Stepdaughter is out of state but is allowed to do what she wants when she arrives.
Hello,
This is my first post. My "stepdaughter" lives out of state. It is in quotes because I am not married to her dad. Him and I have 1 child and he has 2 others but I want to post about one of the children and the situation first. The other child lived with us for a while but after his dangerous actions, he had to be kicked out. His two kids do live with their mom, stepdad and stepsister (when she visits).
I could use support, advice and strategies.
Her parents hate each other. I would use that word even though it is strong. It's very very tense. When she comes to my home (actually my home that I just bought -my first), her dad does not give and enforce rules or guidelines but will yell once and a while at her. I have regularly expressed my anger, concern, etc that he needs to support me with the conversation or he needs to have the conversation with her. She is old enough to clean up after herself and clean herself yet those are not asked of her by him. I have told her that I don't want her to eat in her room because right away she did it. She seemed to follow that one. She is very creative and likes to paint. However, putting the paint and supplies away doesn't happen. Also, it gets on the floor and other places. I also have a toddler that I don't want to get into it when she leaves it. I've said that. I'm not being supported so I get pissed off and wait to say something to him because I feel I will flip on her and instead I flip on him. She has told her dad she "does what she wants" at her mom's house who is remarried. I get very anxious when there is an impending visit. I feel she is also influenced her brother that was kicked out.
She also had her cycle and bled all over the sheets but decided to shove that sheet under the bed and made the rest of the bed when she left. I can see that she may be embarrassed so could someone help me with how to address that with her? She literally doesn't shower for days and gets really funky along with everything in the room. How can I talk with her about hygiene and taking care of herself especially during that time of the month.
It seems there is passive aggressiveness going on. I feel like I cannot wait on him to talk with her because he has a bad track record on that. Maybe feelings of guilt because he doesn't see her although that won't serve her positively either.
I want to be supportive but I also don't want kindness to be taken for weakness. I need to talk with her and explain what I need her to follow when she is here. There is more but I will stop here.
Thoughts? Help needed. She arrives tomorrow after no visit since July.
My advice, is that its your
My advice, is that its your house so you need to take control. If her father doesn't like the rules that you have made, he can take his visitation elsewhere.
Put your foot down- you aren't asking for anything that a properly raised child wouldn't be doing anyway. These are the very basic life skills and courtesies that you have when you are in a home with a family. Remind your BF of that and that either you present a united front of these matters or he can leave the house to have his visitations.
Another question...
Thank you for your response. How would you suggest I start that conversation? I have had the united front convo with him in the past and told him he will need to go elsewhere if this isn't resolved. I will have the conversation but I'm trying to figure the best way to start it. I hate drama, unrest, and unbalanced energy.
Very simply put:
Very simply put:
"I am not responsible to take care of your daughter or parent her during your visitation. If you expect me to set rules for her in my home, then you need to back me up and enforce the rules I set. If you can't do this, then you need to take your daughter elsewhere during visitation. I will not have your lack parenting/structure/discipline set the precedence for expectations in my home or disrupt how my household functions.
Is he an equally crappy
Is he an equally crappy parent to you children? Look, I get that he might not want to make things so restrictive that she won't visit.. but this is his child... he should be responsible for her.
You might want to start out with a pre-planning for her arrival explaining to him that "it didn't go particularly well last time because she wasn't used to the rules and he didn't enforce them".
Set your expectations.. your hills to die on.
1. She seemed like she needes some direction on her hygiene.. that is HIS responsibility as a parent to remind her to shower.. to ensure that the shower is available.. fresh towels and toiletries are available .. INCLUDING femine care products like pads and tampons. He can show her where the laundry is.. show her how to run it..(including pre-treat) explain expectations that she washes linens 1x per week and before she leaves. He can ensure she has a space to do her art.. and the ability to store her supplies when not in use and preferably in a room that your child doesn't have access to. She should have her own space.
Tell him you will support him while she is there.. but that she is his primary responsibility to ensure she is adhering to the household rules.. if she is old enough to need feminine protection.. she is old enough to understand a few basic house rules.
How old is she, and how long
How old is she, and how long is she there? And how often?
She is
13 years old. It varies. The mom blocks visits and court has not been helpful at all. Mom and dad do not get along at all. She was here for a month in July. She will be here 8-9 days this week. It is supposed to be every 6 weeks and some vacations. The visits are never planned ahead so it's stressful/anxiety provoking to learn all of a sudden she is coming but only because there are these communication problems. If there wasn't, I would roll with it easier.
what I have done...what I will try
First, thank you!
