Please help...does disengaging work???????
Hi everyone....I am from Australia and you dont know how relieved I am to find this site and know that other people dont like their stepkids and it IS a normal response....
I think I have the story to beat all stories and I am at the end of my tether and scared for the future and for my sanity,....
Where to begin.....I met my husband about 6 years ago...I was stable, 37 living in my own little run down cottage which I had plans to renovate...he worked with my brother in law. His wife had moved her new boyfriend into the house and he was living downstairs(he had 2 stepdaughters with her)....it got too much for him and thru my BIL he came to live with me while getting divorced...we started as good friends and I helped him thru his breakup...he showed me a picture of his daughter who he hadnt seen for 7 years (he had been with her mother prior to his marriage for 4 years and left when kid was 6 months old)...when he married they use to have the daughter once a month and on school holidays and then mum disappeared with kid....
Now the story of her mum is the interesting part that a book can be written on...when he met her it was in a little country town in remote South Australia...she was married and living on a sheep station and was the local barmaid..she had a son to another guy and a son with this husband..the husband adopted the first son and the ink wasnt even dry on the paper and she started having an affair with my to be husband.....they ran off and caused a major scandel...she then had this daughter with my husband and not long after she was born the mother started going to nightclubs to meet men..she would leave all of the kids with my husband...she came home one night and taunted him with a new guy..he tried to strangle her and knew he had to go....he had daughter on w/ends etc...she met a new man and popped another kid.....4 kids to 4 different fathers..she apparently burnt down her house so this new man(builder) would build her a new house.once built new man (an epileptic) started having bad fits and ended up in hospital..he reckons she had changed his meditication...while in hospital and once in her new home she contacted the police and put a restraining order on him saying he bashed her and kids..he lost his son and his home...he put a hit out on her....and unwisely organized it with an undercover cop (was to be a shot of heroin)...he ended up in jail but as his father was still out she was put into some form of protective living arrangements...that is when my husband lost all contact with his daughter..she was about 4.......oh yeah...also in this time daughter was diagonised with a very rare terminal illness called niemann pick type c....her body does not rid itself of cholesterol.........
Now to my entrance....we were very happy and he was getting over his marriage break up and we were just happily being a nice couple and he receives a phone call out of the blue that the mother of his daughter had committed suicide and left these kids...no one knows much about her life for about 5 years but she had met a man and was trying to play happy families and something went wrong and he was leaving... Geoff being a good man went to take care of his responsiblities and rang me and asked how I would feel about being a mother figure to this child and her living with us.....I looked up the internet about this disease and the care this child would need and the sadness of the future was apparent...we had known each other for about 6 months and thought this was not long enough to know someone to committ to such a responsibility.....we decided to split and he would take on this child.....I was sad but hey you break up with people......her family however thought as these kids had had no contact with any of their fathers they should be kept together and it was agreed they would live on the sheep station with the father of the 2nd kid (who my husband had cut his lunch...australian term for run of with his wife) he now had other kids and married to a woman with kids so there were 9 of them all together. it was agreed that daughter would estabilish a relationship with her dad by now talking on phone and coming up in school holidays...we resumed our relationship and I agreed I could handle this.....it came out that mum had not had this kid to any doctors for years and had gone from man to man and basically was using men for money and ripping off welfare and child support and charities etc....
