Need help before i rip my hair out by the roots...
Im raising my SO's grandson. I'm 23, hes almost 60. Yes, odd relationship, I know. The kid in question is almost 13, and I'm personally bout ready to slap him. I've only ever slapped this kid twice in the past 2 yrs, and for me, I think thats pretty good.
The situation is this:
-mom is dead (cancer almost 8 yrs ago)
-dad is unknown/doesn't belong in this kids life (drug dealer/user from what we've been told)
-gmom is dead (car accident almost 3 yrs ago)
-gpa (SO) is disinterested in raising this monster of a 'pre-teen'.
-kid is driving me nuts and nobody is helping!
My SO yells at me and chastises me in front of the kid, which is SO WRONG on I don't know how many different levels. I'm about ready to walk out the damned door, the only reason I haven't yet is b/c I have no where to go. I have a dog and a cat, both of which I personally have brought into this house hold for the both of them. I do everything for this kid that I can and all I get is yelled at and told that I'm in the wrong by my SO. Hand to the gods, I'm about ready to rip my hair out. I've also got the problem of my SO's son who is 32 to deal with. Hes hostile as all who knows what towards me, constantly disrupting my household, depending on me to take care of HIS dog, on top of my own 'furry children' as well as this two legged monster I have running my house.
This child has been given full run of this house since his mother died when he was 5. Now that I'm actually putting some real structure into his life, I'm all of a sudden the bad guy. It's bad, b/c my only joy is locking his ps3 (which I personally went and got him for xmas) and his x-box (which I also went and found in our basement for him) so he cant use them without me putting in the pass codes.
In the past 3 months, I've quite literally chopped my hair off twice. My hair used to be about 4 feet long at least. I cut off 3 feet the first time b/c I couldn't stand that I could reach behind my head, grab my pony tail and pull my own hair to keep from slapping this kid. So I cut it. Then, I started getting into the habit of just straight out hands on the head pulling. So I cut it 'boy' short. Still have the ability to pull my own hair... I've sat in the shower at least twice every day for the past 4 weeks and CRIED. And I'm talking the kind where you break down and just let it out and you want to punch the tile till your hand breaks and then some and it still doesn't help.
I've also cried myself to sleep several times in the past months. I'm so sick of it. This kid talks back to me, screams at me and gives me absolute disrespect, and my SO says 'oh, you call it disrespect, I call it him being a kid.' DUDE! ID HAVE GOTTEN THE CRAP BEAT OUTTA ME IF I DID THAT! My SO has also lately been questioning why he's still raising this monster child anymore. Even he is sick of dealing with this B/S from him. Hes asked me recently why he puts up with him, that the dog is better behaved (but the dog has also been beaten and starved prior to living with us). Hes also mentioned the fact that he doesn't have to keep the kid, that he can hand him over to DSS and be rid of him and get on with his life.
Where the heck have all the real parents gone?! He didn't raise his kids b/c he was in the army, which I understand, but I also understand why his wife frequently drank. Lucky for him my alcohol tolerance is almost non existent or I'd be following in her foot steps and finishing off quite a large amount of the alcohol in this house she left behind. But I still don't understand his lack of disipline with his own grandson. He promised to raise the little monster. Not me. I've got my chosen children. They walk on 4 legs, and have fur. One purrs, the other barks, both sit for treats and I love them to no end.
And speaking of which, I've caught my SS beating the dog several times, caught him swinging the poor cat around by her tail twice in the past 2 yrs, and I've caught him hitting my other dog before he died a year ago. I can't get this kid into therapy b/c nobody wants to a) put him in there and b) the shrinks want nothing to do with him!
I've gotten to the point I'm going to slap the living daylights out of this kid if I get left alone with him for more than a few hours. Someone please give me some advice, something as to how to deal with this kid other than walking out or calling DSS. I've just about had it. And so has my SO, hes said so himself. And at this point, I'm seriously wondering if I'm a bad person for thinking my SO and I would be better off without this kid around. He acts out for our attention, and he gets it non stop. Hes an only child!!! I have a sister 2 yrs younger than me, I'd have killed to be an only child! He complains b/c he has nobody to play with and he has a very loving, eager to please 2 yr old mutt who adores him. WTF?!
Ok, end rant. Someone help?!!! PLEASE!
Wow, I feel for you. I feel
Wow, I feel for you.
I feel even more for this poor kid. He's acting out of anger. His mom and grandma are dead. His grandpa isn't interested in him. You're 10 years older than him.