I have asked him in the past to talk to her and I have asked her to do things but I haven't had an expectations convo before. I haven't had one in my life actually because my first child and only child is 3. That is a different conversation but I guess there are still expectations. It appears my BF was not on the structure train in his household with them because his son was allowed to get away with anything too. His daughter isn't at his level of disrespect though. I do make sure there are cleaning supplies, feminine products, towels, fresh linens and food she likes. I used to buy art supplies too but now there is a surplus. I also take her to eat. I have also talked with him about how the previous visits didn't go well with details and it doesn't go anywhere and we end up arguing. He thinks I have a problem with his daughter but really it is with him and his lack of action. I did communicate that he needs to take off work when she is here. He is off this time so I feel he listened. Last time she was here a month and he did not take off. There is no separate place that she can do art. She will literally need to clean up after she uses it.
I do need to put my foot down but I'm trying to balance between being straight up versus going off. I was holding off trying to communicate with him and get his support and I will try to have one more conversation tonight but you are right, he will have to go elsewhere because I need that peace in my home. I guess I have been hestitant because he doesn't get to see her often. Her mom denies visits and court has been no help, only harm. She needs her dad and he needs her.
I will talk with him about cleaning her clothing and sheets and have him teach her how to use the washer and dryer and spot clean the sheets. I will ask him to have the hygiene discussion with her. Last time the comforter smelled so bad I needed to have it dry cleaned because she barely washed.
I will talk about cleaning up after themselves and helping each other clean up after each other. Helping hands.
I will talk to her about her art and that she will need to clean up right away when she is done. I will make sure there is a place to put all of it.
I will ask her to put her dishes in the dishwasher, not the sink and on my end I will make sure the clean dishes are out so it is ready to be used.
I have no expectations for her to take care of our 3 year old. She hasn't shown she is responsible and her phone is her go to like many kids. Up at night and sleeps all day. This time she is supposed to do virtual learning.
Thoughts?
I think you want to try to
I think you want to try to approach this in a positive way for him.
"I want to talk about a few things before your daughter gets here so that we can all have a positive and fun visit with her. Last time, didn't go as well as we might have all hoped and I think with a little planning and preparation we can make her visit more comfortable and enjoyable for everyone.
First, I am hoping I won't have to be in the role of full time rule assigner and enforcer. I know it has to be hard enough for her to be in a new place.. with new people that she doesn't know well and feel like that new person is pushing limits on her. Ideally, I would like to have the best possible chance to have positive interraction with her and I think that is going to be tough and will make her feel less welcome if I am the one that has to do the policing. I really need for you to take the lead on any expectations that we have for her.
Second, The main reason she is visiting is to see you, her father. I am hoping you can make extra time for her so that you can spend as much time with her while she is here for the short visit. While I don't expect you completely ignore me and the baby, I am also on board with you doing some things with just her.. I think she will appreciate that you take time with her.
Third, I think if she has some clear expectations , she will be more comfortable here. I think it would also be good for you to go over the layout again with her so that she feels more comfortable in our home. She should understand how to do the laundry.. where we keep those supplies.. I know she had a few problems with taking showers and keeping up with her room.. those may be areas where you need to keep tabs to make sure she is taking her shower.. not letting her room get too funky. Obvoiously she doesn't need to keep it military neat.. but the sheets and laundry need to be done regularly... and she is old enough to do those chores now.. and I think it would be good for her to have that independence by learning those things.
Finally, we do need to be mindful of common area cleanliness because of the baby. I don't mind if she does some art projects.. but she does need to try to clean up so that the baby isn't getting into things.
Again, I want for us to be happy and comfortable for her visits. I want for her to enjoy her time here.. and will try to do what I can to make it more enjoyable.. but I am also kind of a stranger to her.. and some of the things she needs to do will come better from you vs me.. I just want everyone to be happy and I think this is the best way that will happen.
You need to stop all the back stories
Your DH is a bad parent, or not a parent at all. He must patent his child or she is not allowed to be in your home. To not stink up the place is not too much to ask.
Your house, your rules.
Your house, your rules. ENFORCE them!!!!!! Even if daddy is a ball-less failure of a parent.
This guy is not your equity life partner. You are his sugar/baby mama. Which gives you ALL of the power in this relationship.
Tell him that his failed family progeny can visit for as long as she complies with the standards of behavior and performance that YOU set. As soon as she violates those standards and he fails to immediately come down on her with effective consequences she is out and if he balks at that, he can go with her.
Lather............. rinse................ repeat.
Your own child does not need to see daddy being a ball-less wonder of a non man. It is better to minimize the exposure of your own child(ren) to your SO' failed parenting than to allow those failures to impact you and your children. This is not a young child, this is a kid that is long past old enough to understand right from wrong and long past old enough to comply with reasonable standards of behavior and performance.
IMHO of course.
I do have a question. Why would you choose to procreate with someone you knew was this crappy of a parent? It is baffling to me that so many in blended family relationships are smacked in the face with the results of crappy parenting then pollute their own gene pool by procreating with the crappy parents they watch fail in their parenting day in and day out in many case for years. Who does that to their own children?
Good luck.