Step Daughter
I have a step daughter who is 17 now. We have had issues over the years and I seem to be so lost. My wife says I'm cold towards my daughter and seem to be heartless. I have had a lot of built up resentment towards my step daughter for years. I have been angry because both of us are alpha type personalities. I feel as over the years she demanded so much of my wives attention and in turn she got it. My wife and my step daughter are like best friends and I'm on the outside. I personally over the course of 2 years could not stand my step daughter, she would walk in the room and my blood pressure would raise out of my anger. I have had many disagreements with my daughter but sometimes of course I lose again. Now it seems that myself and my step daughter are drifting apart. At times I don't talk to her or she will walk in the room and you can just feel the tension. My teenager is so so sentive over everything. My wife and my daughters counselor said she should create boundaries. My step daughter has taken that to a whole new level. I ask a question or do something and she won't answer or will be rude saying 'oh I am not going to do that." Can someone please help me?
You are the adult and wield
You are the adult and wield the adult authority so act like it. Quit worrying about what a kid wants or boundaries she sets. Your house, your marriage, your rules.
Do not tolerate her being rude. The idiot therapist and mommy supporting these so called "boundaries" is bullshit. Particulary when SD-17 uses that crap to be rude, snarky and a shit.
Set the standards of behavior for your your home and hold her to them.
Be the adult not the shrinking violet.
Find your balls man.
Lazy SD
I understand what everyone is saying. My SD isn't really lazy. She tries to keep straight "A"s and she is in advanced classes in highschool, also she works part time at a grocery store. At times when she so called doesn't feel good other kids have to do her chores but she will have the energy to go for a walk, talk on the phone for hours, or even go see a friend. My SD has a lot going for her but like I said I can't really stand her. My blood pressure rises when I see her. It could be my past resentments of her, or I am just angry with how everything is going. It seems my wife is siding with her daughter with me. My relationship with my 4 other chldren is going great. They all hang out with me and we have fun together. My wife, step daughter and her counselor says I am abusive because I emotionally neglect my step daughter. I look at it like this, she's not my daughter, her real father is a dead beat, drug addict, an alcoholic and he doesn't come to NY to see them. I came into my marriage having no kids, my wife had 2 little girls, age 4 and age 9 months. I took them in as my own and raised them as my own. I was their so called dad and I called the shots with their mother's support. This year is really the first year my oldest step daughter has taken to this new idea, that she is almost an adult, she doesn't have to do what I say if she feels that she doesn't want to.
When I say she is sensitive, I could look at her the wrong way and she will go in her room and ball her eyes out. I just love when people say I am emitionally neglecting a teenager who is not even my child.
expressing sympathy
You did your best. Some people are just not likeable. Fortunately most parents are hard wired to love their own children in spite of that. This does not extend to step parents. I wish I had a solution for you, but all I can advise is to avoid her in the house as much as you can. Get out and take walks if you can (better yet go for a run). I am not sure if NY allows outside exercise right now?
I really cannot stand my stepkids either. They aren't bad people - in fact they are generally nice. Just hearing their voices on DH's phone gets my back up - they are so freaking irritating. And they are not even here quarantined with us, thankfully. The 3 SD's are either grown/college and live in other states; SS is with his POS mother an hour away and never comes here. Of course even my own kids are slightly on my nerves (on and off - most days are fine, even enjoyable) - more to do with the fact it is not a natural situation for college kids to spend large quantities of time with their parents. I am trying to be very aware of how DH may be feeling while quarantined with my three kids. He is very laid back and it's going well. I would have killed my stepkids 6 weeks ago though.
You raised this brat from a young age, and I agree - I have zero patience for coddling overly sensitive people too! Eventually this will pass!
Feelings
I definitely can not wait for it to pass. My SD's counselor advised her to move out and become a legal adult. The counselor only sees it from my SD or my wife's perspective. I have explained to my wife that people catch how they act, they are not taught. They learn through watching. I told my wife that she learned how to disrespect me from her. My wife will give me attitude, has a tone in her voice or will disrespect me in some way. My Step daughter thinks she can do the same to me. When I get treated someway with disrespect or dishonored, I become a royal a**hole and turn cold hearted. I don't care if I hurt their feelings.
Isn't the real problem
Isn't the real problem between you and your wife? If she put you on an adult level instead of putting her daughter there, and demanded that her daughter treat you with respect, you wouldn't have these issues.
Thats not always the case.
Thats not always the case. There have been times where my SD was trying to be nice to me but when I have a resentment or anger towards her, I just ignore her. I will go days without talking to my SD but at times I just can not stand her. I just want to tell her off. I think I don't because it will cause a wedge between me and my wife. My SD walks around like she knows everthing and her sh*t don't stink. Her mom supports her 100%.
Right - your wife has created
Right - your wife has created this entitled attitude by not demanding that she respect you as an adult in the home. The kid herself might be unlikeable, but a lot of this could have been avoided if your wife had not "supported her 100%".