When do you throw in the towel?
I have 3 steps and have been married nine years. The two oldest children live with us (as soon as they can defect from the BM, the come to our house). I am so frustrated with their behavior and attitudes and my husband's response to their behaviors. I am ready for the kids to go. They need a dose of tough love and it's time to grow up. They are both lazy, fiscally irresponsible, have poor attitudes, a blatant defiance for house rules, and blowing off school - basically kids who don't want to grow up stuff. I am the no BS parent - I don't tolerate it, can sniff out a lie in a heartbeat and call the kids on their crap. My husband - oblivious, doesn't want to rock the boat - says all kids go through this stuff.
Mind you both he and I were forced to leave home early and make our way in the world without a lot of help. He hands them everything on a silver platter and I am fan of "be hungry" so you can succeed.
My husband's approach is gentle. They don't respect him and they know he will take care of things, so they just don't do what they are supposed to do. They have a pretty good deal going! Do what you want and no consequences. We have the same arguements about what the kids need to do and how we should respond. We arrived at an agreement about the sd, she lives on the college campus and comes home infrequently. I put my foot down and said that I wouldn't live with her anymore. She didn't really want to live with me either. Of course the relationship is damaged and family gatherings are awkward. And I feel terribly guilty that I couldn't be the adult and get past our issues. I stomped my feet to get my way - she goes or I do.
Now the same issues are surfacing with the SS. I told him and my husband that I wouldn't tolerate this situation as long as we tolerated the crap with his sister. He totaled his car, was drinking in the house, smoking pot at school, flunked out of school, doesn't bathe/brush his teeth daily, picks at his fingers and toes - leaving the remnants on the couch (he is no longer allowed to sit on the couch, but does so anyway), tried to get in the Army but was denied, so went back to school only to get D's (in classes he repeated), screwed his girlfriend in our house (when asked not to), purposely comes home late, is fiscally irresponsible and the list could go on.......
I have gone to counseling, I am medicated, I excercise 4 to 5 times a week - don't know what else to do.
And I am ready to stomp my feet again and throw the ss out. What does that say about me? I can' deal with my husbands kids so I pitch a fit? Our relationship is damaged and I don't know what to do. I don't believe either of us are capable of changing our parenting style/expectations.
When do you throw in the towel and call it quits? Why do you stay?
Oh man, I fear that what you
Oh man, I fear that what you are going through now is a picture of what I have to look forward to with my ss who also lives with us. It's a tough way to live..no peace in the home. You asked why others stay...well, I too have contemplated throwing in the towel several times. I guess what keeps me here above all is that despite the crap I have to go through with the ss, I love my husband dearly. Bottom line. He's the father of my own two biokids and he's good to me. It's not easy, and as the teenage angst sets in I wonder if I'll really be able to deal. A friend and I were talking today about owning our choices. It sounds like you are trying really hard to make this situation work. But I wonder if there is a point in time (I wonder this about my own situation, also) where you (I) need that break in order to keep from completely resenting these kids. Is the ss better off living with you? Is there another option? A temporary change to afford you some sanity? I'm mulling over these very same things.
Oh dear, I thought I was
Oh dear, I thought I was reading my own blog. Boy do I know what you are going through. Seriously considering ending a 14 year relationship because deep down I know this madness will never stop. DH will never get beyond his discomfort and will never discipline nor hold his child responsible for anything. For me it is a losing battle. Whish I can give you something encouraging but going through the exact same thing and feel lost myself. I can only offer empathy.
i am going through the exact
i am going through the exact same thing as well, and its heartbreaking. i truly have no answers but know that you are not alone in your struggle. come here and vent....its a starting point.
((hugs))
I, too, fear I am going to be
I, too, fear I am going to be in the same situation with SD15. She is a nonfunctioning teenager that I believe will grow into a nonfunctioning adult. She is incapable of taking responsibility for anything and I don't think she ever will be able to step and do what is required to live your life on your own. I only hope that DH will have the strength to boot her out for her own good when the time comes. DH is very wishy-washy when it comes to SD15 and discipline and accountability. Some days he is so easy on her it makes me want to vomit, other days he is on the same page with me. I hope that you and DH can get together on the issues with your ss and do what is best for the kid in the long run. Tough love is hard, but sometimes it is the only answer.
