Struggling
Hello all,
I'm new to this forum, hoping advice will help set my mind straight.
I have two teenage step children (who I have known since they were 2 and 3 years old- they are now 14+ 15!) as well as my husband and our little boy.
The eldest step child 15 (boy), lives with us and is a delight. We get on very well (he does not get on with his BM and for good reasons- we still do the right thing and encourage him to have a relationship with BM but at his own pace)
The step daughter however (14) has been going through a tough time at school and her behaviour has been eratic for the past 18 months causing stress of extreme levels for everyone. She still spends 50/50 time between our home and her BM.
Anyway, long story short, after being in her life for the past 12 years as a 'mother figure', for the first time this morning she said 'I am not your daughter'. Well that just kind of took my breath away a bit.
This was because I said she wasn't allowed her phone because she has been in trouble at school (again!). So she has said this out of anger (which is normally the truth).
if that is truly how she feels, I don't know how to respond. I think with everything going on I just need to give up on her as it is making me ill- but doing this would put a riff between me and DH. The boys would be witness to this and they shouldn't suffer.
any advice would be welcome.
rant over
Welcome!
Welcome!
You really aren't her mother, no need to be upset about what is true! This is common for stepkids, especially ones who have both bio parents in their life, to start chafing against stepparents being a disciplinarian when they become teens, and start saying just what she said to you. Especially if they feel they have to be loyal to their bio mother.
She may come around as she gets older, or she may not - but either way, it's time to back off and let DH do the parenting. You can still have a positive relationship with her, just not in a parent role.
Welcome to the site!
Always nice to welcome a new UK member ;-) I would indeed step back from the heavy duty parenting of your SD, and let your DH do it. There is a whole section here on "disengagement". You don't even need to discuss it first with your DH - or if you feel that you want to, just do it in a very low key way and say it's best if he deals with her from now on as she seems to be resentful of you doing it. Disengagement can be as little or much as the situation demands - in the days when my SDs were coming over EOW, I was pleasant and civil to my them but had very little to do with them, other than eating dinner. I let DH handle everything to do with them.
Welcome. I hope that you find
Welcome. I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful perspective ad advice from others who are living the dream of the blended family adventure.
So.... if she is "not your daughter" demonstrate what that means. Quit doing the things that you do for a daughter. No more cooking or setting a place for her at the family dinner table, no more rides anywhere, shut off her cell phone completely, no more doing her laundry or providing anything. She is not allowed to turn on a light in the home, use the shower or toilets, etc....
At the end of that day sit her down and explain to her that you are the only one who gets to decide whether or not she is your daughter and she has no experienced what her NOT being your daughter feels like.
No one but us chooses if we will be a parent to our Skids.
I for one do not accept the usual hormonal teen excuses for shitty kid behavior. My wife and I established behavioral standards in our home, we enforced those standards and if the kid chose to violate those standards he experience consequences. The why of his choice didn't matter. That he made that choice is what mattered. I became SS-27's dad when his mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo. So, like you have with your Skids, his mom and I raised him as equity parents in effect I raised him as my own since he was a toddler.
My SS never played the "You're not my dad" card or the "I'm not your son" card. I suppose I am fortunate that is the case.
Adopt a direct cause and effect model with her demonstrating both the facts that she is your daughter and what advantages come with that as well as the consequences that come with her not being your daughter if that is her choice.
I know that this is heartbreaking for you. But keeping your head in the game and addressing this as the poor choices and behavioral problems will make it much easier to deal with than if you let her put you through an emotional wringer.
Good luck.