The kid wasnt totally likeable and was a bit rude on the phone and the school holidays seemed to be a bit of a rude little smart alec...but I wanted hubby to have a relationship with her so let it slide...his mother was still in the little country town so was keeping an eye on the situation...we had a son and I became preg with 2nd son.....we were happy as.....then his mum started harping on him that the kid was not doing well in school, she was always dirty, had nits in her hair etc etc etc...kept harping him to take her.....I never really said anything as we were still in a honeymoon period...before I knew it it was planned that she was moving up with us....I had this dread in my stomach for ages and voiced concern that she had this disease and think of what he was doing as this was going to be alot to take on...his reply was that the mother was a nutcase and she had munchausen as this kid was still alive at 11 and hadnt been to a doctor so therefore wasnt sick....if only I had put my foot down then..but I loved him so much and thought it was the right thing to do......we flew down to south australia to pick her up...bells started ringing then...I was helping her pack and as she was going thru her wardrobe the other kids were claiming their stuff that she had....this was just after christmas and she had packets of lollies in there as well....the mother of the house saw them and said "so that is where all the packets of lollies I bought for christmas went"....she was hiding stuff she had obviously stolen under beds etc...I just sat and watched with more dread.........when it came to say goodbye their was not a tear shed for the brothers she had grown up with for 10 years....the bells were ringing louder.......her dad and grandparents got out of the car and I turned to her and said " I hear you have a bit of trouble reading...I'd love for you to read to Isaac (my baby)..that might help"....her reply "arent I the lucky one".....dad and the granddys got back in the car...the sweet little smile went back on the face.....I was stunned and wanted to grab her around the throat right there and then and say cut the attitude.....but i didnt......anyhow we got her to doctors and yes she did have this disease and was going to die a horrible death that would take approx 5 or 6 years...basically her body and brain would shut down...this meant alot of care and sacrifice for who ever had to care for her.....I told my husband that I would support him but that I would not be the one who was going to be the carer as this was not fair on me and I had two biological sons that deserved a good life and a mother.....he reckoned he would care for her...yeh..right.....his mother actually said to me I will try and get up there as often as I can to help you care for her colleen.......I have so much anger and resentment inside of me...I said no ages ago and this kid gets lumped on me and it is assumed that I am going to sacrifice years to look after her......
anyhow it seems this kid was her mums best buddy and as far as I can gather she was taken everywhere with mum and just dropped in front of the tele while mum was with boyfriends or allowed just to sit with mum and her adult friends and listen in...kids and child friends met nothing to her, she thought she was allowed to just sit with the adults and have her say.....this was extremely annoying as she had a smart little mouth on her as well....as she didnt want to have friends or do anything with kids she was with us ALL THE TIME! what was once a romantic walk on the beach with a couple of babies became me, him and the kid listening to everything and having her say......
For you in America....you know how big Australia is.....we lived right up the top...the rest of the family was right down the bottom......there was no one else to take her...those who only have them on 2nd weekends...think yourself lucky....and then add on top that she didnt want to make friends and go off to play.....ticking time bomb inside of me......and then we began to notice the money go missing.....and she would come home from school and say she was finding stuff on the road etc.....one day I knew how much I had in my purse and yep it went missing....I rang hubby and we confronted her, and then the lying started.....the stories just kept going and going.......I changed....I lost trust and watched her like a hawk.......prob become a bit obbessed.....the stealing was constant....we gave her a keycard (for the bank) and pocket money thinking this might cure it......she blew all of that without us knowing and then would stealmore...so we stopped that....I really started to dislike this kid and my family and her family were going...naughty girl....but she's sick.....she got done for shoplifting...didnt phase her....listening to the police tape made me sick....she told them it was the kids who were with her...the lies to the police went on.....the kids disliked her more.....then we were told she was going to other kids places (I tried to get her to make friends) and taking their uff (hence the finding stuff on the road etc......the scary scary thing about it...she didnt care if the other kids liked her or not or the trouble it was causing....
the less friends the more she had to be with us...the more I couldnt stand her....
colleen_maree
It does for some and it doesn't for others. It has worked for me. Read my blogs if you like. There are also some articles on it. I will try and find them and post them on here for you. Good luck! Sounds like a royal mess. I wouldn't put my biological children on hold to take care of her either. Your children have to be you first obligation. I think it is terribly sad about her illness, but she needs discipline regardless of that fact.
"One should examine oneself for a very long time before thinking of condemning others." ~Moliere
Found it
http://www.steptogether.org/essays.html
"One should examine oneself for a very long time before thinking of condemning others." ~Moliere
I wrote this a long time ago
I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
They could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be pleased at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. I took my spouse and SKs camping on occasion when my kids weren't around. I offered the s-kids advise on living in our world and made the obvious comments when it came to safety and such. But I never made it a judgement. May favorite comment was "Do what you think is in your best interest". It sums it all up. What you sow is what you reap.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother came to realize that I wasn't over-reacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.
Thank you for posting this.
Thank you for posting this. I am new to the site and to step-parenting. It makes a whole lot of sense.
