Text message from SD
Many of you have been following the trials and tribulations of my SD14. So back in May when she was last in our house and we had to call the cops on her, I lost my temper with her. In the time since then she has called me names to her father etc. He saw her for about 10 minutes last week and told her that how she reacts to me is not acceptable and that I have been there for her, I was her support, her friend and an adult she confided in.
So long story short I sent an apology to her back in May for how I acted in the moment of chaos in our home, I couldn't deal with her screaming at her father, I could deal with all the drama and for the first time not only scolded her but said I was done with helping her.
So today I receive a text from her that just says "It's fine" and I am not sure of her motive. Is she trying to open up communication? Should I respond? (DH is 100% behind me interacting with her if I want to) She is not getting better, he behavior is out of control and I cannot see her wanting to be in our home but maybe she wants to at least see us. I don't know. I may sit on it for a bit as it was a shock to see her name come up on my phone.
Personally I wouldn't respond
Personally I wouldn't respond and leave this alone. I can't see anything positive coming from this. I can be wrong but if she has not improved why even re-engage in the madness. Save your sanity and let it be......my honest opinion of course.
This is the direction I think
This is the direction I think I am going to go. I think she really needs to reestablish a relationship with her father again before I am involved, they need to work on them (if they are even going to) and then I can be involved. For me it's a slippery-slope of wanting to "fix" their relationship and I finally got to a place where I am not actively doing that. I am not sure her motives or intentions will be good.
You Are Correct
Let father/daughter work on their poo. That should be the first step, and you getting involved would only complicate and dilute that process.
IMO, fourteen is the absolute worst age for girls, so keep your expectations low, low, low and leave them to it.
Ignore her. Sounds like a
Ignore her. Sounds like a little drama ploy to me.
In fact, I would block her number. Whenever she comes to your home, do NOT be alone with her. EVER.
So, does she happen to need
So, does she happen to need something from you now?
If the best she can do is "it
If the best she can do is "it's fine," I'd stay your current course and not respond. If she mends her relationship with her father and starts behaving respectably, then you can reconsider.
Thanks everyone, I was
Thanks everyone, I was already in a place of not responding but felt a bit of guilt about not doing so. But I don't think it will make anything better and DH and her need to figure out them, I am not even part of that equation at this time.
She's just now responding?
She's just now responding?
I would ignore and not get dragged back in.
Yep, ignore. You apologized,
Yep, ignore. You apologized, she accepted, all done.
Did her father get her a birthday gift
And how big was it ? Was it like a $25 I remember your birthday. Or a $500 peace gift.
Just remember Christmas is coming, this it the time where the games start to get that big and $ gift.
He sent her a card, no gift.
He sent her a card, no gift. Originally they are going to do something for her b-day and she kept refusing until the weekend of her b-day she said she didn't want to see him.
This became something bigger
This became something bigger once I got home last night. BM sent sent DH a text stating "SD reached out to SM, I think you should see if she wants to get together with you, maybe have her over for dinner"
I don't trust either one of them, there is always something else behind them being somewhat rational.
I told DH that I wasn't ready to be around her and the fact that they have only talked for 30 minutes total in the last 5 1/2 months that he should have time with her first. I mentioned that I was curious of her motive and DH says "maybe she is feeling guilt on how she has treated me, maybe she misses me, I'm going to be positive about this" I then dropped it because I didn't want to start a fight but one quick comment stating "she is imploding and I'm not sure why she would want you around now with how horrible she is doing in school and she knows that you won't have it?"
He really wants me to be involved in whatever he and SD do together but at this moment I don't want to, I don't trust her at all, and I know everything thing she says when she would be is a lie, there is no relationship because it's all fake. I feel like he is hurt that I want him to have time with her first, I want him to discuss with her what she wants out of her relationship with her dad and DH"s expectations for how she behaves in and out of our home. I don't want to be involved in this conversation at all! Any advice on how to handle this? I am thinking she reached out to me because I always made it easier for her and DH to have a conversation and she may not want to see if alone.
Something very similar
Something very similar happened here (though not involving me) when SS had been alienated around 9 months. He started demanding stuff of his from our house, and then BM called DH and said he was "reaching out" and gave her usual controlling suggestions of how he should handle it. DH and I talked about it (and with a person we were consulting with at the time regarding the alienation), and it was decided that DH would let him know that if he wanted stuff from his room, he had to come over and get it himself. He eventually did come over, after a couple of months and he was his usual self, even told DH he loved him before he left. He didn't even really take anything from his room. He came one more time after that, got mad at something DH said, and was gone for another 2.5 years.
I personally think BM was afraid DH was going to take her to court, so she encouraged it. You should just let your DH handle it. He should have her over, but NOT discuss anything heavy, just have a pleasant time with her. The time to address issues is not on the first visit.
I was there when SS came over, he likes me and that was fine. You can be there, but just plan to have a light-hearted visit and not jump into the issues or "expectations" or anything like that, unless something comes up that needs to be addressed.
I suppose light hearted
I suppose light hearted conversation is tricky since all SD does is get in trouble. It's hard to have a carefree time because she is having significant incidents at school and life daily. There is nothing normal about the decisions she is making. So the challenge is how to just have a good time with her, even leading up to her not being in our home every minute she was with us was dealing with all the issues. It wasn't light hearted ever unless I demand that we all just do something that wasn't talking about her lack of respect or 6-8 hours of homework that she would then rip up and run upstairs.
It's been awhile since things have been light hearted.
It was the same for us before
It was the same for us before SS PAS'd out, and when he came over to see us. He was doing terribly in school. But neither of you can parent the way you want to anymore. So just have her over for a dinner (SS stayed 2 hours the first time he came) and focus on rebuilding the relationship. I know it seems wrong, but it is what it is, and the most important thing is that the lines of communication are reopened. Just for starters.
Dealing with alienated kids is tough.
Texting, "It's fine," months
Texting, "It's fine," months after your apology is NOT reaching out, BM is the one who is reaching, calling 2 words "reaching out".
For sure, they are up to something. I agree that you should have nothing to do with it, this is between your husband and his daughter. But, it's no wonder that he wants you involved, as that buffer.
Of course, your husband is reaching also, thinking that SD is feeling guilty for how she treated him. She texted TWO WORDS to YOU, in response to your apology back in May. What does that have to do with how she treated HIM? If that's how he wants to see it, fine, but he doesn't need to drag you into his delusion.
DH didn't see it that way
DH didn't see it that way when we had a conversation. He was defensive when I am trying to rationally expain why he needs to re-connect with his daughter before I am involved. I told him "I don't trust her" he responds "I Know" and I said "She isn't trust worthy" and he responds "I Know" but then when I said I need to allow him the space, that I cannot be a buffer (and I am pretty certain that SD wants me there as a buffer too and may refuse to keep seeing him if he is alone) that I need to emotionally not be involved until she has proven herself he first got all defensive like "Fine I will keep my relationship with my daughter seperate from my relationship with you" and I said "that isn't what I am saying, I am not saying I never want a relationship with her, I am saying right now it's up to you two to figure out your relationship because if you dont have one with her I don't matter in the equation" I worry he will resent me for this and i'll cave if the time comes. He sent her a message Friday night about getting together this week and she hasn't responded as I am almost certain she is trying to get me to respond, but to what? Her 5 month old acceptance of my apology but she has yet to own her own actions. I am NOT the reason she isn't seeing her dad, I was MOST likely the reason she continued to come to our home for so long, she never wanted to be there.