She and her BM are very close and tend to be "sneaky" together when they get BORED. But at my husbands expense? Should I speak to her about this and ask her to be cautious and maybe speak to her Dad about what she has been doing lately? Why would any BM want to create such drama? Another part of me says, "If my husband doesn't mind, why should I? But I am protective of my husband and my SD and don't want to see anyone hurt? Plz help?
That's a really tough
That's a really tough situation. If this man gave up rights to his daughter, then why does he want to be in her life now? He didn't raise her like your DH did, and I don't see how she could consider him or his family part of her family. I am adopted, so I am giving my opinion from that standpoint. My mother didn't want me, I was taken away from her after years of abuse and foster care. I have always strongly felt that my adoptive parents are the only parents I have ever had, and that they are the only ones who deserve to know the woman that I became, and the accomplishments that I have garnered. To be honest though, part of me has always been curious about my birth parents, who they are and what I came from. No, they don't deserve to know me, but I think it is normal for your SD to feel that curiosity. I'm sure she loves your DH dearly as he is her one and only father, but the curiosity of the other man, coupled with the BM pushing her probably just got the best of her. BM should have spoken to your DH before any of this mess ever got started, it was wrong of her to initiate this.
If you think you can have a conversation with her about it without getting upset with her, you should. Or maybe it should be your DH speaking to her about it. Hopefully she is mature enough to know who her true father is, and to admit to your DH that she just wants to know these other people because of their biological connection to her, but that DH will always be her only dad.