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I'm new here but from what I've read, we all have similar issues. Mine is my 16 yr old stepdaughter. I've known her since she was four and there have always been problems. She's self-absorbed but not self-aware, emotionally immature, lazy, resentful, manipulative, irresponsible, shallow, inconsiderate, and on and on... Her character's been poor since she was a child. So I'm very tired of living with her. But my only option is to divorce her mother because there's no way she'd send her to her dad's. I've always felt that my wife and her daughter are the "partners" who decide what happens in our house - not my wife and me.

I've never really been allowed to discipline the child because my wife says I'm too strict and she "disagrees with my methods." However, her methods have helped bring us to where we are. I was raised with strong discipline and it galls me to be a grown up but be held hostage to the whims of a teen in my own house. Anyway, no consequences for her actions seem to work for very long. The kid simply does not care about anyone or anything. My wife vacillates between being sort of strict or being lenient and "understanding" with the kid. She's always been very careful with the kid's self-esteem. So the kid has enormous self-esteem but zero self-respect and zero respect for others. She also views herself as a perpetual victim, and she doesn't learn from her mistakes or failures.

And despite how indulgent my wife has been with her, the kid even resents and disrespects her. She has since long before I came into the picture. So I'm at a loss. I have no hope and only want this nightmare to end. My life was good and peaceful before this. It's been 12 years of hell and I'm ready for it to end. My advice to anyone considering a relationship with someone with kids is DON'T DO IT! RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN! It's better to be alone than live with this...

Thinking about leaving. My

Thinking about leaving. My home is not a refuge - not really for any of us. I can make it one for them by tolerating the bs and keeping my mouth shut, only getting upset if my wife says it's all right. Then they'll be happy, but I'll still be really stressed out. I'm tired of being a hostage in my own house...

Hold your horses Sir..... you

Hold your horses Sir..... you just described my Aergia and the way it use to be in my house. Then I moved out to my own place but we did not end the relationship, it's much better now.

This is what I did, you simply disengage from the SD, you tell her nothing you do nothing for her and you give her nothing, not even the time of day. Except that you and your wife has different parenting styles, focus only on your wife. Stop the financial support, you only pay a third of all house hold expenses and do your own laundry, or hand it in at dry cleaners. Use your money to take your wife out on date nights... excluding the little brat.

Simply sit your wife down and say, I've been wrong the past 12 years, I've come to the realization that SD is not my child and we do not have that bond, I accept it and will leave all parenting and discipline to you from now on, I will not say a word. Our marriage is important to me so I will compromise but I would like the following in exchange, communal space in the house to be tidy and nothing all over the place, we all have bedrooms, also SD is no longer allowed in the main bedroom and bathroom cause this is our private place... for the rest I do not care at all.

When ever DW asks you to do something for SD, drive her, for money what ever, smile and say, sorry Hon can't drive now I'm busy, or I do not have any money now... separate your finances....Your money does not go for SD.

If SD asks you something, smile and say - Ask your mother dear.....

Then start parenting DW to ensure SD launches age 18, you have 2 years to accomplish this, and believe me the more one on one time you spend with DW, the more she will push her daughter to get out.... it helps ignoring the skids in the house, they eventually feel unwanted and wants to move out... cause they hate when they are not the center of attention and when you only pay attention to DW, SD is not center of attention. If you and DW talks and SD's storms in trying to take over - you have 2 options, either you say SD we are busy talking you are being rude please wait your turn....... do not worry about DW or SD's feelings, and if that does not work, simply stop talking to DW and walk away.... if she asks later what did you say, smile and say... obviously it was not important to you... and ignore her

http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

Thanks. I tried disengaging a

Thanks. I tried disengaging a few years ago and all it did was make my wife furious because I did. She's still mad about it... Even when we've made a decision about something the kid should or shouldn't do, the wife has gone behind my back and changed it because her kid didn't like it or it was "too hard" for her. It hasn't happened often but it has happened. When I called my wife on it, she apologized but of course, then it happened again...

When you truly disengage, you

When you truly disengage, you truly stop caring so much about the outcome. I never sat down and had a conversation with my husband about disengaging. I never spelled it out for him, I just made the change. I can honestly say it saved me. It saved my marriage. If you disengage, you stop being a part of the decision-making process. And you stop caring about what happens so much.

