Outrageous behavior what to do
Background: Been with Fiance for 6 years. 3 Kids, 2 hers one mine (13 months) Kyle 13. Nathan 8.
In effort to keep this short and get some advice asap, the following is a list of Kyles recent "offenses" There are many many more including trying to use a stun gun on kids in his 5th grade class, but this is the past 2 months.
-Got kicked out of his middle school for everything you can think of
-Started alternative school and within 3 days got suspended for possession of marijuana
-2 weeks after starting he was expelled from alternative school for guess what? Marijuana
-Stole money out of my fiances purse
-broke into our locked room while we were home but outside or in another part of the house and took whatever he pleased (5 times that we know of)
-Lets just say he has been caught stealing from us and his uncle and grandparents more times than I can count on one hand in the past 2 weeks.
So thats what I've been dealing with but none of those things are issues I cannot handle. Where I desperately need help is his interaction with his Mom and myself when he doesn't get his way. He yells at the top of his lungs at his Mom, swearing at her, saying things like "You need to chill the fuck out, and back the fuck off me" Blatantly disobeys directions and acts as if he is going to physically stop her from doing what she needs to do, like confiscate his ipod. He talks/acts like his is ultimate power and can do and say whatever he wants. Oh ya, I left out that he physically abuses his brother so bad that all he has to do is look at him to strike powerful fear. He says that he never was and never will be scared of me, to my face, and talks to me as if he is a 6 foot 7 UFC Heavyweight. The kid has lost his marbles and REALLY thinks he runs everything. It literally takes every bit of self control not to teach him the old fashioned way to respect adults. This only happens when he is threatening his mother, when he runs his mouth to me I have resorted to walking away so I don't end up in jail. What can/should I do about this kid. He yells/swears in front of my amazing 13 month old Madex with total disregard for him. I can't let this happen anymore. Help before this turns into a much more serious situation.
Broke into your room. Do you
Broke into your room. Do you mean jimmied (picked) the lock or physically destroyed part of the locking or framing mechanism? The marijuana use requires stealing since a boy that age can't earn enough to afford it otherwise. If the boy remains in the home build a safe closet or room by reinforcing the door. A solid core or metal door. Reinforce the outward facing hinges if any with locking hinge pins - use this link: http://www.alibaba.com/showroom/locking-hinge-pin.html Obviously a strong locking handle or padlock and hasp. If he breaks through it then you call the police and make no bones about who you think did it especially since there will be no forced entry damage to exterior facing doors or windows. Press charges even if its evident they can't be proven.
But he needs more help than you can give, or his mother either.
When my ex's first born acted similarly (amazingly no drug use that we knew of) and it got so bad we needed outside help the only way we could get it was to take the kid to child protective services and tell them he was out of parental control. Again amazingly he went along peacefully and just sat throughout the whole procedure. Looking back I think he was in shock.
They threatened us with child abandonment even though we weren't leaving him sitting at a bus stop or in a vacant house but I got the technical point. We said jail was better than living like this and that we were only doing it after years of escalation and our inability to afford professional help. Our insurance ran out after a 30 day stay in a institution where they said they needed him for a year or two. Frankly I doubt that would have made any difference either. The boy told me 5 or so years later that there was simply no punishment or incentive that anyone could inflict that meant anything to him. At that point all he needed was food, clothing and shelter and he felt free to do as he pleased.
They took in the kid who I'm sorry to say some 30 years later is headed towards a bad ending with the now adult a drug using loser living who knows where. But there are success stories with the shock of the transition to institutional living making them realize how good they had it.
If your step-son is not using heavier drugs then he's suffering from some mental derangement and you can't help in either case. Hitting him was the old way of handling it and it often helped but just as often ran the kid off into the world where they fell prey to abusers or drugs. Frankly I think the kid has a better chance with a right fist to the chin than with child protective services but alas you don't dare try that experiment today.
On the street some seem to survive and eventually prosper. In the institutions we have it seems all they receive is criminal instruction from fellow inmates.
Although I was nowhere near what you've described a light tap by my Dad's ex-golden gloves right arm straightened me out quite quickly. Once was enough.
You need to tell his mother that you're out of the fight. You're not (trying to) disciplining the boy any longer. Unless you see him trying to light a fire you're not saying a word - not even to her. Since the boy is completely out of control you may have to threaten to leave if she doesn't get him out of the home. Don't be surprised if she says to go ahead and go - women have too much invested to give up on their kid even when to continue is impossible.
But you've got a kid in this fight also don't you? One you brought into this mess knowing that something was off with the oldest kid. Did you think it would help? That makes things much more difficult doesn't it as you can't walk away that easily.
You haven't mentioned the boys father. Can he be sent to live with him? At this age that's where a boy belongs anyway.
In the end I see your choices as disengagement (see link below) or leaving and I don't think you're ready to leave just yet. So tell mom to get professional help or get the boy to his father, then disengage and sit back and watch how it unfolds.
Link: http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
My greatest appreciation for
My greatest appreciation for all the responses so far.
But you've got a kid in this fight also don't you? One you brought into this mess knowing that something was off with the oldest kid. Did you think it would help? Yes I have a son in this fight, Madex.. He is 13 months and possibly the happiest baby I've seen. My fiance was on the Mirena but got pregnant anyway, and I couldn't bring myself to take any other option but have a baby.
I should also throw in that I am 31 years old and my fiance is 30.
The boys father has been absent for the past 6 years, except for sporadic visits when they are at their grandparents house. Every time we tried to set up a schedule with the father, something would cause him to flake the visit and cause extra issues with disappointment from the 13 year old. Currently he is living in an Oxford House and can't have his son living with him full time. Not that he would anyway. I used to advocate for the kids to see their father as much as possible, even trying to track him down and bring his kids to him. My opinion now is that the time spent with father is doing more harm than good. When K goes over to see his Dad, he is not treated in accordance with his behaviors. K will come home and tell me about eating Squid at some restaurant and going to the movies, etc. The Dad has been absent so long he ignores the unacceptable behavior and treats him well. Then K comes home to a restricted world and thinks that his Mom and myself are pieces of shit as he would say.
I forgot to mention his manipulation of everything to his Grandparents and Aunt and Uncle. He gets in trouble then makes up lies such as telling them I "threatened to choke him to death" or some other bogus line to take the heat off himself. And these ignorant fools believe him and think I am the problem.
My fiance is not on board with the rest of the family or Kyle. She would push him off a building (figurative) before letting me leave because of him. She is just too tired and stressed by him to put up a decent fight. Ive done the disengaging thing and still try to as much as possible but when Im laying on the couch with MY son and K starts raising his voice telling his Mom that she need to calm the fuck down and get the fuck out of his way, I just can't sit there and let him destroy the otherwise positive mojo of our house. Yes I do often pick my son up and remove him completely from the situation, but there is only so much one person can take from an unappreciative disrespectful KID.
As for calling the police, I hesitate because K is such a manipulator he has said that he will tell the police that we abuse him physically and mentally. Even though this is a complete fabrication, I to this point have not wanted to take the chance of losing the one person I live my life for, Madex.
I have no help in this matter so I wanted to say thank you again to anyone who has taken the time to respond.
the disengaging read was
the disengaging read was great btw