I am very close to getting
I am very close to getting to that point of disengaging myself. I'm not there yet though. My biggest problem to disengaging is the anger from when they just grab anything to use - whether or not it belongs to them - and its either ruined or well on its way.
For instance, my mother spent nearly 4 months on creating 2 quilts for my kids...her grandkids. I myself have a blanket that I have had since I was around 6-7 years old. These 3 items are simply blankets, nothing more nothing less. But they mean a great deal to me in my family history, and I want to make sure those two quilts stay part of my childrens lives for a long time.
Enter in Step kids. With a complete and total lack of respect for anything and or anyone, they grab anything that is in reach and use it irregardless if its theirs or not. My bedroom is full of stuff just piled back here because of that very reason. Food, clothes ... even my SHAMPOO, is stored back here because I simply cannot keep it out in the house without it being used.
So after the big winter storm a few nights ago, and also due to a major water pipe breaking and leaking inside the SK's bedroom, I had to remove myself and my kids from the house to sleep at a relatives house due to a lack of space for all 5 kids to sleep in the living room. On the second night, the big storm hit here, and knocked the power out. Without heat or water, they were cold scared and overall miserable. I am not without compassion and realized that they needed every single blanket we had for that one night. They had used all the blankets and had a pile of them in the living room waiting to be sorted out and put away. My 3 were in that pile. However, the very next night,(last night) the 15 year old decided she was going to sleep in the flooded room without asking permission (and while at the moment we do not have mattresses in there they sleep on a hide a way couch mattress on the floor), she puts the mattress down on the still wet carpet, and puts my sons quilt next, and another blanket on it. The quilt hangs over the sides of the mattress and over night gets SOAKING wet. I cannot throw this into a normal washing machine as it will be torn apart. Its sturdily made, but due to them using it on the floor and walking on it the back lining has ripped and the stitching is starting to come apart. I find it this am when we went to lift the mattress I find my sons quilt and FLIP OUT.
And of course my boyfriend simply doesn't get it. According to him, if I don't want them to use it, I should put it in the bedroom. Well I'm freaking sorry, I shouldn't HAVE TO HIDE EVERYTHING I own, all because they can't keep their hands off of whats not theirs.
I would SO love to disengage right now. But until they learn to keep away from whats NOT THEIRS, I just don't think I can.
They won't 'learn' because
They won't 'learn' because they don't care about your boundaries....what you want or need. When I first met my SD 17 and spent that first few weeks living with her, I quickly realized she does two things....consume and leave a trail. Kind of like when we joke about infants, they do two things mainly, eat and poop. Well it extends with entitled teens...they consume all available resources and leave the sh.t for you to clean up. I started having to hide anything that I needed and did not want to have hogged or destroyed. This puts a burden on me and makes me feel like I can't relax in my own home. It's compensatory behavior that we do because our spouses won't step up an parent...bullsh.t.
and if you have other children in the home, it's double hard cuz these kids don't respect ANYONE so you get defensive about how they feel and how their childhood is being affected.... But again, the comfort things like a clean home, respect for your privacy and your things aside, there is a WHOLE LOT to be said for disengaging on a moral and psychological level. Accepting that you won't have the credit or the blame for how these kids turn out and that it is not your role to parent them...well that is priceless, and frankly, if that's the way the Bio's want it....they act like they do....then by all means they should have it. Just exit the 'for your own good' world and sit back and enjoy the people your own children turn out to be'. It gives me the ULTIMATE satisfaction when my children do these wonderful things because they are the people I raised them to be and my DH has to see it and hear it too...then we have 'his kid' that is on drugs, promiscuous, a liar, a thief, probably won't graduate high school, etc....
My DH happens to take offense and figures I should 'Mother' my SD. My SD knows this and pretends that's what she wants too...but it's totally bogus. She is so devious that she plays the plays of the original player. Anyway, regardless I ended up washing my hands of it....I like to know what's going on with her and especially when he's going to be out of town for work or something, otherwise he and her BM are welcome to that job....they created the monster, they should finish what they started and get all the punishment for it. Which unfortunately right now means watching her become a pathetic loser.
From my experience
From my experience disengaging does not work. I have found that it causes more friction and resentment than just being open about the problem ever could be.