SD-16 is manipulative!
:? I have a 16 yr old stepdaughter who was raised with "friends" and no parental figures. She has been doing drugs, sneaking into clubs with fake ids, getting into fights. This all started several months ago. Her parents found out after her EX boyfriend committed suicide. She was restricted for 4 days. I have been pissed. My opinions are not valued. Every time her dad tells her no about something, she puts the guilt trip on and gets her way. So her dad and I have definitely been at odds. I believe in being disciplined when you prove you can't be trusted (these were not her first untrustworthy events). Her dad's excuse for her lack of punishment is that all this came to light at a bad time with her ex boyfriend's death. THIS ALL HAPPENED MONTHS BEFORE HIS DEATH. HIS DEATH DIDNT CAUSE THE DELIQUINT BEHAVIOR. I have 2 children who are very respectful, well mannered, straight A students and behave. I believe in being a parent first and friend later. And I feel my job is to prepare them for being on their own when they turn 18. My kids do not have chores but they do clean up after themselves. They do receive discipline when they misbehave. Our kids are complete opposites of one another, as well as mine and his parenting styles... And it is really becoming a problem bc I do not want her influence on my children.
Please help! I need some advice. It's always a joke in the house with him bc he says he is the cushion for my kids (he will let them have fun). I told him last night he is not to ever give my kids advice or permission to do anything that isn't cleared with me first. I also told him I do not want his input or opinion with my children and that I want no part in his daughters life any longer, as far him wanting my opinion on her behavior, etc. I did tell him I feel like he failed as a parent (which probably wasn't a smart move but it is how I feel). His child is so focused on looks and being cool and manipulative. She will never be a contributing member of society and I don't want want my name linked to her in any way. What to do?
I hate the idea of not being
I hate the idea of not being a united front as far as the kids go but geez, it has gotten ridiculous. I can, with the utmost confidence, say I am a good parent and my children prove that everyday. I never imagined being a stepmother would be hard. But I never imagined having a step daughter like her. Don't get me wrong. She is beautiful and can be a real sweetheart, when she wants something. Unfortunately, letting daddy wait on her hand and foot won't be a big deal to him bc he thinks all children should be lazy spoiled brats. He tries to do that with mine too. My 13 yr old will tell him "I am old enough to fix my own drink, but thanks". Then she'll look at her stepsister with THAT look. That's something else I am having to deal with. My daughter has gotten to where she sees they are being treated differently and we have different expectations for the girls. She will be mean to my SD by making sly comments as referenced above. So I've taken her phone and restricted her to make her be nicer. Now she doesn't say anything to her. Just kind of ignores her. This just has not been an easy road since October. I'm at the end of my rope and I hate the thought that my relationship may have to be trashed bc of the children. The world doesn't revolve around the kids. They need to learn that. You should cherish your kids, not worship them. Know what I mean?
Thank you for responding!! I have no one around here I can talk to. My best friends aren't step parents...
That's exactly what I said to
That's exactly what I said to him last night! He failed her bc she will neve amount to anything in life. She has had no guidance and no responsibilities.
I feel like a failure as the
I feel like a failure as the stepmom, not as a parent. I would like to have one month of being in control of the SD. It has gotten to the point that when I have my kids, she goes to her mom's. We only do family stuff occasionally, like her soccer games or my 8 yr olds baseball games or going out to dinner. This is so not what I was hoping for when we decided to combine the families!
I'm sorry everyone else has these issues too but it sure is nice to have someone to talk to without it being turned into a joke! Thank you!!
TGIHB is so right here! I've
TGIHB is so right here! I've been in SD15's life for as long as she could walk. I wanted to make a difference, but everything I did was undone by her parents not being parents. Perfect example...potty training! The girl peed herself until she was 8...seriously! Why? Because even though I would put panties on her and ask her regularly if she had to go to the bathroom when we had her every other weekend, BM didn't want to deal with it and would keep her in diapers/pullups! I don't know how many times we had to get cars steam-cleaned, AT OUR EXPENSE, because the child would just pee in the back seat instead of telling us she needed to potty...because BM didn't want to take the time to potty train! I could get the girl asking for the potty by the end of the visit, but the very next visit, we were back to square one.
Also, BM was so much about being SD15's best friend that she never parented, and then because SD15 always cried that she wanted to be back with mommy nearly the entire time she was with us, DH go to the point that he wouldn't parent her at all either...anything to make the child want to stay with him on visits...buying her whatever she wanted, doing whatever she wanted, etc.
So then we fast forward to the teen years! SD15 starts getting into all kinds of big trouble...drinking, smoking pot, skipping school, sneaking out...all this at age 13! What happens? BM can't deal with it and dumps the child to live with us, so now she is OUR problem...or more importantly, DH's problem, because I'm done! I'm tired of the disrespect, I'm tired of him being afraid of any real discipline. I would love for this girl to be a better person, but truth is, I've had all these years to influence her, and it just didn't work! It isn't my failure, it is her parents' failure! Seems DH is finally waking up, but I'm afraid it is too late, and she will not change her ways at this point. From what I've seen the last few weeks, the more DH actually parents, the worse SD15's attitude gets...as if to say, "How dare he try to tell me what to do!" I now just sit back and watch the show. And after last week, it seems that BM doesn't want anything to do with SD15 because of the way the girl treated her at the beginning of Spring Break while she visited. BM is done, at least for now.
Best thing you can do is step back and let the cookie crumble. Just look after the safety of yourself and your kids...only say something if if this safety is threatened.
Below is a link to
Below is a link to disengaging. But don't think disengaging fails to provide a united front as it does mainly by you not disagreeing with anything he wants to let the kid do. OK with Dad if she shoots heroin? Not your call. Once he makes a decision you back him 100% no matter how much you disagreed with him behind closed doors.