Thanks to all who responded.
Thanks to all who responded. I am thankful that I am not alone, but sad that so many of us share the same story, fears and concerns. Thankful to have found this forum. Wishing I had reached out sooner. Will most definitely look into the book.
Job Corps! Cut off age is 24,
Job Corps! Cut off age is 24, my BD is 24 now. She's not independent nor respectful nor college material. Her Dad moved away when she was ten & I thought I did a good job as a single mom. Dang! Would the book Stepmonster help me w/her? Besides praying and being on this site I'm lost right now as a parent.
oh how i know it all to well
oh how i know it all to well i have 2 stepkids myself that i deal with and sick of. my husband works 4 to 12. i have then while he works and i also have my 4 kids. the stepkids are very bad they are 16 and 17 . the girl just moved out to live with her grandmom their mother side. they both have drank,smoke pot,and had sex. they would leave the house at nigth and cover for the other. would lie on their mom when they cant get their way so their dad would run and get them. if they cant get their way at my house they lie on use. this has been goin on for 9 years and their dad says they are just teenagers.
Why is it that the fathers
Why is it that the fathers always have to be so lenient on their kids? I have a SD just turned 17 in the beginning of july. She is the most disrespectful, unappreciative, self centered, lazy, spoiled brat I have ever met. Too bad these behaviors didn't come out until after we were married. It all started weeks after we got married (Oct 31st 2010). The attitude is almost unbearable anymore. The thing that bothers me most is that she will disrespect me in front of her father and not only does he not do anything about it, but he will say something like, "both of you stop it" like I am her sibling or something. He has done this to me several times and I am so fed up with it that I would actually consider leaving if it doesn't stop. Also, I am 30 wks pg w/his child. I feel like he is confirming to her that I have no authority over her and she continually back talks me and walks all over me. The real kicker is that in March, we found out she was pregnant too. In february we found drugs in her car while we were driving it and if we were to get pulled over, would have lost our jobs because we are professional cdl drivers. Well, he didn't even have the balls to tell her to take the bus to school. He was just going to let her drive, I put my foot down and took her keys. She threw a fit to daddy about how he should be punishing her and not me. Well, I could have lost my job too, and we both support the household including her expenses. DH has custody, BM pays nothing. Well, she was too far along and couldn't have the abortion that SHE wanted (I can't kill a baby when there is one growing inside of me!), so we offfered to adopt the baby, she refused saying that she doesn't want to have to have it rubbed in her face everyday. She had the baby July 15th, adopted him to a family in Texas, and acts like nothing ever happened. Now mind you, I told him last Sept that she needed to be on the pill and he was in denial. YOu know, "not my daughter". Well, I guess I was right. I told him months before finding the drugs that she was going through way too much money way too fast. She was getting $65 per week for allowance on fridays and it would be gone by sunday night. Now mind you, to earn that $65 there are household chores she has to do and do them a certain way. Well, she would do it half assed, I would say something to him, and we would argue. She would still get paid. This is still going on. I say, dont let her do the chores. Dont pay her, make her get a real job so she can see how good she has it. Sorry so long, not evenfinished, but my laptop is going to die.
He hands them everything on a
He hands them everything on a silver platter and I am fan of "be hungry" so you can succeed.
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Reminds me of one of my favorite "enabling" quotes:
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
Daddy needs to stop his guilty parenting and enabling PRONTO! Until he sees what he is doing and agrees to make changes, I'm afraid it's only going to get worse.
see if maybe your husband
see if maybe your husband will take parenting classes with you. hopefully when you do talk to him about the behaviors he can see where your coming from. you need him on your side. you need to stand united and somehow let him know that your motivations are for the better of ALL (sc included) to live happier lives in the long run. i also find reading books helps because if for no other reason you know you are not alone.
This is a great idea. My SO
This is a great idea.
My SO and I took a parenting class and it really helped him to see what I had been trying to tell him about his kids all along.
I'd actually forgotten we'd done that until I read the post from stepmomnot.