"Grandpa" needs to spend more time with this boy and get him help from a professional who specializes in helping kids like him. Maybe he needs to take parenting classes. This kid needs help and Gramp needs to step up his involvement in this boy's life.
sadly his grandfather doesnt
sadly his grandfather doesnt think he needs help :jawdrop:
even though ive told him, the school has told him, even his OWN shrink has told him to make this kid go see somebody. if i could, id throw this kid in the loony bin till he talked to someone, or atleast throw his ass in anger management. he gets so freakin violent im seriously about ready to beat him stupid. hes tried to hit me before, and ive told my SO im gna slap him into a wall, if not through it if he ever lays a hand on me. sadly im letting my sympathy for him get in the way of my better judgement and ive let my family burn the bridges that could have possibly gotten me out of here. but yes, my SO needs parenting classes. im not guardin, so i cant do crap, but he can and wont. idk what the hell to do with this crap anymore.
Quit being the "bad guy."
Quit being the "bad guy." That is, quit attempting to parent a child that isn't your responsibility for you to parent. Let the kid go. Maybe then the people who are really responsible for him will step the fuck up and do their jobs.
Hun, it's called "disengaging." I suggest you become real familiar -- and an expert -- at it.
Good luck.
I also want to say that the
I also want to say that the person you need to blame is so. He created (or helped to create) SSs attitude by giving him run of the house. Now he needs to take steps to fix the situation and help this kid. And for your own health, you may need to get out.
Honey, you KNOW the answer
Honey, you KNOW the answer but just don't want to take that step. YOur SO is using you to nanny his grandson who he probably doesn't really care for very much.
At 23 you should be flying off to Vegas for the weekend with your friends. YOu should be heading for a beach or lake and only worrying about the dog and cat when you get home. Your SO has you 'on tap' and then criticizes you and you STILL stick around for more?
Animals can be put into a foster home until you get resitauated. But as long as you are there your SO will allow you to babysit his grandson because no way in hell does this kid see you as an authority figure.
To make it even clearer, you are sex on call and babysitter without an opinion in your downtime. Get out now and stop being a silly headstrong little girl. Where is your Mother in all of this? Oh and I bet the kid has already beaten you to the booze.
sadly my mother is one of the
sadly my mother is one of the ones telling me to shut up and leave her alone with my 'problems' and yeah, im glad someone else sees the way i feel! and i wouldnt doubt it. im bout ready to slap the shit outa this kid. the only think keeping me from beating his head round his neck like beetlejuice is the fact he isnt mine. hes the reason i DONT want my own kids!
Where are your family and
Where are your family and friends? Call someone and ask them to buy you a ticket home so that you can get out of that mess.
I have a feeling your SO wants a nanny and not a mate.
The boy swung the cat around
The boy swung the cat around by the tail more than one time, you've caught him beating the dog more than one time - AND YOU STAYED to allow it more?
GET OUT NOW.
Take your dog and cat. If you truly care about them and/or yourself.
I can not even imagine myself with a 60year old man and I'm 42!
LEAVE.
TONIGHT.
NOW!
if i could leave, i would. i
if i could leave, i would. i literally have no place to go to. ive gotten into that kind of position before, and i have kinda figured out this is about as good as im going to get.
but i did get a little vaycay in march down to nyc, and i have to say, it felt good to see some people i knew from there. they took me out, treated me right and let me vent beyond vent. yet when i asked if i moved back down would they have a place for me, they said no, they wouldnt. none of my friends back home will even help me, let alone let me vent. im kind of stuck where im at sadly.
as far as sex on demand, he tries, but gets shot down frequently. the stress of all of this has driven me to taking an ambien every night and even THAT doesnt work 90% of the time. im on bi polar meds to keep me from killing them both. ive tried finding the dog and cat diff homes but SO wont let me get rid of them sadly. i love them dearly but i swear to the heavens if i find this kid hurting another animal, im going to beat him stupid with a dictionary.
i honestly dont know how the hell to handle this crap anymore. nobody in my family will help me, none of my friends will help (which proves that they arent real friends), and i cant slap the shit out of this little hellion. i really dont ever know how my cousins and i made it past 12. we were monsters, but we were also slapped!
when i first got here, it was strictly for a 'help me out' situation, i got room and board for being a live in nanny. and of course 2 yrs go by, dont know anyone here, so you take what you have on hand i guess. but this shit is getting old quick. nobody to vent to, like a few SM's on here ive found if you turn to someone in/out of your family, the ones your venting about find out and rip into you for it.
how the hell do we all still have hair?! better yet, how do we still have spouses or skids?!!!