My husband will still fight disengagement in his own way. He tries to get me to do things with him and SS. I just tell him to go have his quality time with him. Don't care. I have other things I can do, or I can do nothing at all. I don't like the person my husband becomes around his kid, so me not being involved was the best decision I could've ever made. DH called me after they went fishing yesterday, wanted me to go eat with them. I told him I'd rather not, which is my normal answer to this question. Sometimes I go, sometimes I don't. What I don't do is try to make everyone happy by cooking SS's favorites for him. What I don't do is bend over backward to make sure that SS gets to eat wherever he wants every day he is with us.

The up side to disengagement for me is that things rarely get to me anymore. Go do what you're going to do and deal with your own consequences. There is an up side for DH, too. He gets to parent the way he wants to parent; and honestly, isn't that fair? He and SS don't have me trying to take them off their chosen course. I draw the line rarely; and when I do, it's because my money or time or plans are involved.

The truth is, DH never wanted my help in parenting. He wanted me to help him feel less guilty about a divorce I had nothing to do with. DH wasn't the one who cheated, BM was; yet DH has the guilty daddy syndrome big-time. I just changed worlds on him. I refuse to aid him in a never-ending conquest to make himself feel better by spoiling a kid.

Thanks for your comments! I

Thanks for your comments! I do have trouble not caring about the outcome. The kid screws up constantly around the house - not doing things she's supposed to do or doing poorly, or doing things things she's not supposed to do. And almost of it affects me. After all, who wants to eat off dirty dishes? But wife isn't as observant as I am, so she doesn't notice as much.

I also don't think wife really wanted a co-parent, she only really wanted someone to affirm her parenting style which is what helped create the kid's poor character and behavior. After we got married, she quickly began "running interference" between her kid and me, and so the kid knew that we were divided. And since the kid could already manipulate her mom anyway, the whole thing just got worse. What's worse is that by now, almost any consequences for poor behavior are met with indifference by the kid.

My wife still really resents that I don't want anything to do with her kid. But objectively speaking, why would I want to be with someone whose "values" are the exact opposite of my own? I have nothing to offer because the kid will not learn anything from me and rarely learns anything her mom tells her. She either "misunderstands," or "forgets," or something like that.

There's a lot of dysfunction in their relationship that began long before me and I regret getting involved in it. Sometimes my wife acknowledges the dysfunction and sometimes she fervently denies it - it just depends on the day. Wife has her own issues but hasn't sought professional help, only "self-help" crap like Wayne Dyer and other self-appointed life experts. On the other hand, professionals are expensive and finding a good one who doesn't still promote that self-esteem garbage that has ruined generations is difficult. I was taught respect and discipline and they don't come from feelings. Feelings come and go but character is more solid. But the kid, my wife, my mother-in-law are all very emotionally reactionary. So even when I think my wife and have established some common ground, when emotions change, the common ground often disappears.

Sorry for venting. I really need to tell all of this to a therapist or counselor, but again, good ones are very hard to find... Thanks again for your comments...

What worked for me was taking

What worked for me was taking it off the child and putting it on the parent. Rather than seeing it as the kids screwing up or screwing off, see it for what it is...poor parenting. I made my DH responsible for the things that he didn't want to make sure SS did. Well, first of all, I should say SS has never been expected to do anything. But DH had expectations that I, like BM and him, would do things for SS like they did. DH quickly learned that I was not that person. He tried to guilt me into some of it, but I held my ground.

As far as the dirty dishes and things like that go, my advice is to get it out of your mind that the kids are responsible for the mess. Ultimately, it's the only person who has control over them...your wife. When there aren't clean dishes to eat off, put it on her rather than the kids. Make her come up with a solution.

That whole bit you wrote about your wife not wanting a co-parent fits what happened with me, except there are no consequences whatsoever for SS. He's going on 16, and I still don't think he's been told no in his life by his parents. Failed parenting is an understatement. The kid is rude, an outright jerk to most people. He is failing in school. But yet he gets nothing but praise and rewards. SS is great at simply ignoring any direction he is given by DH, because he knows there will not be a single consequence ever.

My DH will also admit to failings from time to time; but when push comes to shove (when SS is around), there is never a change in anything. He often sounds appalled that BM seems to not guide SS at all, that he is catered to and runs the show. But when he is here, it's the same way.