As for children being treated differently your children are old enough to understand if you sit down with them and explain that you have different styles of parenting. Point out where the girl is headed and make her an example of why you're holding them a higher standard.
http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
This is where I have been
This is where I have been hitting a wall... Trying to figure out how to stay in his life without having an active role in hers. I am at the point that I only support her during soccer games and feed her. That's it. I have no interest any longer in her daily life. I don't care if she has clean clothes for school (she is 16 and old enough to wash her own clothes). The tension at home is so thick you can cut it with a knife. I'm going to read this article. Maybe it will show me how to be his wife but not her mother. I love him dearly and the fact that they raised her is so mesmerizing to me bc he is nothing like his daughter. He has just spoiled her completely rotten and doesn't know how to be a parent now.
And thanks!! Y'all are right... I do try to back him when he says something (then tell him why he is making a mistake when she is gone). And he realizes what is going on but she truly has DH's entire world revolving around her 24/7.
I often wondered if all this is just a jealousy issue on my part but she was like this well before I met her, according to her dad. It's just gotten worse. I do get jealous that the world revolves around her but I'm more pissed than anything bc she does nothing but keep everyone stressed. I get up every day and thank God a little more for the kids he gave me. I simply don't understand the be a friend first and parent when it is too late mentality. ..
Very true. We are currently
Very true. We are currently battling about her being on restriction for only 4 days after all the trouble. I feel like it has just taught her to use whatever tragic situation is at hand to yet again get her way. I'm with you... DH has a day devoted only to her... Yet he and I haven't had a date in forever. She gets rewarded for being deceitful? Why is that fair to anyone in the home? I believe in rules, fairness, consequences. I don't believe in allowing a child to run the house. And I'm seriously at the point that if I can't learn to cope with it, or something doesn't change, I've got to get out for my own sanity.
I TOTALLY understand your
I TOTALLY understand your feelings! When SD15 moved in with us the first time, we weren't told of the trouble by BM until several months later when SD15 moved back (which was getting caught smoking pot). This time around we were told immediately, as BM called us the day it happened and told DH to come get SD15, she was moving back in with us, and here was why...smoking pot again and skipping school. So, the evening of the day she got into trouble, she was back at our house! I asked DH what the punishment was going to be, and he said that there wouldn't be a punishment because she didn't do it at our house! Really?
A few weeks ago, SD15 was caught with an e-cig on the bus and in possession of it at school. That same day after already going to the office for the e-cig, she exited the building out of an unauthorized door (they are only allowed to go out to the enclosed patio off the cafeteria during school hours), and tried to lie to DH about it, until he brought up that the school had her on video. Her punishment for that? The only person she could text on her phone was her boyfriend, and for about a week, she had to sit in the living room with us and watch TV instead of hibernating to her room! She still had full internet access, her phone wasn't locked down or taken away (and her usage showed she wasn't following the "only the boyfriend" rule), etc. Basically, I was the one that was punished for her trouble because for a week I had to put up with her being out in the TV room with us with all of her fakeness, talking through shows, bugging dear daddy to message her feet, and even controlling what we watched as DH would ask HER what she wanted to watch instead of making her watch our normal stuff! I finally had enough of it all, and had to go into my bedroom to watch TV and get away from her! The girl seriously sours the air when she is present!
TGIHB...know what you mean
TGIHB...know what you mean about the voice! SD15 is always so fake, and you can hear it in her voice. The rest of the time, it is that snooty, "I'm better than everyone else" sound! Makes my skin crawl.
mine talks with a whiny baby
mine talks with a whiny baby voice. "i dont waaannnnaaa" drives.me.insane.
DH has to already be
DH has to already be aggravated about something else, like work, to ever talk sternly to SD15. And then, it is like he feels guilty for it, because then out comes the "I'm not mad at you" comment! UGH! Get mad at her...it IS okay to get mad at her when she is lying, being disrespectful, having massive attitude, or doing something that is just plain not okay!
What is it with these guys...notice, I simply said guys, not men. Men would have a set and would put these princesses in their places! They wouldn't put up with crap from some teen girl!
TGIHB... That is my DH and SD
TGIHB...
That is my DH and SD exactly!! And I hate when she comes home. I really want to rent an apartment to stay in while she is here!!
I have seriously reached the point that I just want out. Not to mention, they have institutes daddy/daughter night in which they get to ditch me and go to dinner and a movie. Ask me the last time he and I got dinner and a movie without the freaking princess... And I haven't missed a single one of her soccer games yet he is going to miss my som's baseball game tomorrow night for the daddy/daughter night. Call it jealously if the shoe fits but I refuse to play second best the rest of my life. You don't get rewarded for misbehaving... Unless you are my SD... Beyond frustrated!!
DH stopped doing
DH stopped doing daddy/daughter only outings, but we still don't do much of going out. We can't go out because we can't trust SD15 home alone...so we don't go, or we take her with us...the latter of which I can't stand! If we go out to dinner, she always has to order more expensive than either if us, but doesn't eat but a few bites because she downs three sodas before the good gets there...the left overs go home, but never get eaten! If we go out to a movie, it ends up being SD15's choice so she won't sit there disgusted. So, we rarely go out! If we leave her with my MIL, or plan something when she is with BM or something (which won't happen for a very long time), she throws a fit that we did something without her!
Like you, I don't believe in rewarding bad behavior...happens all the time in this house! As for DH not going to your son's stuff...stop going to SD's! I rarely go to SD16's stuff any more...can only take so much of her fishing for compliments, everyone telling her she is the best one on the stage or field (even when she isn't), and SD15 going on and on about how she is better than everyone else!