My DS is 15, and I have a DD17. When I was 3 months pregnant with DS15, my firstDH was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor. He was given 6 months to live, but far exceeded that - he passed when my DS was 3 years old and my DD was 5.

I think the best thing I ever did was get them into counseling, I took them to a place that is specifically for grieving children. Not only were the counselors well-versed in this, but my kids had the opportunity to be with other kids in their age groups who had also lost parents.

But I will tell you that my kids, even now, are not terribly close to my now-DH even though we've been married for 8 years. Yes, we had the up and down steplife and not everything was peachy but I think with kids, there is always going to be that element of "not my real parent". My DD has memories of my first DH, my son pretty much doesn't which I think sometimes makes it harder (even I, at 48, get anxious when I think about my own dad who I lost 16 years ago and I can't recall the sound of his voice or his "image" is blurry in my mind).

Question for you -- how is the relationship with the biomom's family? Is it good or somewhat contentious? My first DH's family pretty much turned their backs when my DH became gravely ill at the end (they couldn't handle it, so they ignored us) and then started in with the trying to get custody of my kids stuff after he passed (although they had no basis, other than thinking I'd never allow them to see their own grandkids -- I'm not a "bad" mom by any stretch). It got worse when I started dating my now-DH and got married. I know they criticize our family to my kids, which I'm sure makes it difficult for DS and DD.

I think you and your DH are doing the right thing by getting them into counseling. I think you hit the nail on the head believing that feelings/outlook changed when they read her journal. Reading her pour out her soul and grieve what she felt was coming had to be very difficult, especially at their young ages.

Good luck, and I wish you the best in all of this.

Their dead mother is an angel and a saint in their minds, despite them growing up calling you "Mom". Then, during formative teen years, they stumble upon her diary where she says her heart would break if another woman was called "Mom" and allowed to raise her kids.

Their undeveloped teen brains can not wrap their heads around this. They can't understand that DH never knew this, or that even if he did, he likely would not have chosen a life of chastity in honor of the dead momma. In the minds of immature teens, that is what they likely think should have happened.

So of course their worlds are upside down. Of course they are enraged. They suddenly feel like they committed the ultimate betrayal against fantasy angel Mom. In their teen brains, there is likely no crime more heinous.

So let them call you Abby. You won't be "Mom" again. Ever. It might go far for you to mention that you had no knowledge of the diary, or their mothers concerns. If you had, you would have not been "Mom", but maybe Me-Maw or Nana or another term of endearment. Let them know it's ok to put the title "Mom" on a shelf just for Mom. You still love them, but you respect that it means a lot to them to hold that title for their bio mother.

Good advise furkidsforme.

Good advise furkidsforme.

I would have been tempted to tell them that to you they were somebody else's babies -- therefore "fake" babies, as the kids were saying. You should have turned your back on their helpless little selves. You could never love "fake" children. They have to be blood.

Since Dad could never be "mom" either, he should have just left them out on a rock in the wilderness like the ancients did.

Then I would take them out to the grave every single day. For about 3 or 4 hours every time. Maybe all day.

Take their logic to its natural conclusion. Let them see where it leads. They will learn if they can't spend their lives worshiping at a grave, neither could their dad. They will figure out she chose to love them just like they can choose to love her - blood ties are irrelevant.

I just can't buy into the idea that teens are supposed to be terrible and the rest of us have to just let them be terrible. Life is now. Not when they "grow out of it." Life is now.

You know, I might also point out to them that in court such a diary is usually not admissible evidence. It's for the very key reason that you can not cross examine the person who made the statements.

We are unable to ask this woman, "did you mean when you wrote this that you hoped these babies would be motherless? Were you writing about your feelings of fear for yourself or were you writing about your hopes for your babies? If you had lived and you proceeded to divorce would you have expected the babies' father to remain single and would you have remained single, too? Do you currently want your teen kids to feel overwhelmed with grief, arrested in their development, and turn their backs on people who were kind to them? Are you celebrating that your kids are now miserable and angry and alienated in their own home? Or would you rather they continued with a healthy adolescence in the loving home created by people who love them? Was it your especial desire that nobody love them after you died?"

Etc. and so forth.

Abby L, I can only imagine how hurtful it must be to have children you have raised as your own treat you this way. My beloved DH was a widower with four mostly grown children when we started dating. His first wife had suffered a long battle with cancer, which the kids had to witness. I have been lucky to have good relationships with my stepkids and certainly never expected them to consider me as Mom. But I have watched them go thru some difficult periods that I attribute mostly to grief from their mother's death. Your situation seems somewhat similar, with the kids finding the diary & reconnecting with their BM. SD20 and I went through a rough patch for awhile. It seemed as though anything I suggested on any topic, she would find a way to do the opposite. So I took a step back, quit making suggestions or observations and for the most part quit doing anything for her. It has helped our relationship alot. I never intended to do so, but have wondered if she thought I was trying to take her mother's place. I think the kids will eventually find their way back to you, but it may take quite a long time. My suggestion would be to give them as much space as you can. And wholeheartedly agree with earlier comment, get a puppy!

Very good advice. Tell your DH to just back off of them for now. You can disengage for little bit too.

I would bet that after they have processed all of the info they have, they will start to rebuild a relationship with you again.

Right now, they feel they have let their Mother down and they feel guilt. As they mature more, they will be able to move forward easier.

Yes, back off, not for just their sakes, but for your own. Give your heart time to heal.

And I agree...no more "mom" type things. They are old enough to know that their words and actions are hurtful and there are consequences to such actions, regardless of the reasons behind their words and actions.

"Fake" family indeed.....that actually kind of pisses me off. What about adopted children? Foster children? Children of gay couples? Children being raised by other family members? Is everything outside of a nuclear mom/dad situation a "fake" family? That's just crap right there and I think they need to be called out on that, whether they are hurting or not.

That's a sad story. Unfortunately, it does not change this important fact: NOTHING TRUMPS BLOOD. I learned this the hard way over the years, as have many others on this site. In a sense, you actually have the scenario most conducive to success (bio-parent is deceased), and you are still having problems. It is even worse when the bio-parent is still around.

I'm sure you're still working through all of your feelings, but in the end I'll think you'll be happier if you just disengage and let your DH handle things. You can't make the skids love you, and based on what you've shared, they're not likely to start loving you on their own. That really sucks.