There is no winning for you in this situation, just like there isn't for me. I first came here and read about people disengaging and thinking to myself that there was no way that would work for me. I didn't think that DH would give me the breathing room to do it. I think the key for me was pointing out to him (on days when we were not fighting about SS) that my opinion was clearly not asked for or valued, so there was not point in giving it. And I stuck with it, as hard as it was at times. DH always wanted us to do EVERYTHING together. If one person wanted to watch a movie (let's go with SS here, since he's the one who picked all activities), then it was like I was expected to go along with it. I found the best approach was to say in a very positive, upbeat tone of voice something along the lines of, "I'm not really interested in that movie, but y'all can watch it. I'm going to go do...." fill in the blank. Before long, DH saw that we were no less of a family unit for the time spent apart. We are not a family unit if we are all in the same room at the same time, so my leaving did not change that at all. I encouraged DH to do things alone with SS. They need the time together, and I need the time removed from that dynamic.

I think the trick for disengaging to me was tricking myself into not caring. In the beginning, I shut my mouth; but I still cared, because I am a person who likes to have control of situations. Shutting up meant I did not have control, and I had a very hard time with that. But the longer I did it, the easier it became. It's kind of like the old saying, "fake it 'til you make it." That's what I had to do. Now it's easy for me, easy for DH. He knows I'm not going to do anything I don't want to do. I believe if I successfully disengaged, anyone can.

Thanks for your comments. I

Thanks for your comments. I appreciate knowing that I'm not the only one struggling with this. But I do wonder why I should even stay. Why put up it? Why do I have to deal with the consequences of their poor choices? I'd rather be alone somewhere else than be held hostage in the place where I live now. And that's what it feels like: being held hostage.

Your SD is about the same age

Your SD is about the same age as my SS. So I'm counting down the days, believe me. I don't feel like he will be around much as an adult, because he is super unmotivated, and we are on the go a lot. Neither me nor my husband will allow him to just be a lazy bum and live in our house because he doesn't want to be a productive member of society. For me, that's probably what it would be about when it came to decision time.

If I was in your shoes, I would evaluate, first of all, your feelings for your wife. I don't think our spouses realize just how much respect they can lose because of their poor parenting. If my SS was around all the time, there is no doubt in my mind our marriage would've failed by now. Maybe you can try to focus your attention on your marriage for a while and see if what you have is worth the sacrifice.

Do you think your SD will be around once she graduates from high school? Is it going to be more of the same, or does she have a chance of successfully launching into adulthood?

Honestly, I feel like once you start seriously considering leaving, you're already partially checked out. Just giving you some food for thought. How long have you been married? I feel like it was a lot harder in the beginning, so maybe it will get better with time. I've been in this for five years, and the last 2-3 years have been so, so much better than those first years.

Sorry, I just went back and

Sorry, I just went back and read your original post again where you said it's already been 12 years of hell. You have a hard decision to make. Will your feelings for your wife be enough (if SD does move out in two years) to give you a chance at a happy marriage?

I'd probably go over and read some of the posts in the Adult Stepchildren forum. Most people say that not much changes when they become adults. Good luck to you. I know it's hard.

Wow! Are you my skid's

Wow! Are you my skid's stepdad (StepDaddyBigBucks)? And your wife sounds exactly like the BM in my case, the Girhippo! Oh wait, SDBB has been married to the Gir for 8 years now and Dominatrix (SD) is now 18.

Beware of the posters on here who are similar "moms" as your wife. They live for the thrill of swiping down stepparents because their very own buddies, errrrr, that is, children can do no wrong. When we stepparents vent about the "fruitage" of their non-parenting, it strikes a nerve with their child worshipping attitude. Then they form a "wolf pack" with other such BMs and start circling the stepparent victim.

Let me guess...biodad is seldom if at all in the picture--driven away by the mother and her alienating tactics.

As a husband to one of these types, you're expected to agree with everything she says as regards the non parenting of her child and patiently wait until the child is out of the house to form a relationship with her. You are to butt out, say "Yes, Ma'am," and merely provide financial assistance, AKA a walking ATM.

Her children are her actual spouses. You're also expected to engage in bashing of Bio dad. Problem is these children seldom launch due to decades of coddling and helicoptering.

Thanks for you input. The bio

Thanks for you input. The bio dad isn't in the picture a lot but he is there. He's also an idiot but you didn't hear that from me. It's curious that you used the term "coddling." I've used it several times and it made my wife pretty angry. You're right about the kid being her buddy. She was - at least until I came into the picture. Now we play this back-and-forth on-and-off game where sometimes I think I'm my wife's partner and then other times, it's obvious that the kid is. I honestly think the kid and her mother both need therapy (my wife comes from an extraordinarily dysfunctional family and had lots of dysfunctional friends when we met). But I don't believe my wife would go for herself. She's fine to go if we both do so a counselor can tell me where I'm wrong.