Phoenixgem there is always
Phoenixgem there is always another option. You have choices. Are you working? Do you have your own car? Slapping the kid is not an option. Unless you are willing to go to jail for abuse of a minor. You are not his parent, guardian or relative. If you are babysitting him then you should have some cash on hand. While you do not want to hear it , getting out is a good option. Why would you want to be with a man three times older than you who shows you no love and respect? There are women's shelters you can go to for help and counseling. Perhaps some perspective would help. You are no longer a child. You must find Your inner strength and stand up for yourself. Reli upon yourself. Don't expect to mooch off of friends. Start looking for a job and a place to live on your own. What do you want for your life? What do you enjoy doing? What talents do you possess that are laying unfulfilled while you are staying in this toxic wasteland? You are pulling your hair out because of the stress. Did you know you can permanently damage the hair follicle and that it takes 60 days for regrowth? Do something positive to change either yourself or the situation you are in before the next two months passes. Don't use the excuse that there is no where to go. Do what it takes to make your own place in this world. Even if you buy a tent and a crate for your cat and head out for someplace you have always dreamed of going. Life is too precious to not live every moment with purpose and joy. The catch is. You have to find those things for yourself. No one will give them to you. And no one can take them away from you unless you let them! Go for your dreams!
im trying, believe me i am.
im trying, believe me i am. im looking for a job, even more than one at the present. ive been living like this for 2 yrs, im sick of it. and yeah, ive had lumps of hair fall out b/c of the stress im under. i've even broken out in hives all across my body because of it. and no, im not babysitting the kid sadly, or id be telling him i need a freaking raise.
i got into it with my SO a few min ago and let him have it. told him flat out i cant keep this up. either he changes his tactics or i walk out that door and he doesnt have the help he claims to need so badly. his brother was here when i let him have it, and i dont think ive ever yelled so loudly in my life. my throat is raw, but i feel better a little bit. and no, im not willing to go to jail over an idiot 12 yr old acting like a 2 yr old whose just learned the word no. very tempted, but no, not willing to do time.
while i was yelling his brother was agreeing with me the entire time. its sad, but its the truth all at the same time. he wont discipline this child, and yet he wont stand up and 'be a man' as his brother said. i dont know how else to put it to him, he needs to either take care of this kid and raise him, or give him up to the foster system. i cant keep this up anymore. i feel guilty enough, and im tired of feeling guilty for hating this kid that makes me more miserable than ive ever been in my entire life. i felt bad when i posted this, but reading other's posts and seeing im not alone, i dont feel bad at all for hating this kid as much as i do. and i dont hate very easily. im looking for a job and i let him know that. needless to say hes not happy but i cant keep this up anymore. im physically ill from the amount of stress im being put under. im 23, raising someone else's child b/c they wont and i feel bad for this kid being ignored. i think ive done more than i should and i dont think i need to feel guilty about wanting to leave and find someone better who isnt going to stress me out half as badly.
Rehome the animals. That is
Rehome the animals. That is give them to someone who wants them or find a no-kill shelter. Do not allow the animals to be abused any longer.
Can't you soak the old man for money so you can build up a fund?
While doing that read and follow this:
It's long but read the whole thing.
When your fund is big enough RUN like hell.
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
have def tried to get money
have def tried to get money out of him, hes got his suspicions as to why i want the money, and wont give it to me. so ill have to get a job (even though he doesnt want that) and save it up myself. thats really the only way i see anything happening for me to get out of here. and ive tried to re home them, every time i do post on craigslist, it sits there for 4 weeks (even though i post several times) and nobody is interested or when i do go and talk to them they sound like they just want something to guard their stuff and thats not what the dog is. hes the kind that 'hi, im a doggie, would you like me to lick you to death?' as far as the cat, shes not a kitten anymore and thats all pple seem to want, same as puppies. its hard to rehome animals to a family that wants them and will take care of them.
as far as the disengaging, im doing that starting now. so when this kid gets home, and is out of school this week, im not doin SQUAT for him. the past 2 yrs ive been doing everything i can for this kid, and ive had it. im to the point now if i could just slap him with a steel toe boot upside the head once really hard, i would. mind you this is all if i would not get in trouble for it, but i dont like getting in trouble so ive refrained from doing it.
since finding this forum though and being able to vent and find that other people have the same problems with these hellion things called 'children' by most pple, ive felt better about hating this kid and i dont feel bad hating him anymore.