Teenage SD and im only 22!
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I need a little guidance, my boyfriend and I just took in his 15 year old daughter, she's awesome and not a bad kid, but she boy crazy and not doing to well in school. Now there is quit an age difference between her father and I and not so much with the daughter, I asked if my age bothered her she said no, she looks at me more as a friend that's easy to talk to, how do I still be easy to talk to but still be the parent too, she doesn't need a friend in me right now, she needs stability and guidance how do I find the line between friend and parent when were so close in age but still get her to understand that I understand it wasn't that long ago I was a struggling teenagers. Please any advice would be nice, im so lost. 
thank you
Well, its hard. There's a
Well, its hard. There's a larger age gap between myself and DH (14 years) than myself and SD (10 years). Your SD sounds just like mine - failing school and running around with boys. Honestly, I've found that the thing that has saved my sanity the most is not engaging unless it directly affects/involves me.
Yea but how do I not engage
Yea but how do I not engage myself with my own family, regardless to how she's acting she's still my boyfriends Daughter and she's still part of his backage, I can't not engage myself, that's pretty much what were doing now, were just not involved. I feel like I should step up and help her through this stuff its hard being a teenager and we've all been there once before. I don't want to push her away but I still want her to take me seriously im not sure if not engaing myself in the situation is the best option, mainly because were all new at this including dad he hasn't seen her sence she was 7 so there's underlying issues too.
I know what you're saying-
I know what you're saying- I've been there. I thought that when DH and I got together I was going to be this great role model, that SD and I were going to get along so great and that I was going to turn things around for her cause she'd listen to me because I wasn't so much older than her. That's not how it worked out.
SD doesn't listen to me one iota BECAUSE of the little gap. She thinks I'm more like a friend, more lenient because I'm younger than her parents. DH is very laid back when it comes to parenting- that and her attitude reagarding me has done nothing but create frustration. I'm frustrated SD won't listen to me, and why would she- she's never seen me as a parent? I'm frustrated that DH is so laid back with her- which makes me resent DH and causes friction and tension in our relationship.
Everything got wayyy better when I stepped back and let DH handle things. If I'm not involved, then I don't have to get frustrated and mad when things aren't done or go my way.
Not engaging doesn't mean you have to ignore her or not help her, but realize that you aren't her parent and can't change things more than her parents are willing to. I can preach to DH until I'm blue in the face about how *I* want things done with SD- but in the end that's up to DH and BM.
I may not be her parent but I
I may not be her parent but I can mentor her to make the right choices, she sees her father and I working hard, but unfortanilty were not all blessed with college educations and highschool diplomas, which then goes back to how do we tell her that she can be better than what we are, she can go off and do bigger and better things if she only makes the right choices.
How can you mentor her to
How can you mentor her to make the right choices? You have 6 more years of life. That doesn't make you more experienced. You're not blessed with HS diplomas & college educations? That's not so much a blessing but more an achievement. It's something we strive to achieve or give up on & go without.
THAT statement alone indicates that you are not equipped to mentor this girl.
It condescending to speak to a girl 6 years your junior as though you've got years of wisdom she doesn't have.
It really just sounds like you're playing house.
I know...BLESSED with a
I know...BLESSED with a diploma? Last I checked, a basic high school education requires showing up. The government fully picks up the tab. You just have to want it.
BLESSED with a college degree? Ha! I'm working my ASS OFF to put myself through school AND work full time. Why? Not because it's a blessing, but because it's a goal I've set for myself.
This OP sounds like a teenager herself. Just because she's shacking up with a dirty old man doesn't make her the voice of wise experience!
And were not broke either, we
And were not broke either, we have a morage on a home and money in the bank, we've been blessed with well paying jobs and some of the finer things, we work hard for what we have regardless . But there's a line to what I can explain to her and what she'll understand.
This, this, 100 times
This, this, 100 times this.
OP, you CANNOT be viewed as a "mother" figure. Hell, her dad has been MIA for more than half of her life, and when he comes back, he has a live in GF just a few years older than his daughter.
An adult SM who's been around years has a hard time "parenting" a teen. You have NO shot. Don't even try.
So we do a pretty good job of
So we do a pretty good job of showing her hard work, but she's a teenager and getting her to motivate and listen up is hard.
Well what message are her Dad
Well what message are her Dad and I sending her? Because im confused to what she thinks is important in life.
Um, the fact you had to ask
Um, the fact you had to ask that question answers it all.
Honey, you're just a baby. Hell, you're JUST legal to drink a beer!
WTH are you doing with an old man, who has had nothing to do with his daughter for YEARS, who is almost your age?!?
I have to agree. This man is
I have to agree. This man is a lot older than you. And yes, I know you think you have all the answers or know what direction your life is heading. However in 10 years your perspective will change 180 degrees.