This sounds EXACTLY like my

This sounds EXACTLY like my situation. It totally sucks. If I would have any advice for you, it would be this.....DISENGAGE NOW if you want to save your marriage!!

I have fully disengaged from my SD17. I don't handle any of her school stuff, sports stuff, dr appointments, 'discipline' (or lack thereof).

Let me tell you, DH is NOT liking it. He started complaining about having to be 'a single parent to 1 kid'. :sick:

Whatever. It's not easy, at first, to let everything go, but it was the best possible thing you can do for yourself. Read Acra's post VERY carefully. All of the below is SPOT ON.
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Simply sit your wife down and say, I've been wrong the past 12 years, I've come to the realization that SD is not my child and we do not have that bond, I accept it and will leave all parenting and discipline to you from now on, I will not say a word. Our marriage is important to me so I will compromise but I would like the following in exchange, communal space in the house to be tidy and nothing all over the place, we all have bedrooms, also SD is no longer allowed in the main bedroom and bathroom cause this is our private place... for the rest I do not care at all.

If SD asks you something, smile and say - Ask your mother dear.....

Read the link below this saved my relationship, it's not easy, DW will be pissed off, but do not care, make yourself happy, she will get use to it in about 3-5 months... she will never stop complaining but you will not care, she will say things like you do not like my daughter, look her in the eye and say YES it's true, but I am a human and I choose not to mingle with toxic people, you can't always like all people... (I simply tell SO, Hon she's only a kid, maybe it will change when she's an adult... but I will never like his brat and I will never change my view... little white lies is not wrong)
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I did the exact same thing as outlined above, DH's response was exactly that - pissed off. He knows he's on the hook now for everything she does/doesn't do, and for the way she handles herself. But it WORKS.

Good luck!!!!

Thanks. As I responded to

Thanks. As I responded to Acra's post, I did disengage and all it did was piss off my wife and she complains about having to "do it all by herself." She then lets stuff slide because she doesn't notice it or it's "no big deal." As appealing as disengaging sounds, I don't think it will save my marriage. She's furious because she knows I don't like her kid and I've told her why repeatedly. The dysfunction that made her kid like she is, is still alive and well in my house. So, unless there's some sort of miracle, nothing will get better unless we divorce. Are you aware of any kind of counseling for steps and the bio parents and kids? I feel a little better knowing my story isn't unique and it helps to know that I'm not crazy or wrong, but without some professional help, my marriage is done because I can't take the insanity that I have to live with.

I would recommend individual

I would recommend individual counseling before family or marriage counseling. I did this. A good one can help you learn to assert your boundaries in a constructive way. S/he can give you optimal language to use when bringing stuff up with your wife, language that will be more effective than you can usually think up on your own.

If you go to group or couples counseling the two bullies in your house have a good chance of manipulating the counselor and the group dynamics. I wouldn't do it at this stage, at least not before individual counseling.

My sd is terrible, too. She's 17. My dh and I have worked hard together to handle the situation. We have a great marriage and a detente vis a vis the awful sd. But I have only had to put up with her for 5 years. I could not have done what you are doing for 12 damn years. So if your marriage is no longer a source of joy and you don't see it getting back on track, pull the plug.

Thanks for your input. You're

Thanks for your input. You're right, it IS my wife's issue and sometimes she acknowledges that, and other times she's very defensive and blames me instead. My wife wasn't parented very well and so I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but after 12 years, it's harder to do that. And by now the kid doesn't listen, doesn't learn, and she doesn't care about having good judgment or making good choices. She hasn't respected her mother since she was a toddler and she's not about to start now. My wife vacillates between being very frustrated/angry with her kid and defending/enabling her.

I'm too strict and mean because I don't tolerate perpetually poor choices and laziness, and I notice far more of it than my wife does. My wife was raised with almost no rules and no responsibilities, and I was raised the opposite of that. So here we are. I think my wife honestly does want her kid to be a responsible mature person but she's not willing to do what it takes, and frankly, I think it's too late to retrain the kid now anyway. She's pretty stubborn and it's going to take some tough times in life to get her to a place where she'll learn - if she ever does... I guess many people won't learn until it becomes more painful for them to remain the way they are than it is for them to change...

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