But seriously, you cannot EVER be her step parent. You have the same age gap as my 2 daughters. Hell you could BE my 2 daughters. She will look at you as a friend but as her father's girlfriend first. She knows full well that everything she tells you will be headed right back to her father. So she will tell you anything she wants him to know. Seriously, you expect to be a good role model? You are living with an older man. You do not have a college education. And yes, it is achievable of you really want one. Yet you tell her "Don't do what we did. Be better." What is better for her. Do you want her to be living with a much older man in 7 years time and taking care of his 15 yr old that he hardly knows? Because actions speak louder than words. Your actions are screaming "See, you can be happy wihtout a college education and have a mortgage."
Do not try and 'mother' her because she will laugh at you. If anything make sure she is on birth control.
Sorry, I can't see how you
Sorry, I can't see how you can ever be a "mother type role model" to her. Sorry, I think that at 22, her dad is actuallly pretty selfish to be putting someone who has just begun to live her life in this mess. What could happen is that in 2 years she will meet some old man like her dad and there won't be much that neither daddy nor you can do. Sorry, I am not angry at you. I think you are a great woman at the tender age of 22 to try to help this girl. I do think your boyfriend is sick, just sick to put someone so young in this situation. That is as selfish as they get.
I wouldn't tell you to leave
I wouldn't tell you to leave this guy (though it'd be in your best interest to RUN like hell and find a young man with NO kids and start your own family) but I would say DON'T even attempt to parent his kid. I am nearly 50 and have 3 teens of my own and two step teens and I try very hard not to parent SO's kids. Let your bf do the parenting, and maybe you should at the very least start taking night classes.
Maybe you just had a
Maybe you just had a birthday! Take the good advice on here and forget the rest. Be the kind of parent figure you wished you had. You have a good job. Try to save up some money that's just yours so you don't feel dependent on your bf. Help her study, spend time with her, get to know her, try not to give her advice if you can...just listen. Be her friend but not her bff...that's too close. You sound like a very caring person. Hope things work out well!
Thanks witsend for the
Thanks witsend for the supportive advice, unfortantly y'all don't know the whole story, I have college experance just because I choose to not go farther than associates and I graduated from high school and happen to meet a man that had a child at a young age, somehow I don't honestly find this website usefull, I refuse to push her away or unengage from her life, and its the 21st century find a nice younge man without a child isn't going to happen, I choose this path in my life and it is the right one, I will deal with the hand god has delt me. I am much wiser than y'all think.
Finding a young man without
Finding a young man without kids is easy if you know where to look for them.
They are on college campuses and in college towns. My son will be 21 in October. None of his friends have kids. All of these young men are in college having the time of their lives.
It's hard to find a 30, 40 or 50 something man without kids. 20 somethings without kids are a dime a dozen.
and im not dependant either,
and im not dependant either, all this is mine the moneys mine the house is mine which I worked hard for, I didn't get one of those loans that were handed out, so its not like he scooped me and said take care of my kid.
This stuff is acually just
This stuff is acually just harsh. Thanks for the advice id rather just stay lost.
Also let's not get so
Also let's not get so judgmental on my family. None of us can be perfect, were not all soccer moms trust me im not, but if our daughter at 20 years old meet a man that was 30 as awesome as mine and a man that treated her right and with love and respect then so be it, shell be an adult. Right now this isn't about my age and my college and my fathers highschool education, there's a child involved. And downing my choices aren't helping her any.
I would not try and be a
I would not try and be a parent. Let the bios do (or fail to do) their jobs. Serious here - you'll do this kid more good by being a good friend she can lean on.
Hi , I'm 32 Boyfriend is 43
Hi , I'm 32 Boyfriend is 43 ..SD is 16 !
I thought we were going to get along great and all. But she is boy crazy as well, I didn't finish High School either , I know I'm not her to play Mother , Her Mom passed away. So I'm here are her Dad's new girlfriend whom is still not quiet official for we have not married. She is aware that I'm here now ..and could walk away tomorrow if I wanted to since we have not married. What I do is talk to her like a friend. Tell her that she is worth a lot and deserves to have a boyfriend that will respect her. I try to give just little doses of wisdom of what I have learned . I find it hard being 32 ! and you are only 22 ! Having stepchildren is not as easy as I thought it would be. He has a 11 year old daughter that is very picky. Just Relax ..Your Boyfriend needs to step up and be the parent, I have to let him deal with them ..I can only do so much ..I have learned that we all chose out destiny and you can only hope a teenager will make good choices for they will pay for the consequences.
Wow im kinda stunned at some
Wow im kinda stunned at some f the reactions you've gotten, im 29, bf is 48 and his children are 15 & 17 so im not as close in age as you are with the kid but i do understand your dilemma. The only advice i can give is, be a parent... sounds strange but if you act like a parent your age won't matter, both of my SKs comment all the time about me being old fashioned or a prude in comparison to their liberal father (how very little they know lol) but they love me and speak openly with me given i can remember that age a little better then their parents i can sympathize a bit more (also catch on to their scams a little faster cause i pulled them not that long ago) lol. Just show her love and discipline when she needs it and be real with her, set an example, as long as you and ur bf support each others parenting (easier said then done), your age is only an issue if you make it one
Good luck